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Old 07-20-2013, 04:13 AM
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Default A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

Hey folks,
I've been tossing around the idea of starting a blog for some time now... Usually when I get to the point where I actually CAN post, I don't, due to not wanting to bother to type something up or somesuch. So, after a couple glasses of wine, I've decided to start the damn blog and use it. We'll see if the "use it" part gets much action, but the "start it" part is now done.

There.

This, BTW, is me. Things have settled out a bit since then... the divorce is final, now going on two years, and I can honestly see that THAT relationship should have run its course a long time ago. C'est la vie. The new relationship with my partner is still going strong. In addition to my metamour, he has begun dating someone new, as well.

I suppose the point of this blog is to be something of a reference or help for folks going through the same stuff as I am: Mono (or mono-ish? that's a separate blog post), starting a poly relationship with eyes open but still not quite understanding the emotions behind it all, what pops up, metamour stuff, all that. And a place to blather, of course. I love to blather, but usually hold back.

At any rate, the fundamentals are: relationship going on two years, seems strong, "talk til ya puke" seems to be our mantra, and we're moving on. Yay that.

It's a bit late for me to post more, so I'll leave it here for now. When I wake up, I'll curse the wine, but move on and hopefully actually use the blog. We'll see.
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Old 07-20-2013, 02:10 PM
crisplove crisplove is offline
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Just when I thought I was all alone. Thanks for posting:-)

I am in a similar situation. I am mono. When I discovered this board, I thought I might try poly out and be in multiple relationships. As it turns out, I'm a one guy type of girl. I have major issues with my boyfriend's primary. I've come to despise the idea of primaries and secondaries.

When I agreed to go down this path with my boyfriend, I had this idea that I would be part of a tribe and all the metamours would be on "equal" footing. That is definitely NOT the case.

At any rate, like you, I've been putzing around starting a blog. Maybe I can share yours :-) ? Maybe?
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Old 07-20-2013, 04:02 PM
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You should definitely start one of your own and let your voice be heard outside of someone else's thread, but you're more than welcome to comment here.

In practice, my partner has what might be considered two "primaries" and one "secondary" partner, but he doesn't categorize things that way. His new GF is married, not "out", and has a very busy life, so she doesn't have the ability to have the same kind of relationship that I and my other metamour do with him.

For sake of simplicity, I'll use Metamour 1 (M1) to be his other 'primary-ish' relationship, and Metamour 2 (M2) to be his latest relationship. I will remain 'I' and 'me'. Partner will be P. It makes the wording easier.

More later - P is arriving soon with his daughter, and we'll be finding some air-conditioned activities to do with all the kids before breaking out the sprinkler and water balloons.
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Old 07-20-2013, 05:12 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am glad you started a blog. Wine is a great form of encouragement. Here is to wine encouragement!

I enjoy hearing from the mono partners in poly relationships, so I definitely look forward to following your blog! I hope your day is going wonderfully.

Ry
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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 07-20-2013 at 05:25 PM.
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Old 07-21-2013, 02:55 AM
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So... P is home with me tonight and brought his daughter (same age as my older daughter). We beat the heat and went bowling, saw Despicable Me 2, and finished the night with a cheap mic, mic stand, teeny amp, and YouTube karaoke videos. I got to get some Stevie Wonder in (old folks represent, yo!) among the Carly Rae Jepsens and Adeles.

All in all, a good night, but not conducive to blogging. Hope everyone here is having a nice night.
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Old 07-22-2013, 03:07 PM
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So yes, wine is definitely a heck of a motivator, but now I'm stuck in the same place I remember being in back in the High School English class days: Where to start?

I suppose "at the beginning" is a good answer, but logical, anal-retentive me also doesn't want to lose track of the present due to it all queueing up as I write down all the old stuff, so maybe some old and some new... let's see how much of a novel I write before committing to anything.

Ha, look - not only do you get a story, but you get my stream-of-consciousness that goes with it. Lucky you.

The present:
Had a pretty good weekend with P, his daughter, and my kids. They were up on Saturday, and we ended up hanging out at home for a while, seeing Despicable Me at the local "Cinema Pub" (http://www.chunkys.com/), and doing some impromptu karaoke with the kids using a cheap mic we found at the local Habitat for Humanity store (like a Goodwill for house stuff!), a mic stand, small amp, and YouTube karaoke videos. The kids "wanted to sing" "Don't Stop Believing" and then bailed and left us children of the '80s to finish the song ourselves. Luckily, we didn't have the cops called on our caterwauling. All in all, a good time. It was a nice "family" moment, and I do treasure those.

On the flip side, we had some cruddy communication issues fairly recently as well.

When we started this relationship (and I guess the details will end up getting written about at some point, but not today), we put a schedule in place where he spends half his time down south with M1, and half his time up with me. Two days north, two days south. I didn't feel I could work toward a "life partner" type of relationship with him without having that amount of time, and it took us a while to get there, but we're pretty much there now.

Sometimes, though, things pop up and the calendar needs some shuffling around.

And sometimes, with his schedule, his daughter's schedule, M1's schedule, my schedule, and my kids' schedule, it is immensely frustrating for me to either want some weekend time, or need to reschedule something, and not be able to find any way of doing it. I have, at times, gotten into poopy little funks about P not being able to attend such-and-so with me, simply because something else is going on that day. Yeah, I know I'm responsible for my own feelings. Yeah, I know it's still leftover expectation from when I was married (of course we'll go together). Still, it sucks to have an occasion I'd like to have him attend, and have him be unable to do so.

So the latest one is my company's family outing. It coincided with a "south" day for him, and a con in Providence that he is looking forward to attending (NecronomiCon). However, when I brought it up as a possible "swap day" for some other calendar rewickering that was going on, he kind of hemmed and hawed and didn't really say that he wouldn't swap. Just said, "let me see."

I asked about it again on Friday, and he said no, he wanted to go to the con instead. And for some reason, it really tweaked me. (A) because if it had been a 'no' from the start, then just. effing. tell me. And (B), and it took a bit of introspection to realize why I was so bothered by it, but I finally nailed down that this is one of my few "family traditions" (most were my ex-husband's) and I wanted to have him there, as part of this new family/life that we're building.

So I sent him an email explaining why I thought I was so tweaked, understood that he wanted to go to the con, told him that I (sincerely) don't want to coerce him into doing something he didn't want to do, and that since the con really is one of "his" things (and that he and M1 were planning to go together), I'm cool with him going, but I'd like in the future for there to be a shot of us doing the "family thing", since we both seem to want that.

End of story, I was prepared to get tix for me and my girls, and that was that.

So I get an email in response saying, "Hold tight. I'm working on changing the schedule."

Oh, no no no no no... wait a minute.

So NOW I'm feeling guilty, like I played a trump card or something with the "family" word and changed his mind, and didn't really want to do that. So, we went around and around on that for a bit, me saying I don't want to coerce him by throwing down a trump card, and him saying that he doesn't get steered by me or anyone, and now that he has the information, he's choosing to make a different decision.

Okay. So now he's coming to the outing. I guess it worked out okay, since the night before has a ball that he and M1 now get to attend instead of his being north with me that night, but I still hate that nagging feeling that I've dorked up her plans as well as his. I guess I should send her something too, and see how she feels about it all.

Then he and his daughter came up on Saturday, and it felt nice and relaxed and just GOOD. And I realized I can still hold SOME of the Steve Perry notes, at any rate. <fist pump>

Guess that's enough of a novel right out of the gate... got some new and some backstory in there, so until next time, have a great day, folks!

Last edited by YouAreHere; 07-22-2013 at 03:08 PM. Reason: typos
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Old 07-24-2013, 02:47 AM
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I love my house. I hate my house. I love my house. I hate my house.

Ugh.

So. My house.
I fell in love with it when I was house-hunting after my divorce. I'd had one offer fall through, was getting a bit discouraged at the stuff in my price point, and then I found this beauty... 1933 bungalow, all hardwood, original oak built-ins, original brass door hardware (glass knobs, the works). Needed some TLC, but mostly cosmetic. Great structure. Big yard. Detached garage. And recently reduced.

But it was bank-owned. Apparently, according to the neighbors (oh, gossip - what fun), the family who previously owned the house went through a nasty divorce. The husband, in a fit of pique, took the pool with him when he moved out. The wife (in retaliation? Out of inability to pay? Don't know.) sat on the house for three years without paying the mortgage. So there were things that could have been in better shape. A long list of projects that I could get to in due time.

Riiiiiight. Projects have a way of making themselves shoot up on the priority list.

On my project list, I currently have:
- An uncapped chimney that I REALLY need to get fixed.
- Boarded-up basement windows that I figured I could replace whenever.
- A leaky bulkhead that I threw a tarp over and figured I could replace whenever (you getting the idea yet)
- other, outdoor things that I decided to do now while it was summer

And mother nature decided to tell me, via the bajillion or so inches of rain we've gotten over the last month, that my project priorities are all wrong.

In the form of mold beginning to grow all over the ceiling and random objects in the cellar, due to a damp, musty basement with no air flow. Sigh.

So tonight, P is south with M1.
My first, emotional, knee-jerk response (after the "Oh, no, no, no, no, noooooo!") was, "Why the hell does this stuff always happen when I'm alone," followed by a twinge of abandonment and resentment that he splits his time like he does.

Double sigh.

I hate reacting like that. Luckily, I've gotten a bit better at pulling myself out of that emotional negativity before it gets ugly. Not perfect, but hey. I texted P with the wonderful news, he called, and we have a plan. Getting some stuff researched while I type, actually.

What do I tell myself to quit the spiral? "Well, you could REALLY be alone and not have anyone to call, so quit it." Sometimes I need to "tough love" myself, I guess. *shrug*

Reminds me of a story...
(Queue the "Wayne's World" guys doing that 'doodledeedoot' thing, and I'll meet you in the next post, so as not to hit the character limit...)
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:34 AM
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Default Settle down, kids, and I'll tell you a story...

So, back when I was separated/newly divorced and still house hunting, M1 was still living across the country. P would fly out for a week or so to see her, but the LDR thing was tough on them, and she was talking about moving out to live with him at some point.

I was still dealing with the loss of one relationship, the start of a new one, figuring out where I stood within the new one, and then wondered well, if she's going to be living with him, then that automatically makes me "second." Lots of back-and-forth and up-and-down, lots of talks over skype among the three of us, and lots of reassurances that, no, that isn't the case. She came out for a visit around that time and assured me that it wouldn't happen until six months away at the EARLIEST, and she didn't have any date in mind. Basically, "Don't worry about it." So I stopped thinking about it.

In a few months, I found my house and began the process of closing. Told everyone... super excited and all that, so they were both happy for me.

Then M1 got laid off from her job and suddenly had no reason to stay where she was anymore. Decided she would move in with P two weeks after I closed on the house.

I got a bit tweaked with the timing... felt like she was moving only because I was moving out of my ex's house and was able to spend more time with P. Like she was coming out to claim her territory. P tried to be the optimist by saying that well, it's really what's best, so I get used to the dynamic right away, and don't feel like my time with him is getting taken away, yadda yadda. I felt patronized instead - like I was being told, "C'mon, it's good for you!"

It got worse when the damn shower fell apart and needed to be redone... a week before he was to fly out there to drive her and her stuff cross-country.

The story's pretty funny now... P, standing on the tub, leaning on the wall, cleaning out the fan/light and trying to figure out why the fan doesn't work. Opens the fan up, and a small wookie falls out, startling him. He jumps back a bit, then goes, "What the fuck was THAT?"

Me: "Fuzz."
P: "No, not THAT!" He gets down off the tub, turns around, and points at the wall. "THAT!"

The tile gave way, leaving a butt-shaped hole is in the soggy drywall.

Me: "Aw, fuck. Well. Let's see what the drywall looks like."

Pulled away some tile and soggy drywall to find mold.
Ugh.
Total ripout now at this point. A week before he has to leave.

Needless to say, I didn't have a working shower, and really didn't have much of a working tub while he was away. I did some of the tiling while he was gone, but got so intensely frustrated when the damn tub spout didn't fit on right, I broke down in tears and resented M1 with the fiery heat of a thousand suns. How DARE he leave me alone when I need his help? How DARE she plan her move when she KNOWS I need his help!

Oh yeah. I was a hot mess.

Other things that added to the emotional stew:
- M1's car shit the bed en route. They were driving back without all cylinders and didn't want to stop for fear of never starting again.
- P's phone got sporadic service and dropped *some* messages, leaving me with terse texts that just got me thinking he wasn't EVER planning to come back.
- When we finally were able to talk more, I asked when he'd be back next. His response - I don't know when the other truck is coming and I can't leave M1 in the lurch. (I saw red at that one: I'm sorry, I'm already IN the lurch, TYVM...)
- The commitment I got re. when he'd be back was wishy-washy. Not good when I'm a quality time person and I was looking for some sort of reassurance that he would actually be back, and we'd be starting some sort of schedule for when we could spend time together.

The perfect storm? Oh yeah.
Let's see... botched communication, un-discussed expectations, crappy service to boot, bad timing... And we were still novices at it all. I'm surprised we made it through some of the things we did.

Of course, when they got back, we did work out a schedule where he began to split his time between the two homes. We did get the shower/tub fixed. We did talk the hell out of it all (culminating in a hell of a discussion among the three of us where I admitted a hell of a lot of resentment toward M1 regarding the timing of the move), and we all moved forward.

Experience is a hell of a teacher, but wow is she a bitch sometimes.

Lessons learned?
- If something's not sitting right, don't take "Don't worry about it" as an answer. Corollary: I also don't do well with "I don't know - let's see how it goes." But that's another story.
- P is not a planner. His "I don't know" doesn't mean "I don't want to deal with it." It means "I don't know and can't focus on it/picture it right now."
- I projected WAY too much malice onto M1 and resented the hell out of her for it. I'd also held some earlier resentment toward her for "turning P poly", which was misplaced as well. Talking it over in a respectful environment, even if it's a shitty subject, helps. We got it out, got the hurt feelings out of the way, and moved on.

So... we didn't start off in the best manner, but we all worked pretty damn hard to get through it, and we're still here (and pretty content, to be honest). I do tend to be the "emotional troublemaker" of the group, but I also want to work through things without taking away from the others... as do P and M1. I'm pretty lucky in that regard... Nice to see the progress as my knee-jerk reaction with mold-land was short lived and fairly unremarkable.

Okay, time for bed, kids... brush your teeth, floss, wash up, and use soap this time!
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk

Last edited by YouAreHere; 07-24-2013 at 02:33 PM.
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  #9  
Old 07-24-2013, 11:02 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, this is a very good blog. I am enjoying your writing. Thanks for starting this AND using it.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 07-24-2013, 12:22 PM
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Aw... Thanks, NYC. I'm blushing.

Oh, and pics of the shower in question are attached... The "before" pic is the ugly, two-toned pink. The "after" was taken before the showerhead, etc. were added, but gives an idea of the finished product.

All those years of watching HGTV and DIY paid off.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg shower_old.jpg (60.6 KB, 24 views)
File Type: jpg shower_new.jpg (61.5 KB, 26 views)
__________________
Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 14; and PokéGirl, 11), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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