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  #391  
Old 07-19-2013, 07:46 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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I'm now in Home Country. I've seen plenty of friends and family, which has been really nice. I miss my partners and Dream City a lot, but it has been a good thing to do things by myself for a while. I've skyped with rory, Evan and Hank, but not very long or often.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend and I can't get it out of my head. After it I started to think that maybe I'm a bit too independent and cynical in my relationships. Do I need my partners? I don't think I do. I want to be with them. I've always thought this is a good thing. My friend talked about her past relationships and what has gone wrong in them. She believes she has made her partners "useless" by being so independent and un-needy, which in turn has made the partner in question feel not needed or very important. She knows there's a big risk in relying on someone but thinks she wants to do that the next time she's in a relationship. She wants to need her partner more. I don't know if I'm being realistic or cynical when I think that most relationships end at some point and you shouldn't give too much of yourself to anyone else. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I'd want to break up with someone but I can't because I'm too dependent on them. Is that a bad thing? Am I protecting myself too much? Could I get more out of my relationships emotionally if I just trusted people more, gave them more of myself and relied on them more?
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  #392  
Old 07-19-2013, 03:38 PM
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Quote:
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Could I get more out of my relationships emotionally if I just trusted people more, gave them more of myself and relied on them more?
You could make analogies to other things. A shelter, for example. You could pack a tent, and know how to move quickly, not relying too much on the same piece of ground. Or you can take a risk and lay down foundations, and see what can be supported by that... As long as you are flexible enough to roll with things, if what you've built tumbles.

I reckon you can be interdependent by choice, which is different from being dependant or co-dependant because you're unable to go it alone.

I like the power of choosing to rely on someone, and to be relied upon. I'm not sure if it's better, necessarily, than loose affiliations with lower expectations. But it does change the nature of what you can grow from that relationship.

Yes, it's a risk but it doesn't have to be a huge risk (esp if you have the experience and confidence in being self-reliant, if need be.) Voluntary interdependence can be simply just another experiment. What happens if we assume this will last for the indefinite future? What happens if we just state, declare, concede, that breaking up is not an option? (Although we know, we know, it always is. And things can always change).

To "need" someone could mean:
- I seriously can't cope without you around. Without you in my life I will go insane. No one but you can hold me up. etc or
- You are irreplaceable. I need you in my life to grow and live the way I'm doing. I want you around, and I need my connection with you to enable and unlock me the way that you do, in the way that I desire. Without you, my life would be much different, and in many aspects poorer. etc

The first would freak me out. But the second works for me, in some of my relationships, and I think it's safe enough to try at home Good luck!
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  #393  
Old 07-19-2013, 11:02 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Originally Posted by Mya View Post
Do I need my partners? I don't think I do. I want to be with them. I've always thought this is a good thing. My friend talked about her past relationships and what has gone wrong in them. She believes she has made her partners "useless" by being so independent and un-needy, which in turn has made the partner in question feel not needed or very important.
Do you not need them by choice, or just because that's the way you are? I tend to see wanting, not needing, as being indicative of strength and self-sufficiency, but not necessarily as a sign of having erected defenses or being cynical.

Re your friend's experience, couldn't there be other ways than need of making a partner feel important?

I think Fuchka's examples have more to do with a level of commitment/expectations than want/need per se. They're still questions that seem worth thinking about, but I think your life could be very interwoven with someone elses and you could still not be emotionally needy.
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  #394  
Old 07-21-2013, 02:23 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
Do I need my partners? I don't think I do. I want to be with them. I've always thought this is a good thing. My friend talked about her past relationships and what has gone wrong in them. She believes she has made her partners "useless" by being so independent and un-needy, which in turn has made the partner in question feel not needed or very important. She knows there's a big risk in relying on someone but thinks she wants to do that the next time she's in a relationship. She wants to need her partner more. I don't know if I'm being realistic or cynical when I think that most relationships end at some point and you shouldn't give too much of yourself to anyone else. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I'd want to break up with someone but I can't because I'm too dependent on them. Is that a bad thing? Am I protecting myself too much? Could I get more out of my relationships emotionally if I just trusted people more, gave them more of myself and relied on them more?
It sounds like your friend is struggling with her own issues and questioning how she is in relationships - but don't take on her self-doubts or think that her issues are your issues, too! Misery loves company, and people who are not feeling successful in a certain area of their lives (her), will often subconsciously plant seeds of doubt with the people they know are doing quite well (you) the same in area (relationships). You're fine. Have you gotten any complaints from any of your lovers? I doubt it. I've always admired how well you handle your relationships. Don't second guess yourself or give in to your friend's insecurities - they aren't yours.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-21-2013 at 02:26 AM.
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  #395  
Old 07-25-2013, 07:30 AM
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Wow, now I'm really happy I wrote about this - such great responses! Thanks a lot fuchka, wildflowers and nycindie!

The more I think about it, the more I think nycindie might be right. It's true that I haven't gotten complaints about this and I might just take my friend's problems to myself too much. When I re-read what I wrote, I do want to clarify something. I trust my partners, as much as I can trust people. It's not that they don't deserve my trust. I just don't trust anyone 100%, not even myself. I mean, anything can happen anytime and I might lose it and do something I now think I could never do. And so can anybody else as well. So in that sense I don't trust anyone or anything 100%. I'm still not totally convinced if that's a good life attitude though. Maybe it keeps me reserved in a way that I wouldn't need to be.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Do you not need them by choice, or just because that's the way you are? I tend to see wanting, not needing, as being indicative of strength and self-sufficiency, but not necessarily as a sign of having erected defenses or being cynical.
I'd say it's a bit of both. I've always been very independent. I moved out of my mum's house when I was 16 (nothing dramatic there - I just wanted to and my mum thought I was mature enough, and I proved I was). It is a trait that I think is a big part of who I am, but to be honest, it's also a trait I like about myself, so that makes me want to strenghten it even more. So sometimes I do make decisions based on the fact that I want to enforce my independence. But when do I know if I've gone too far with it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
Re your friend's experience, couldn't there be other ways than need of making a partner feel important?
Yes, I'm sure there are other ways.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
You could make analogies to other things. A shelter, for example. You could pack a tent, and know how to move quickly, not relying too much on the same piece of ground. Or you can take a risk and lay down foundations, and see what can be supported by that... As long as you are flexible enough to roll with things, if what you've built tumbles.
This is a good analogy about relying on someone/something. I guess I fear that if I lay down foundations, I don't know how to roll with things if my building tumbles. I know this isn't entirely true though, since my life with JJ was pretty interwoven and I still got through it when we broke up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
I reckon you can be interdependent by choice, which is different from being dependant or co-dependant because you're unable to go it alone.

I like the power of choosing to rely on someone, and to be relied upon. I'm not sure if it's better, necessarily, than loose affiliations with lower expectations. But it does change the nature of what you can grow from that relationship.
I wouldn't say my relationships are loose affiliations with lower expectations. At least all of them, they are a bit different in that aspect. But that is what I'm thinking about now, how different can a relationship be if your lives are more intertwined and you actually have to rely on someone to get through something.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Yes, it's a risk but it doesn't have to be a huge risk (esp if you have the experience and confidence in being self-reliant, if need be.) Voluntary interdependence can be simply just another experiment. What happens if we assume this will last for the indefinite future? What happens if we just state, declare, concede, that breaking up is not an option? (Although we know, we know, it always is. And things can always change).
This is an interesting thought. I don't know if I want to think that breaking up is not an option. It makes me feel trapped. I want to stay in a relationship because I want to stay in it, not because I have to. But who knows, maybe a day will come when I'll try that and see how it feels.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
To "need" someone could mean:
- I seriously can't cope without you around. Without you in my life I will go insane. No one but you can hold me up. etc or
- You are irreplaceable. I need you in my life to grow and live the way I'm doing. I want you around, and I need my connection with you to enable and unlock me the way that you do, in the way that I desire. Without you, my life would be much different, and in many aspects poorer. etc

The first would freak me out. But the second works for me, in some of my relationships, and I think it's safe enough to try at home Good luck!
The first one does sound creepy. I wouldn't want that. The second one.. still sounds quite needy, even though much better than the first. I guess I do have a problem admitting that I'm needy at times. I want people to be with me because they want to and not because I need them to. But maybe it wouldn't be too bad sometimes admitting that you need someone. I'll have to think about that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
I think Fuchka's examples have more to do with a level of commitment/expectations than want/need per se. They're still questions that seem worth thinking about, but I think your life could be very interwoven with someone elses and you could still not be emotionally needy.
Yes, I half-agree with you on this. I think it was sort of a mixture of both things. But they were very good points and things worth thinking about definitely.
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  #396  
Old 07-31-2013, 09:36 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Evan broke up with me. It would've been our 6 month anniversary today. He just never fell in love with me. Just like I feared earlier. There was nothing else wrong with us, we had a good time together, but it just wasn't going anywhere, he was not feeling it. I know it's for the best and I wasn't getting everything I wanted out of the relationship either, but it's still sad of course. I skyped with Hank and he was wonderfully supportive. I'm seeing rory tomorrow as well. I'm glad I have these people in my life who do love me and are there for me. It just really hurts right now.
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  #397  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:31 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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So sorry you're hurting. Breaking up sucks, even when it's for the best.
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  #398  
Old 07-31-2013, 11:54 PM
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*hugs* Sorry to hear things didn't work out as you had hoped... Ah, more hugs!

Hope at least you find some relief to come to place that makes sense given how you both were feeling. But yeah, hurt. Hang in there, and glad Hank and rory have got your back x
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  #399  
Old 08-01-2013, 11:49 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm sorry to hear about this. *hug!!!*
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  #400  
Old 08-02-2013, 07:46 AM
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I'm sorry Mya. It hurts.
Good that you are reaching out to your other partners for support. I felt the same way after breaking up with C, so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life.
hugs!
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