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  #21  
Old 07-15-2013, 05:37 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by YellowBird View Post
Wow...lots of negativity. I understand some of it, but maybe it's due to only giving a very few facts.
People tend to be negative about things when they have either seen or lived patterns and try to project those feelings on people who are asking questions.

Negativity and "reality" can run very close together. But people who have traditionally seen lots of negativity only sometimes forget, anything is possible.

Poly is a small subsection of the non-monogamous world. Non-monogamy is a small part of the overall relationship world. You have found something, you can see how it might work, but its good to know the relationship risks. (like STD's but with relationsips)

All these people saying you shouldn't do it, should instead simply be telling you the risks and letting you make an education decision. We are all adults, if I want to jump off a cliff I damn well can, but I can be both protected and enjoy the ride, knowing shit may hit the fan. Sometimes you just have to weed through the negative crap and build your own risk assessment.

Good luck, sounds like you have some fun NRE, for the record sharing the bed with a woman does not mean you need to be involved with the woman. Men do it all the time, I find it funny so many people are clueless about the mechanics behind 3 straights. (if the hubby is expecting some lesbian love, thats a whole other bucket)..

Also, things evolve. They really do. If this is what you want, and you understand the risks, it is POSSIBLE that she will adapt and evolve and feel safer with your involvement in the relationship. If thats something you, and he... and even her are willing to work towards and re-evaluate, then go to town and enjoy the love.

Naysayers are usually the loudest and most annoying, just take what online people say with a grain of salt. Remember people want to project what they see most.. I usually just view it as comedy. In some cases, they even forgot how they got started in this interesting world. ..

Welcome to poly and the forums..
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  #22  
Old 07-17-2013, 06:09 PM
madeintexas806 madeintexas806 is offline
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Wink Good Luck

Ok I know I am new to all this as well....But I have been in the exact situation you are in...I was the "CONTROLLING" wife. I wont say was because I still am. I wont say it is headed for disaster...But I will say this. It is not easy on any 3 parts. There is going to come a time when you are going to be alone with "HER" husband and she is not going to take to kindly to that. I didn't. It is "NOT" because of insecurities. I promise that. I seem to have better orgasms watching my husband be with another woman and he knows that and so did our other partner. So with that being said.....You do what your heart tells you to do. I mean I have lived it and I know what is going on. But I will also tell you...Someday you are going to want more then what he can give you...meaning a monogamous relationship,and from what I have seen in my life a married man will almost never leave his wife. And in relationships like this these people are right in some ways...The wife will most always have the final say. That includes when and if yall will be able to be intimate. So if you are willing to really except that role as the second person I say go for it. Give it a try. But don't make promises you are unable to keep to them. And vice versa. All 3 of yall have feelings and so all 3 of yall need to make sure everyone is on the same page and has the understanding of each persons role and each persons position. Your part is always going to be the hardest. Good Luck
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  #23  
Old 07-18-2013, 10:13 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by madeintexas806 View Post
Someday you are going to want more then what he can give you...meaning a monogamous relationship
I am confused, are you saying that this is what all what all women in triads want or just the OP?

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And in relationships like this these people are right in some ways...The wife will most always have the final say. That includes when and if yall will be able to be intimate. So if you are willing to really except that role as the second person
Quote:
the understanding of each persons role and each persons position. Your part is always going to be the hardest. Good Luck
And yet you seem to be advertising for another triad, why do you think anyone would want to accept this as a desirable relationship when you know through experience that it is inherently unfair to the new person?
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  #24  
Old 07-18-2013, 10:37 AM
northhome northhome is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
why do you think anyone would want to accept this as a desirable relationship when you know through experience that it is inherently unfair to the new person?
You know, it is just possible that some people are OK with an 'inherently unfair' setup. Hard to believe I know, especially for people who are dedicated to political correctness, equality etc. etc.

But it might just be that such a setup offer something that outweighs all of the disadvantages that are highlighted ad nauseam. The 'third wheel' has a much easier exit route if things don't work out.....

So madeintexas806 has a point. If someone is willing to accept the downsides then why not? It's not for everyone, but neither is polygamy
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  #25  
Old 07-18-2013, 11:33 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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You know, it is just possible that some people are OK with an 'inherently unfair' setup. Hard to believe I know, especially for people who are dedicated to political correctness, equality etc. etc.
You know, political correctness and equality are not actually the same thing right?
I don't demand equality for the sake of being PC, but because it is what I need in my core. However, in the case of people being happy with a secondary set up, that is one thing, but having someone else (in this case, the wife) control your relationship is not necessarily a key aspect of being a secondary.

Quote:
The 'third wheel' has a much easier exit route if things don't work out.....
Of course, as in the secondary thing I was referring to above, these are the people who are happy being secondary, have their own lives, interest and other relationships and will not lose, not only one (or two) relationships, but sometimes their homes when things go pear shaped and that is always worth considering when you think about being in a relationship where your needs and wants come last.
(by the way, I have not mentioned the designed inequality of a D/s relationship, which is fine also).

Quote:
So madeintexas806 has a point. If someone is willing to accept the downsides
I suppose my question to MadeinTexas was...are the 'downsides' she mentions on this thread ones she promotes to prospective partners?
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  #26  
Old 07-18-2013, 06:46 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
. . . when things go pear shaped . . .
Hey! I'm pear-shaped. What's wrong with that?!
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  #27  
Old 07-18-2013, 07:15 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Ooops, how about
"When things go star fruit shaped?"

I need a larger vocab of idioms and phrases
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  #28  
Old 07-18-2013, 07:26 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by madeintexas806 View Post
Ok I know I am new to all this as well....But I have been in the exact situation you are in...I was the "CONTROLLING" wife. I wont say was because I still am. I wont say it is headed for disaster...But I will say this. It is not easy on any 3 parts. There is going to come a time when you are going to be alone with "HER" husband and she is not going to take to kindly to that. I didn't. It is "NOT" because of insecurities. I promise that. I seem to have better orgasms watching my husband be with another woman and he knows that and so did our other partner. So with that being said.....You do what your heart tells you to do. I mean I have lived it and I know what is going on. But I will also tell you...Someday you are going to want more then what he can give you...meaning a monogamous relationship,and from what I have seen in my life a married man will almost never leave his wife. And in relationships like this these people are right in some ways...The wife will most always have the final say. That includes when and if yall will be able to be intimate. So if you are willing to really except that role as the second person I say go for it. Give it a try. But don't make promises you are unable to keep to them. And vice versa. All 3 of yall have feelings and so all 3 of yall need to make sure everyone is on the same page and has the understanding of each persons role and each persons position. Your part is always going to be the hardest. Good Luck

Wait, what? You won't let your husband and the girlfriend have sex without you because YOU have better orgasms if you watch? That doesn't make any sense. What are you saying, that you will have an "unorgasm" if they do it without you? SO WHAT if the girlfriend "knows" this? How is it that people having sex without you sometimes takes something AWAY from you?

You sure ARE controlling, and insecure, whether you admit it or not. Just the fact that you "rationalize" it in a way that makes no sense speaks to that.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 07-18-2013 at 07:28 PM.
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  #29  
Old 07-18-2013, 09:17 PM
madeintexas806 madeintexas806 is offline
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Ok so I can see not many of you can see my side...Like I said I was in the same situation. And I admitted I was the controlling one....But there is far more to the situation....It was not only me who wanted me there...My husband refused to be intimate without me...He says it made him feel like he was cheating...But anyways like I said it is hard on all people involved...But I will stand by what I said...If you are willing to settle for that there is nothing wrong....I mean do what makes you happy. Not what everyone says doesn't make sense or is a disaster. Who knows this relationship might turn out to be the best one and might turn into a life commitment. Good luck And I am out of this judgmental convo.....
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  #30  
Old 07-18-2013, 09:31 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
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Everyone is different, and what works for each person is different ...
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