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  #21  
Old 06-28-2013, 07:21 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Time for vacation. First stop, S on Sunday. She's thinking pretty seriously about being exclusive, so made it clear the benefits have been revoked. That doesn't really change much for us anyway.

Then a week later with T. Getting lots of mixed messages from her now. Who knows what will happen. I walk a really fine line (which I shared with her last night) that I want her to know how desirable I find her while not adding any pressure. It's her decision at this point. We'll see each other of course. Hang out and chat. Beyond that? Who knows.

I'm very excited though.
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  #22  
Old 07-14-2013, 12:50 AM
Nox Nox is offline
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Back home after the trip. In almost every way it surpassed my expectations. Longer post tomorrow.

I love both these women in my life. They have made me a very happy man.
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  #23  
Old 07-15-2013, 08:23 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Ok, so now I have some time.

I really don't think it could have gone much better. Wife was comfortable. She did take a low dose vallium just in case (left over from pre-lasik surgery), but being with T has not seemed to impact either our emotional or sexual relationship. I didn't expect it would, or I wouldn't have pressed on, but what we think is going to happen and what actually happens isn't always the same.

T was wonderful. Due to some messed up traffic, I let her know I was going to be 30 minutes late. Turned out I was able to make up time and she was ready for me anyway. When I got there, I was a little nervous. Keep in mind, I haven't so much as kissed a woman other than my wife in 20 years. We hug and have a few little kisses. She shows me around her place. Her cats don't run from me which highly impresses her. They are normally fearful, but I have a way with animals.

We had previously decided to go for a drink and snacks. That turned out to be a very good idea. I'm not sure if the nervousness was due to being with her the first time, or low blood sugar. I felt much better after having some food. It almost got derailed though, as before we left, I got thoroughly kissed. We stopped, or we wouldn't have made it to dinner. It was within walking distance. I really wasn't sure where the night was going or how much physical contact with which she'd be comfortable, so we didn't hold hands on the way there. By the time the meal was done, I'm not sure I let her go for more than a few seconds.

Not that there is much to talk about, but we haven't had much of an opportunity to discuss the night. She's been incredibly busy and stressed with work. I've been on vacation with little privacy. We had another meeting planned towards the end of the year. We've confirmed those plans, so I must have done something right
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Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #24  
Old 07-15-2013, 08:54 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am happy that your trip went wonderfully well. I love happy news! I hope things continue going well!

Ry
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  #25  
Old 07-17-2013, 02:40 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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There aren't too many of my friends who know that I have a girlfriend. Of those only two asked me for details of the meeting. S was one and the other was a friend from a message board. Those are completely unsurprising, but it made me smile nonetheless. On the downside, both my current best friend and my brother (and his wife) want nothing to do with the situation. They pretend like T doesn't exist. That's really aggravating because I've been super supportive of them over the years. And that's included some stuff I would have been outraged over 20 years ago. Now I find it a little self destructive, but if that's the path they choose, so be it.

K didn't want to know details, though, I've noticed when T and I have scheduled some time, she's much more likely to ask if we had a good time. K also inquires on how T is doing, especially when she's had something important going on in a relationship or work. That makes me feel good.

Yesterday was the first time T and I have gotten to have an extended conversation since our live meeting. We talked in the afternoon and she asked if she could spend some time with me in the evening too. I planned on going to bed early, but I hardly ever turn down time with T, so I was happy to see her. I especially wanted to make sure moving our relationship real world (especially the sex part) hadn't affected our relationship. I was kind of surprised we hadn't talked about it at all. She called me a girl. That made me laugh. I have a lot of "girl" tendencies in relationships. I want to talk. I ask "what are you thinking?" I don't like sitting in silence that much. I'm romantic. My wife and I are reversed in that way too. I get mad when the house is dirty. I need the affection and attention. I cry at movies. etc. But anyway, T just said she doesn't feel the need to talk about good experiences, but she was willing if I wanted. I didn't need to talk about it; I just wanted to make sure it didn't add complication.

Something else humorous. While on the trip there was a couple doing brewery tours at the same time I was and we got to talking. They mentioned they went to [random California city]. My first thought was, "Hey! My girlfriend's boyfriend has a house there!" I didn't say it at the time, but I did text T and K about it.
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Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #26  
Old 08-12-2013, 05:56 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Almost a month since I posted last. Everything is pretty much the same for now.

T is going through a really tough time personally. It could put our November plans on hiatus, but it's entirely justified. I wish I could do more to help her, but there's nothing I can do but offer support and be a friend. I enjoy that part of our relationship, but it makes me worry how I'll feel in a few months if she's always physically and emotionally exhausted when we talk. However, we had a really nice time on a cam chat last night, so I may be anticipating something that won't happen. It wouldn't be the first time.

K is doing well and is going back to school. Our daughter starts kindergarten, so K wants to go back to work. However, we figure it would make more sense for her to finish her degree first.

Other than that, no news is good news. K and I are taking a vacation in a couple weeks. Kids are staying behind with Grandma. We'll get to put that Scuba certification to use.
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Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #27  
Old 08-20-2013, 08:45 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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I can feel it happening. We have had very little playtime the last 6 weeks, and it's turning much more into a long distance relationship. One solution may be to talk on the phone more. For whatever reason we haven't done a lot of that. It's always either cam or text. I know when T feels stressed, she doesn't feel sexy, and doesn't want to be looked at. But we'll see. I'm not sure that's much of a help really. It's the playtime that makes it more than just a friendship.

I don't love her any less, but I can see it becoming a bit of a death spiral. I love to see her face light up when she sees me, but I don't get to see her, so I'm less inclined to do something romantic.

I feel guilty, though. I can't even imagine stress she's going through, and it's on multiple fronts. It's a wonder she has any emotional time left for me at all. She's always so appreciative of all my affection. That is a lot of what I need, but it's not everything. I feel I have to look elsewhere, meaning I can't give her as much affection. Right as she needs it most.

These are just thoughts. Nothing is changing soon. I value all of my time with her. It's just the downtime. Should I pursue another relationship, or should I write her a love note?
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LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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  #28  
Old 08-20-2013, 10:38 PM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
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Hi Dave,

Been rooting for you on your journey and thought I'd check your blog to see how you were doing and then you posted today! Thanks for update though sorry its not same ol' no news is good news

T seems to have always been a very independent spirit which I would imagine is why you're attracted to her. Sorry to hear it may be 'fading away' or it may well just be a phase; her focus is needed elsewhere so attentions are less on you.

Not everyone may agree but in this case I'm going with the "put your mask on before your loved one" thinking: do what's best for you then for T. If you are healthy, happy, strong you have more love/attention to give to others. T doesn't need as much from you now so give her a love note, send her some encouragement, talk on the phone, whatever AND pursue a relationship that will fulfill more of the attention you prefer.

Its not wrong or unfair to T to pursue another relationship even if she's going through a rough time. If/when she needs more than a reminder you love her then she seems plenty confident enough to let you know and/or keep asking her what she wants, what works for her now. She's also had multiple people vying for her attention and you've both dealt with that, setting relationship parameters and asking for what you want. You like/crave attention, seems T has always been very independent and doesn't associate love & attention the same way you do, so getting attention elsewhere is win/win. 'Tis part of the beauty of poly.

Also, give my best to K! She sounds so remarkable and generous and truly coming from love. Think there'd be a lot more harmonious marriages out there if people could be more like her And kudos to you getting through the SCUBA thing. I would've suggested you find something else you two can enjoy together and let her do the SCUBA on her own or with another friend. That's brave, intense; AWESOME, Dude!
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  #29  
Old 08-21-2013, 12:24 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am rooting for you, and I hope it works out with T.
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  #30  
Old 08-21-2013, 03:42 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Thank you guys for the feedback. T got the news we were hoping against. Her bf (8 years+) has metastasized cancer. It's already in three places. This is in addition to other real life stuff going on.

We hung out a little last night, and I'm pretty sure it will be fine. She's very understanding and even with the above going on, she apologized for interrupting when she called. Her bf's life is in danger, and she's worried about pulling me out of a different conversation. So, she will be understanding if I feel I need to pursue other relationships. That's still not a given, but I do feel less guilty about it. I often need to remind myself, she's a strong independent woman. It will bother her more if I try to hang around her like a lap dog.

Also talked to K. Made sure I wasn't neglecting her and made it clear that she's under no moral (or any other) obligation to suppress her needs/desires on account of T's issues. She said she was fine, but she looked visibly relieved when I said it. Of course getting her to vocalize her needs is a different story.

We're going on a 10 day vacation without kids next week, so we should be good for a while regardless
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Me: 39 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 16 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 2.5 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
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