Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-01-2010, 03:05 PM
MrMom MrMom is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rural MN
Posts: 10

StitchwitchD, I think your last paragraph probably sums up where things are at right now. Although she's been with this guy for 4 months (and I've known 2 weeks), I'm hoping she's still in that NRE that every talks about, and that's making it as hard as it's been for her to let go of him. They've corresponded via email a couple times in the past week, however she's still lying to me that they have had zero communication. What's best for me, if she continues to "relapse" and keep communicating or even worse if she sees him face to face, is that things between us end. I can't stand the lying, I can't stand the suspicion and I can't stand the lack of trust. I won't put myself through it. What's best for the kids (besides of course this never happening), I believe, is for my wife to see them as little as possible, yet on a some type of schedule, such as a few weekends/month. I can't stand the thought, and I worry about the kids, of her new boyfriend/lover being around the kids and the kids seeing them being affectionate towards each other.

But fear we're losing focus here and no longer talking about anything that has to do with your forum.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2010, 03:17 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Originally Posted by MrMom View Post
I'm hoping she's still in that NRE that every talks about
I'm sorry if this is harsh, but NRE is not excuse for cheating, which is what she is doing.

I can't stand the lying, I can't stand the suspicion and I can't stand the lack of trust. I won't put myself through it.
Nor should you. Nobody should.

But fear we're losing focus here and no longer talking about anything that has to do with your forum.
Far from it - I think the issues that you are raising are all too common for people coming into poly on less than an optimal path, and I think that many come through that path rather than the enlightened route.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
Old 02-01-2010, 03:40 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231


We feel for you - we really do.
But what's important- as you say- right now is the kids. You (both) are going to be giving them their first lesson in relationships and conflict resolution. They will carry that forward into their own lives !
People get 'married' for various reasons. Often it seems the wrong ones - or prematurely. Then some (not implying you guys) feel that children will 'fix' the gap that everyone senses. Bring you closer together. Doesn't work.
The hope now is that you BOTH realize the position you are in, in relation to the children. Ideally the children learn from this that 'love' has many forms and is subject to change over time. As people learn more about each other and grow in their own lives - it can happen that they grow apart. Of course the loving way to acknowledge and process this is with respect. It's a love of a different form - a desire for the other person to be able to move their life in the direction that's best for them - even if it means moving in opposite directions. And there's no inherent conflict in that. But the kids need that broken down in terms THEY can understand and it's sooooo important that they realize that it doesn't impact the love you both have for them. I know she DOES love them. I think it's literally impossible for a mother not to love her blood bonded offspring. But in her confusion and self absorption (we only have your side of the story) they are being pushed to the side. Sad. That WILL change ! If you can make space for that and try to explain to the kids about her confusion & distraction, and offer them the assurance that she still loves them and will "recover" in a little while - it will help a lot. Like an illness.
But it's "OK" for lovers to grow apart and need to go off in their own direction. In some cases it's absolutely the only sensible option. But it CAN be done with love & kindness and support.
Therin lies the lesson........

Reply With Quote
Old 02-02-2010, 08:24 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 77

Some people say that NRE lasts about 1000 hours, which just counts time actually spent together or in direct communication. So, she's still way in NRE- which does not excuse cheating, it's just something you should keep in mind if you want to understand her side of things.

People who are forcibly separated during NRE historically have done some pretty crazy things- my grandpa forbid my mom to date my dad, so they drove to Iowa, lied about their ages and got married. This is why people shouldn't make any major decisions while in NRE.

So, you've got a choice. You can hurt her, make her chose between her children and her lover (which being forced to make that painful choice would make many people consider the option between hurting and lying). You could do as much as possible to make her life really suck, to get back at her for cheating on you....

Or, if you still love her, you could try to understand how she feels, and try to work with her to figure out a compromise that will work okay for everyone.

Myself, I've found it much easier to stick with boundaries that seem to show some consideration for what the other people involved want- like when I was first dating a new guy, his wife wasn't comfortable with us having PIV, but she was okay with safer activities, so we did a lot of making out and cuddling and various other things, it was nice taking it slow and it meant more when she did relax the boundaries.
In another situation with another couple, the wife decided she wasn't comfortable with me doing ANYTHING sexual with her husband, she knew I still wanted to, she knew he wanted to, but she wasn't willing to even discuss it or say WHY it was such a problem, and she's frequently left us in situations where we'd have opportunity to ignore her boundaries, if we had less ethics or didn't care so much about her feelings- but sometimes it makes me wonder if she doesn't care, or she doesn't understand, or if she's testing us or what. It's hard doing the right thing to make someone else happy when it seems like they don't care if you're happy.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:35 PM.