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  #111  
Old 07-15-2013, 06:14 PM
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naturalblue naturalblue is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
You can always set someone to ignore. Click on their name -> profile -> Action (I think) -> add to my ignore list

That way you won't see their posts.
Awesome, thank you.
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  #112  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:09 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Hi Ari! Missed ya!

Marcus isn't a jerk-he's a realist. He doesn't look at things the way you do (or even I do-but he's honest and blunt and easily willing to say "ok no problem-I wouldn't do that in a million years but to each his own"

I treasure my marriage and my bf. 20 years with bf. 15 with husband.

HOWEVER-divorce isn't the only requirement and when my husband CHOSE toxic behavior-out of the house he went because I also treasure my children and their mental well being (and my own) and each adult person is responsible for maintaining those themselves and parents are responsible for maintaining a healthy environment for their children.
Fortunately-dh also treasures our marriage and he used that time apart to work on his shit and figure out WTF kept driving him to be a drama seeker (and maker).

Just because you love and treasure your commitment-
just because you hold yourself accountable to honor and abide your promises-

DOES NOT mean you aren't also accountable to uphold a level of expectations for reasonable, mature and responsible behavior by all parties.

In fact-I believe that part of healthy relationships is being able to say -dude that is some BULLSHIT you are catering to and creating there and I won't abide by it. YOU are free to continue that dysfunctional shit-but I advise you that if you choose to-I won't be joining you on that endeavor.

Allowing someone to continue dysfunctional behavior WITH you only creates a negative growth cycle for yourself-in which you grow more and more dysfunctional yourself-instead of continuing to grow and improve.

Toxic/dysfunctional relationships are created between toxic and dysfunctional PEOPLE. Not one person. It cant be a relationship unless both parties participate and if a person is choosing to participate-they are dysfunctional too...

Said-with all due respect-cause I was one of those people who let myself feel I couldn't set boundaries and standards and expectations for MY life that didn't mesh with what my husband was living-because of my commitment.

THEN I learned better and now our marriage is SO much stronger and SO much happier and SO much healthier.
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  #113  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:13 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Just my two cents, calm down. No one is telling you just up and divorce your husband. Guess what? Some of us are married and DO take those vows seriously. Also, we take our other relationships seriously, we take ALL our commitments seriously! Who'd a thunk??

If I were you, (and again ignore me if you feel like it, no skin off my nose), I'd worry more about how things are happening between you and hubby. I have a somewhat similar situation, but it's not metamours. It's family.

I am working with my therapist about confronting negative emotions because I have a hard time with it. My mother is EXTREMELY abusive and since she flips switches, when she pulls crap and then the next day acts like nothing happened, I tend to do the same. Thing is, that does not work for hubby.

So right now he is telling me that he will be confronting my mother over issues that need to be dealt with, he is very upset. Just because decades of abuse has taught me to back off and ignore with my mother, that's not healthy and it doesn't work for him. So I do NOT try and convince him to be okay with things. He's not, he has a right to not be. The fact that your husband not only refuses to respect your boundaries of not having her in YOUR life, but tries to get you to forgive forget and move on is an issue between YOU TWO.
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  #114  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:15 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Clapping (at Victor..) (Can't recall how to spell your name-I do apologize).

Great job at recognizing the need to confront bad habits learned from unhealthy "training"! (serious-not sarcastic)
We ALL have those traits we use as defense mechanisms that are unhealthy and it's SO AWESOME when we can recognize them and then start retraining ourselves to be healthy, happy and whole adults!

So-CLAPPING and congrats! It's hard work-but so worth it!

*you may now return to your normal broadcasting*
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  #115  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Hi Ari! Missed ya!

Marcus isn't a jerk-he's a realist. He doesn't look at things the way you do (or even I do-but he's honest and blunt and easily willing to say "ok no problem-I wouldn't do that in a million years but to each his own"
Should have been more clear. Not judging him directly, just giving someone who doesn't appreciate his posts a way not to view them. ..

Honestly, I don't know anything about many people here. So really just giving an out to someone ... I do say one persons realist is anothers negative. .. I suffer from the same thing, I can sometimes be called negative while I view what I say as realistic... simply different sides of a coin.

And hello to you too
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  #116  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:17 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Oh-only my hello was to you Ari.

Saw your happy celebratory news on fb. Congrats!
Nice to *see* you!
Hope all continues to be well with your fam!
(ours is MUCH better-been awesome for a good amount of time now)
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  #117  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:19 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

Great job at recognizing the need to confront bad habits learned from unhealthy "training"! (serious-not sarcastic)
We ALL have those traits we use as defense mechanisms that are unhealthy and it's SO AWESOME when we can recognize them and then start retraining ourselves to be healthy, happy and whole adults!

So-CLAPPING and congrats! It's hard work-but so worth it!

Hey this is the hard part of poly. It gives NO ROOM to hide those things. Keep burying your head in the sand or denying and you won't get far. Hubby has had to do more than his fair share of inner work as the mono partner and the cheated on partner, I don't get off scot free! They suck, they are hard, but you do them anyway. The old habit of "Bad feelings just stop doing things that bring me bad feelings!" dont' work. Your bad feelings, your work.
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  #118  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:20 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Oh-only my hello was to you Ari.

Saw your happy celebratory news on fb. Congrats!
Nice to *see* you!
Hope all continues to be well with your fam!
(ours is MUCH better-been awesome for a good amount of time now)
Oops haha..

Thanks, life is definitely great... although smoking busy. Today being an exception since I am giving myself time away from the work computer.
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  #119  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:33 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Vix-definitely understand-similar paradigm here. It's taken a few years but we're finally settled into a happy, comfortable growth pattern that works for all of us. Keep up the hard work! You'll get there.
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  #120  
Old 07-15-2013, 10:46 PM
Flear Flear is offline
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Default figuring it out

just saying, i've never heard an optimistic realist, i've heard many negative ones.
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