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  #11  
Old 07-14-2013, 02:37 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
That was kind of rude and tactless.
Even though a person is responsible for their own expectations and should be mindful of asking questions they don't want the answer to... what gives with his answer? I mean, surely he could tell there was a romantic evening going on and could have been a bit more tactful.

"My mind was wandering, sorry baby. You look wonderful, I can't tell which part of you I want to put in my mouth first!" ... I mean come on dude.
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  #12  
Old 07-14-2013, 03:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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He said I didn't want to know and when I asked why he said it was because "he was thinking about sticking his tongue down someone else's throat." I am out of line to be upset?
Rude 2 times over. Ugh. No wonder you are upset.

1) He could be accurate and own that he doesn't want to share. Which is what it is really -- HIS willingness to disclose rather than your willingness to hear/know. He doesn't live in your brain. He can't tell you what you do/do not want to know. You asked, right? So you DO want to know.

2) He could apologize and be present with you on your shared date. Could say "Sorry, my mind was drifting off. I'm not willing to keep it over there. Let's bring it back to where it belongs -- here with US, YOU. Tell me about..." and re-engage in conversation with you on your shared date.

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  #13  
Old 07-14-2013, 06:49 PM
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bruisepristne bruisepristne is offline
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Default Updates and thank you to everyone...

So last night after dinner, to put it in simple terms, sucked. I couldn't sleep at all...and woke up at 9 this morning still upset and wondering how to work through the situation. When my BF woke up he asked what was going on with me & I told him I was still upset & that I had posted what happened here in the hopes of gaining greater perspective. He got pretty upset when I told him what some of the responses to my original post were. After a calming down period we were finally able to talk about it.
Before I go into the conversation we had and where we are now, I want to first thank all of you for your perspectives & insight.
I would also like to clarify that I too, do not believe in asking a question if you don't want to hear the answer. I never ask anyone if I look fat in anything for that very reason. However, there was really no way for me to know, nor were we in a situation where I thought that could even be a possible response. Had we been, or had I thought that, I never would have posed the question. I definitely learned a lesson last night in that respect. I am also not someone who makes a practice of setting unspoken expectations on anyone. I know very well that that is just a recipe for disappointment. That being said, I don't think it was unreasonable of me to think that dinner last night was about us, and us celebrating him. Maybe that is naive on my part, I don't know.
After finally calming a bit & talking about it he explained to me that the thought he was referring to wasn't even necessarily a pleasant one. The thought he had was of a past experience in which he made out with someone he normally wouldn't have according to him & that the kiss itself was awkward at best. It is unfortunate that he didn't just tell me that, and it is unfortunate I made a blanket assumption based on his response. He said the reason he didn't tell my all the backstory behind the thought & the statement was because to him, it was so insignificant. Again, no way for me to know that either.
At the end of the day, I think perhaps lessons learned for all of us, and I will definitely approach future situations differently.
I am beyond grateful to all of you, and I feel like all the good, bad & even ugly that is part of almost every relationship is going to be easier to handle and get through with the perspective and support of this forum & all of you.
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Last edited by bruisepristne; 07-15-2013 at 12:33 AM. Reason: typo
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  #14  
Old 07-14-2013, 07:04 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post

"My mind was wandering, sorry baby. You look wonderful, I can't tell which part of you I want to put in my mouth first!" ... I mean come on dude.
THIS!
I was discussing this post last night with GG.
He tried (admirably but even he couldn't pull it off in hypotheticals) to defend the guy.
The bottom line came down to-yes we all have moments when our minds wander.
But just saying "wow honey-I'm sorry, I drifted off, that was rude" would have been HONEST without being RUDE.

It's almost like he was trying to destroy the chances of the evening going well.

In fact-I see his response "you don't want to know" as being on par with asking a question you may not want to hear the answer to-on purpose.
Game playing.

I never ask "do these jeans make me look fat".
I ask "does this look ok or?" and sometimes Maca or GG says "I'd rather see you in xyz outfit". Shrug.

But setting someone up for a failed conversation that will potentially lead to a downhill slide emotionally? Rude.

Don't ask questions you aren't ready to hear honest answers to.
Don't answer questions without compassion and care.

(Christ-Marcus and I aren't that rude to each other on here and we don't even know each other :P )
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  #15  
Old 07-14-2013, 11:19 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default what the hell kind of parable is that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus
Quote:
Originally Posted by bruisepristine
Originally Posted by bruisepristne View Post
I got all dressed up, researched restaurants and menus so he could sit across the table and daydream about someone else?
Doing something nice for someone shouldn't come with expectation. I dated a girl who, when I wasn't doing something she wanted would bring up "but what about all of the nice things I've done for you". This is not a kind act, but a down payment for the expectation of future payout. If I do something nice for someone that's it, there isn't any return expected. If I'm trying to get something from someone and I need to do something nice to get it... is that really a kind gesture anymore? Or is it just my putting down a payment to get something I want?
Why use a parable or comparison that detracts from the meaning? This doesn't have anything to do with expectation or manipulative trapping of a person by attempting to to make them feel obligated.

It's not even close to the same situation. It was him being a complete prick to a person that was trying to create a special dinner on his birthday. If that is the kind of shit he pulls I hope she would know better after it happened a second time. If it's hit and miss and she still thinks he is worth being friends with, the least he do is tell her

"I am in one of my asshole moods tonight, I am disrespectful and bitter and looking to hurt you, but I don't want to take responsibility for it, but since you know me well enough by now you know it's not possible, so rather then ruin a wonderful dinner I will at least be respectful so that you don't waste you time and money tonight. "

I just don't see how a person could not be aware of their behavior and honestly claim innocence if it happened like the OP described. I would be much more inclined to think the prick is pissed about something, but too much of a spineless bastard to say, so instead he will stare off into space until she asks him what's going on, then he can stab her in the heart for whatever piddly bullshit misunderstanding he is probably blaming her for making him feel.

Everybody does stupid things, ignorantly passive aggressive esp when they try to maintain their cool but cannot live up to it.

Hopefully I am wrong, but it sounds like there were too many things he would have had to be consciously aware of for him to claim he is just being his authentic self.

So don't let him use this as an excuse to later claim he finds it hard to tell you the truth because of this incident. We all have mood swings , but to not admit that it's more a case of you being hurt when he is being a prick begins to cross the line of dishonesty, unless of course his authentic self is an asshole

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-15-2013 at 12:02 AM.
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  #16  
Old 07-14-2013, 11:53 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
... If I ask, do these jeans make me look fat, do I really want someone to tell me, "Yes, you have gained a stone or two and would do well to buy some more?"
I do, on occasion, ask this question - in a tongue in cheek sort of way (usually in a phony voice/affectation). But I AM looking for some actual feedback - my boys responses:

"No, honey...your gigantic ass makes you look fat...the jeans have nothing to do with it." - followed by hysterical laughter at how clever they are, as I pretend to pout.

More useful answers:

"I think you look better in the one's with the design on their pockets."

"Those aren't terribly flattering - how about that purple shirt/black skirt thing you wore the other weekend."

"Your butt looks fantastic but I would try a longer shirt."

You can be honest without being mean.

JaneQ

PS. My boys have a better fashion sense than I do (since I have none) - they know what they like to see me in.

PPS. I am about 10-15 pounds overweight at this point - but I am not overly sensitive about it. They are really good about helping me remember that I WANT to lose weight (I have lost 15 pounds already) without being mean.
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  #17  
Old 07-15-2013, 01:07 AM
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bruisepristne bruisepristne is offline
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Hi everyone, I just wanted to let you all know that today, has progressively gotten better. With the trauma I experienced a few weeks ago,(I had a miscarriage and surgery) things have been more emotionally charged just in general than they usually are. I posted in the introductions forum how since the miscarriage I have been a lot more insecure & just unsure in general since that happened & am trying to work through it.
My BF isn't a dick, he is usually very compassionate and sensitive and supportive. I wouldn't be walking this road with him if I thought otherwise.
I believe perhaps, the thought in his head didn't translate to what came out of his mouth & that the celebratory champagne and cocktails we had contributed to that.
In any event, I believe we will both be more cautious and considerate when asking and answering questions in the future.
I also wanted to respond to Dirtclustit's response...you wrote a lot of things that when I am at my lowest points would think and maybe even say. However, I have to believe that if there is some underlying issue going on that he is going to talk to me about it. I was in one relationship where I had to pull pretty much everything out of my partner & it was one of the things that ended us. My BF is nothing like that, and I am going to have to trust him & trust that if something is going on, he will address it with me. One of the things I am learning about relationships since we rekindled ours in a different way is that if I don't trust my partner and don't believe in them, the relationship is ultimately doomed. I am one of those people who is constantly picking things apart to death, over analyzing everything and constantly questions myself and other people. This is obviously something I do not like about myself, and am working hard to change/stop it. It serves no purpose but to torture the thinker, and takes away the joy and peace of the moment, day or even week depending. I am kind of grateful that poly challenges that on a whole new level because it gives me greater opportunity to work on it, and myself.
Anyway, thank you, every single one of you for being there in this cyber-land for someone you don't even know. Your responses have brought me greater peace, laughter, validation and even a few tears. I am grateful for it all, and all of you.
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  #18  
Old 07-15-2013, 01:34 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Thank You for speaking up

because I normally would not post such a reply that makes so many assumptions without a disclaimer.

Because non of US is perfect, and you are correct, he could have done what he did without any premeditation, and no matter how convincing myself or anybody else may be it is you and your boyfriend that will always carry more weight because it is your life that is being discussed.

And instead of planting seeds of doubt in your mind about your boyfriend I should have left it at encouraging you to teach him how to be conscious of those situations. Because it can easily be avoided, without overthinking, without picking apart the speech or the situation, all while being completely free to be your authentic self without fear of not being able to make a mistake

So my words were definitely overly harsh, as it does not matter at all how far they may be from reality, because even if they had been close, it is you who is experiencing it, it's you and your boyfriend, not me

When you connect with a person who understand their life according to compatible beliefs and are willing to put the work in, it is always worth it to stay

because if the genuinely do understand and will by their own will do their part, you won't ever have to make a decision of whether to stay or leave the relationship


Do NOT LISTEN TO MY ADVICE as only your thoughts will be able to perfectly describe your life, and I mean that sincerely

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 07-15-2013 at 01:36 AM. Reason: typo
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  #19  
Old 07-15-2013, 03:05 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I do, on occasion, ask this question - in a tongue in cheek sort of way (usually in a phony voice/affectation). But I AM looking for some actual feedback - my boys responses:

"No, honey...your gigantic ass makes you look fat...the jeans have nothing to do with it." - followed by hysterical laughter at how clever they are, as I pretend to pout.

More useful answers:

"I think you look better in the one's with the design on their pockets."

"Those aren't terribly flattering - how about that purple shirt/black skirt thing you wore the other weekend."

"Your butt looks fantastic but I would try a longer shirt."

You can be honest without being mean.

JaneQ

PS. My boys have a better fashion sense than I do (since I have none) - they know what they like to see me in.

PPS. I am about 10-15 pounds overweight at this point - but I am not overly sensitive about it. They are really good about helping me remember that I WANT to lose weight (I have lost 15 pounds already) without being mean.
I expect honesty, but I do not expect DH to be an asshole about it. I just had a baby last year, and I am not a Victoria's Secret model. I did not have a contractual agreement in place to lose the weight in 90 days or less to maintain my Angel status. I did that 90 days BS with the first child. Never again. I ended up smaller than I was before I got pregnant.

It is all in what/how something is said. There is a huge difference between, "X is more flattering," or "This looks better on your figure" than oh say, "God, you have gained a lot of weight; skipping a few meals would not hurt you at all." As someone who admittedly has had problems with food in the past and, that is the wrong thing to say to me.

Honesty without being mean is a hard feat for some.
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  #20  
Old 07-15-2013, 03:06 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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OP, I am glad things are better.
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