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  #11  
Old 07-12-2013, 11:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bruisepristne View Post
Magdlyn:

Yes those are both issues I am aware of and have been working on little by little every day for years. All I can do is my best to be a better person than I was the day before.
Well, if you really want to get Zen about it, the thing is to know you're already perfect, and just need get out of your own shadow.

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I might not win every single battle, but I always get back up, and I always will.
Thank you for taking the time, and for the advice. I appreciate it.
No problem!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #12  
Old 07-13-2013, 12:26 PM
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You are in mourning. Go easy on yourself. Now is not the time to listen to your inner critic and judge yourself so harshly for not being where you think you should be. It is understandable that you are sensitive right now and in need of reassurance and TLC.

Yes, there may be deep-seated self-esteem issues that need to be addressed and all of that, but it has only been two weeks since you received devastating news and underwent a procedure which left you a bit traumatized. You've been through a lot, and it happened without warning. Find ways to be gentle and loving toward yourself and don't be afraid to ask your partner for some extra attention and kindness.
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  #13  
Old 07-13-2013, 01:54 PM
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Magdlyn:

Wow. Thank you. I am so grateful to have found this forum and for people who don't even know me but are willing to take time out of their own lives to offer advice and perspective.
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  #14  
Old 07-13-2013, 02:05 PM
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Nycindie:

You know, I really didn't think about it like that, but you are right. I grew up in a tough love household. I was always told no matter what the situation to 'suck it up & keep moving' so I think I still unconsciously operate on that level. My therapist now said to me once after I said something I thought was totally benign, 'Wow, you are brutal...to yourself...'
I know I will get through the loss, I am already starting g to feel a little more like myself, and I am grateful for all the support I have. I think I need to keep working and learning on the parts of myself that get angry when I can't control my emotions. I am a way better helper than help-ee...!
Even though I know it's okay to need help, and I relish in every opportunity to be there for someone who needs me, I need to remember it is okay to ask for a hand every now and then.
Thank you so much. I have only been on here one day & already feel like I am not alone, and that I don't have to walk this poly road by myself.
So grateful.
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"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies & it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation." -Osho
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  #15  
Old 07-15-2013, 12:28 AM
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Default Road Bumps

Hi everyone,
I wanted to first off thank all of you again for your replies and support.
As some of you know, I posted in the relationships forum last night about an incident that happened at dinner last night. For those of you who don't know and are interested please feel free to look up the post? The end of our evening was pretty upsetting. Another road bump to drive carefully over.
Last night and this morning were really difficult, but things are turning around. I am realizing that in these relationships clear communication is paramount.
I also wanted to let those of you who suggested I open lines of communication with my BF's other GF's that I took a deep breath and made that leap today. I emailed both of them, and they both already responded.
I was scared of what they would say, what they might think and of being honest with them, as I mentioned before, that kind of vulnerability can be terrifying.
Even though I am still unsure of when I will be ready to meet them, I did let them both know, that I hope we can get to a place where we can all share space and laughter and that it was important to me that they know I have respect for the relationship(s) they have with my partner.
Luckily for me, they both responded with empathy, gratitude and kindness.
I wanted to thank all of you for helping me work up the courage to send those emails.
I also wanted to ask what kind of relationship you all have with your partner's significant others? I am still trying to work out/find my comfort zone with all of this. My BF and I were talking about putting together some sort of informal agreement we obviously can change at any time, but that gives us an idea and understanding on communication with each other and ensures we share time together, as a family and individually. Being a novice, I am trying to figure out how to open lines of communication, how to gain more security and confidence in myself and my relationship and hearing from all of you has already helped more than I could ever adequately express.

Thanks so much <3
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"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies & it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation." -Osho
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  #16  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:49 PM
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Re:
Quote:
"I also wanted to ask what kind of relationship you all have with your partner's significant others?"
Poly has a wide range of shapes and sizes. My arrangement is kind of a closed poly-fi V. There are two men and one woman, we're all hetero so the men are just friends. Not really looking for anyone new to add to our circle, although it's theoretically possible.

It takes awhile to recover from a road bump, and you're right, clear communication is paramount.

Way to go on sending those emails. I'm sure it will help ease some of the fear of the unknown.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #17  
Old 07-16-2013, 02:57 AM
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I'm glad you contacted your metamours and are considering meeting them

Check our Blog section here to see all the different configurations of poly there are...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #18  
Old 07-23-2013, 02:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bruisepristne View Post
I also wanted to ask what kind of relationship you all have with your partner's significant others?
In my case, there was a mismatch between what I and my metamour wanted in in a relationship between the two of us. She wanted a close, BFF, sisterly type of relationship. I wasn't feeling it, and was content to stay at a less BFF-y (ew, that looks weird) place in our friendship (our friendship beforehand was pretty light - friendly, but not close). The fact that we got together regularly (the three of us) to talk about our rough spots in the relationship didn't help, as she thought it implied an intimacy between us that I didn't feel.

I offered to spend more 1-on-1 time with her, since she wanted the closeness, and even though I couldn't guarantee anything, it seemed like the only way to get there - to get to know her better OUTSIDE of the relationship. In the process, I felt like I was being put on a timetable and didn't like the idea of spending time together toward a goal, as opposed to spending time together because it was fun. It ended up resulting in a discussion where I just said that I wasn't feeling it. We didn't have that "click" that all my really close friendships have, and I didn't like feeling like I needed to be a "bestie" on some sort of particular deadline.

No hard feelings now, but damn, that was tough.

So, short of the long, we're friends, but "friends" can have a different meaning for each person. Currently, we're operating on a, "We'll we what we'll be" philosophy, with no pressure to move toward anything different. It feels much better.

There is no desire on my part to add a physical component to our friendship. I imagine, given the emotional up-and-down on her end, she's probably feeling the same right about now (but that's speculation on my part).

Quote:
Originally Posted by bruisepristne View Post
My BF and I were talking about putting together some sort of informal agreement we obviously can change at any time, but that gives us an idea and understanding on communication with each other and ensures we share time together, as a family and individually.
We didn't write anything down, but the three of us do try to get together somewhat regularly to keep the lines of communication open. We also have a shared calendar in place, and my partner splits his time between the two of us. I have no interest in a shared household. Hell, when I got divorced, I was adamant about not having a roommate, period, so it's nothing personal.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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  #19  
Old 07-30-2013, 01:12 AM
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bruisepristne bruisepristne is offline
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YouAreHere: Thank you for your reply. Sorry it took so long to get back to you, I was in a car accident & then almost immediately out of town for my wee ones birthday. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like, like me, you are just with one partner? Do you mind my asking you more about that? Let me know and let me know if you would prefer a PM over the forum?

Thanks SO much!
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"If you love a flower, don't pick it up. Because if you pick it up it dies & it ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation." -Osho
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  #20  
Old 07-30-2013, 11:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bruisepristne View Post
YouAreHere: Thank you for your reply. Sorry it took so long to get back to you, I was in a car accident & then almost immediately out of town for my wee ones birthday. Correct me if I am wrong, but it sounds like, like me, you are just with one partner? Do you mind my asking you more about that? Let me know and let me know if you would prefer a PM over the forum?

Thanks SO much!
Yikes - hoping you're doing all right after the car accident!

I am with just one partner. Feel free to ask me more - if there's anything I don't feel comfortable answering on the forum, I'll take it to PM, but if it's something that can be useful to someone else, I'm happy to keep it in the thread.
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Dramatis personae:
Me: Mono. Divorced, two kids (DanceGirl, 13; and PokéGirl, 10), two cats, one house, many projects.
Chops: My partner. Poly. In relationships with me, Xena, and Noa.
Xena: Poly. In relationships with Chops and Noa, and dating others.
Noa: Married, Poly. In relationships with Chops and Xena (individually).

Blog thread: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")
Slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk
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