Emotions and their role in polyamoury

[yoxi]

I think men and women have different (though overlapping) relationships with their emotions, different 'officially permitted ranges' of emotions, and neither of them is 'right', just different.

It just means sometimes men and women have to make a little more effort to make sense of each other, and it's generally worth the effort. but it's not an obligation, in the sense that anyone has a 'right' to be understood by anyone else in the first place. With the right people, it's a pleasure learning what makes them tick - and part of that process is not assuming they 'should' be doing it the same way you do, or vice versa. That's just going to make someone dig their heels in.

Unfortunately, we're stuck slap bang in the middle of a media/culture-driven emphatic to maintain a Competition Of The Sexes situation (it keeps everyone insecure, which is very good for sales figures), so everyone's encouraged to compete/compare (who's winning? etc.) instead of observing and learning, and just accepting the differences as well as the similarities between men and women.

[NeonKaos]

I like to turn things over in my mind a few times and bounce it off my husband, who does tend to do the "guy thing" and tune it out once it has been discussed. maybe it seems obsessive, but i think it is the "gal thing" to do. It's more about hearing myself say something out loud and making sure it makes sense from more than one angle.

Men need to accept that women are this way, and women need to accept that men are this way, and each needs to meet the other half-way.

(I take the liberty of making those sweeping generalizations within the context of this particular discussion. I do not mean to suggest that "all women" and "all men" are a "certain way".)

[MonoVCPHG]

Communication is everything to me. I will beat an issue to exhaustion if it brings me closer to the person I love.

For me it isn't a matter of “he doesn't get it". In some cases it is a matter of "it's just not him".

Not everyone has the same approach to communication, emotional attachment and what that means, or the idea of love itself.

When I hear the words "he doesn't know what he is missing, or why wouldn't they want what I have" I simply remember that what's important to me may mean nothing to someone else. They may not even want what I value so where is the positive in repeated attempts to show them the wonder of what "I value". I probably can't see the wonder in what "they value". I accept that.

Like being Canadian and not caring a drop for hockey. To some of my friend's this idea is beyond understanding. We don't debate it..we accept it. That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, it just means we won’t be going to any hockey games together.

[Mark1npt]

Ygirl and yoxi, I appreciate your candor and your input......makes sense to me....I "get" it!.....

Mono.....you're Canadian and you don't like hockey? Is that allowed up there? I would think that would be way worse (up there) than coming out as poly! lol

[MonoVCPHG]

There is a reason I stayed quiet on this thread. It involves me and therefore I was worried about coming off as judgemental or a selfish monogamistic prick. Redpepper knows my concerns about voicing my opinions when they hit close to home but seeing how we plan on spending a very integrated life together she will inevitably hear more of them LOL! This is nothing she hasn't heard.

Take care my friends

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Mark1npt

Mono.....you're Canadian and you don't like hockey? Is that allowed up there? I would think that would be way worse (up there) than coming out as poly! lol

You're probably right LOL!

[LadyKismet]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I recently asked this question to a friend of mine that I meet on a dating site. Although we never got together in a intimate way, in fact I have never met her, she has become a confident and friend. My husband went to see her in a neighboring city with the chance that the two of them might become something more than friends but the energy wasn't there and they have now become good friends also.... this isn't really the point... so I will get to it.

I posed this question to her..

"Any ideas on whether or not to slog away on a relationship with someone who is not where you are at emotionally? And basically holds no value in expressing emotion. To him its all drama and a sign of weakness."

I have a intimate friend who I asked to just be friends with for a time as I want to work on our friendship before resuming an intimate relationship. When we get together or plan to get together it seems to revolve around sex rather than getting to know each other better and he has seemingly no desire to get to know my husband and primary partners. To complicate matters his girl friend is my husbands ex.

(My husband and her were friends but he wanted/felt something more deep and poly in his love for her when they were intimate. She wanted a friend with benefits and had no love for him. My husband is still getting over his disappointment and hurt feelings about this and at the poly meetings we go to he is unable to talk to her because of his deep emotions.... she has made no attempt to talk to him either)

This intimate friend of mine made the request of mine into something about my husband and his girlfriend. I told him about my husbands deep emotions and that he was still struggling with it. His reply was that he should get over it, suck it up so to speak and just resume our friendships from before all this. He is disappointed that we can't all just hang out and have sexy times together... that he prefers no drama sexy adventures with friends. He mentioned love in that, but to me loving and it's role in poly is about respecting peoples emotions and honoring where they are at with them. Also it's about being patient and caring of one another. In fact what he wants is not poly at all to me if there is no place for emotion. It's more like swinging of having an open relationship.

This is how my friend answered....

"Mmmmm...someone calling expressing emotion 'drama' is a major red flag for me. I once dated someone who was of that opinion and in reality it was a way of victimizing and blaming the person for how they feel - and an effective tool for disclaiming personal responsibility for the person who triggered the emotion in you.

In fact, it is dangerous in a poly relationship especially not to be honest about your emotions. Jealousy a big issue that people trying poly often face is forged out of insecurity - personal insecurity either related to self esteem, or insecurity due to not feeling safe or secure or not fully trusting of your partner.

For me, if my partner does not express his/her emotions and make me feel special - then it really is a turn off for me.

Now one thing I would look at is the reasons your partners is like that? Have they gone through some dramatic betrayal in the past that makes them fear being emotionally vulnerable? And what you see is a tough protective front? It sounds like they associate any emotional expression as being a bad thing... People sometimes do react this way after they've been involved with people in the past with hystrionic personality disorder or who were simply attention seekers as well.

If you can crack open the reason as to WHY they are like that? And are both willling to work on it together. Then there may be an immense opportunity for growth and bonding closer for you.

However, if he is not willing to budge on this issue or put in the work on it. I would say it is time to part ways, and look for someone more emotionally compatible. In the long term this relationship will leave you unsatisfied and likely feeling more and more desperate, trying to figure what you can do to get him to show "proof" that he really does care about you."

She is a smart woman with lots of experience and I thought what she said was very helpful and worth passing on.... I welcome any more advice although I have pretty much decided that we are not emotionally compatible and I highly doubt that I will be spending much more time with my intimate friend on any level.... who knows.

I am left feeling disappointed that he is like this, angry that he would disrespect my husband like that.... lastly I feel sad that a perfectly good friendship would turn sour due to the fact that we were intimate. Just goes to show that one should be very careful who they share intimate moments with in poly.

I've found that even the people that hurt you, within the shell of what happened, there lies a pearl of wisdom to be gleamed from the encounter. I believe whatever higher powers that be let them intersect your path for you each to learn something that you needed to learn at the time. It's not helpful advice at the moment, because when it hurts, it hurts. It's not something you can put a bandaid on, unfortunately. That kind of hurt just has to run its course. But I promise you, with all my heart, that one day you will look back and see an incredible gift lying in the rubble of this relationship. I hope this is not offensive to you in any way, because it seems almost inappropriate in the face of heart-pain, but does have some wisdom of its own to offer. Also, I'm not up to date yet on what happened, so if I'm way off, I apologize immensely. But a broken heart is a broken heart, and I felt it in your message. Much love, and hugs,

Heather

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by LadyKismet

if you're hurting, we're hurting. If you have an issue, then we have an issue.

I really like this! thanks.... a really good point.

As for you Mark1npt, "I don't get it"....? Seriously I don't. I can't remember harbouring things until later. I am usually the quickest to get over stuff and the quickest to forget. Unless it keeps repeating over and over. Maybe that's just me. I certainly know women that are like that though.

Thanks for all the responses.... I really appreciate all the input.

I ended up writing him an email along the lines of how important it is to me that people in my life show their emotions and communicate because to me it shows courage and is indicative of wanting to work towards better themselves and their relationships with others.

I told him that it would be unlikely that we would ever be intimate again and that I would still consider being his friend if he were to conduct our relationship in a manner that made me feel more respected. Then I laid out how he could do this (I like to tell people exactly what I want to hear, so that I don't have unrealistic expectations that they know... I find that unfair to them. Like it's a set up... they can't read my mind!). I included that he is not to bad mouth the path that I am on, or the people in my life, not to judge my life or those in it and would have to communicate more about what he feels without doing this.

I dunno, when I wrote it, it sounded more soft and I used more "I" statements.... "when you said this, it made me feel.." "I feel like this when I think this..." kinda thing. You get the idea.

I don't expect an answer, but it made me feel better about it all

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by LadyKismet

I've found that even the people that hurt you, within the shell of what happened, there lies a pearl of wisdom to be gleamed from the encounter. I believe whatever higher powers that be let them intersect your path for you each to learn something that you needed to learn at the time. It's not helpful advice at the moment, because when it hurts, it hurts. It's not something you can put a bandaid on, unfortunately. That kind of hurt just has to run its course. But I promise you, with all my heart, that one day you will look back and see an incredible gift lying in the rubble of this relationship. I hope this is not offensive to you in any way, because it seems almost inappropriate in the face of heart-pain, but does have some wisdom of its own to offer. Also, I'm not up to date yet on what happened, so if I'm way off, I apologize immensely. But a broken heart is a broken heart, and I felt it in your message. Much love, and hugs,

Heather

ah, thanks! I am really okay, but am touched that you would be concerned for my poor old heart.... really, I have tons going on and A LOT of love coming from different directions.... I also give a lot back. I am extrememly fortunate and thankful every day for that.

You are right! there is always a pearl of wisdom. For me it was that I really shouldn't jump into sex with people that I haven't developed a friendship with at this point. I think it will work best for me to get to know people first and be pleasantly surprised when something more comes out of it.

I am blessed to have everything I need in my husband and my primary (mono). In addition I have other intimate friends that are good friends and will be around for a long time.... I don't need anymore, just will be happy with what the future holds either way

thanks again everyone.....

[MonoVCPHG]

I am so proud to be your "primary"...I love you