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  #11  
Old 07-11-2013, 07:10 AM
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Arabella Arabella is offline
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Thumbs up Things can work out

I don't have any advice on what you *should* do. However, everything you've been writing could have been written by me about 18 months ago, except for the fact that 18 months ago, I did start a poly relationship with another man anyway.

In our case, we had talked about having casual sex "freedoms," and the first time that I exercised those, the man and I wanted to be boy/girlfriends, and my husband flipped out. Slowly I realized that I've been poly all along, or had been trying to be, in college, etc. He accused me of changing the rules, lying to him, growing apart from him, all that stuff. Went back and forth between being okay with stuff to suddenly being "devastated," and taking it out on me. He just kept saying that if I feel XYZ then I should get a divorce (although he didn't want one, himself.)

I rolled with his mood swings and even compromised with him by curbing the physical intimacy with my boyfriend whenever the husband requested. I would NOT recommend this in general, and I'd NEVER do that again myself, but luckily I had an understanding boyfriend who was happy as long as we didn't lose our friendship that we had had for decades, and also that in the end it worked out for my husband too.

So what ultimately worked for us, was that I got fed up after 12 months of this back and forth and blame and almost demanded that he just meet my boyfriend, to see that he's not such a threat. They did, and the three of us plus a friend of mine went out to a bar to sing karaoke, then the three of us went back to my place, and then two men were so intent on making me happy, we had a lovely little threesome. After that, my husband was suddenly understanding and sorry for all the crap he had put me through (I think there was a little cuckolding fetish going on there for him, too). I accepted a lot of responsibility on my end too, and we renegotiated limits and boundaries.

So again, not saying this is THE way to go, but it worked for us, so I hope that gives you some... well, hope. That things can change. My husband would swear up and down that our marriage was ruined forever and he'll never get back what he lost and he'll always be devastated.... 18 months later, he's happily having to choose between two additional women to date who are both really into him, as well as discussing my love life with me like a best friend would.

It takes time, whatever way that you choose, and I hope that works.
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Arabella - Me, 34, female
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E - Mr. C's wife, 33, female
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  #12  
Old 07-11-2013, 09:38 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Now is the time to build and strengthen the foundation of your marriage by looking inward, voicing concerns, sharing fears, expressing fantasies, and supporting each other through all the rough stuff. Stop having a tantrum because you want what you want when you want it and don't like his response - that won't bode well for either of you. Leave it alone for a bit, focus on and appreciate what you've got right now, be as loving, empathetic, and compassionate as you can, and then come back to talking about it another time. It's a process.
Since divorce is a non-option, this needs to be the approach. In my world I don't see relationships as permanent so if a fundamental difference in worldview comes up the relationship needs to adjust accordingly; that's just the way that it is. If we need to break up that's fine, maybe at some later date our worldviews will have developed so that they are more compatible and we can give it a go at that point. However, if the relationship is viewed as if it needs to be permanent then you [OP] need to take a much more constructive and patient approach to the discussion. Expecting him to do a backflip and yell "yes, please go date... I am now enveloped in compersion!!" might not be reasonable.

No matter if he eventually agrees to 'let' you be who you want to be or if he denies your request, the relationship will not be the same as it was before you brought it up. He knows that you don't have the same expectations from a relationship that he does and that pickle can't be turned back into a cucumber. I'm not telling you it is a bad thing, just that you might benefit from realizing that things are changing and to embrace this reality.
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  #13  
Old 07-12-2013, 12:27 AM
goosegirl goosegirl is offline
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Default Thanks <3

This was actually kind of where my second wall of text (the part that got off from my previous post) was going, so I'm happy y'all are telling me that I need to slow the eff down and stop pushing.

I ended up sending me entire wall of text (I'd saved it, since I couldn't post it all at once) to my husband--he asked to see it--and that turned out to be a lot more constructive (nycindie--actually constructive, I think, not my fake tantrum-constructive) since it removed our ability to get up in each others' faces. We have a select group of mutually agreed-upon close friends that we've informed of our situation; my husband read my post at work and went out with one of them last night to talk it over with a third party. He came home afterward (and he brought me bar chips!), we had a nice talk that kind of solidified what our situation is at the moment and threw around ideas of where we would like it to go. (And then we had some pretty awesome sex.) So the tension, currently, is gone--he knows exactly where I'm coming from thanks to my two hours of typing at 1 AM, and I am going to try my damnedest to shut up and let the man think without my pestering.

Also, Arabella--thanks for your post. I actually read it out loud to my husband... and I had to promise I would never take him and my friend to karaoke. ("What, would he get jealous of my totally awesome singing voice?" "Honey, you don't have a singing voice...")
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  #14  
Old 07-12-2013, 04:06 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Hubby and I were married 15 years when we opened our marriage and I'll tell you right now, we didn't do it the right way. However, hubby is mono and has been supportive and we have done a lot of work to get where we are now, which is a good place! I would most definitely slow down a relationship if he asked me, at least I would hope I've learned not to be so NRE addled that my head isn't too far up my ass to realize that if he's asking he needs the reassurance of me slowing down! It's not about rules so much, or demands he puts on my other relationships so much as learning to go at a speed we all can handle. Honestly, I was totally rush in and just enjoy the ride. It damaged my relationship with hubby and killed the other relationships. Ending horribly, so slowing down, a good thing on all accounts!

Now it's a matter of respect, transparency, and being open. All three of us. However, it did take years. Granted, again, there was emotional infidelity involved for us. Anyway, I thought I would mention things that helped us as far as moving forward. The book Opening Up was good, a lot of people will recommend it, also, take the time to read it together! If that means each of you reads three chapters on your own and then take time to discuss it later, then do that. Trust me, you will read and take things differently! So be sure to discuss it! Try and take ego out of it when you discuss it.

Another thing that helped was the computer! Believe it or not. Talking via IM or email worked wonders. With emails, you have time to sit, think, and draft. That way you can see that sometimes your first reaction is all gut and emotion and could be hurtful, then you have time to absorb, think about what they are saying objectively and THEN replying. Also, I'm a crier and it was easier for him to NOT feel like he was MAKING me cry if he didn't have to see it. He wasn't making me cry, I just cry. Seriously, everything. PBS commercial had me in tears.

Support is important. Not just for you! One of the hardest things hubby has said is that there really isn't anyone for him to talk to! People have some not so great thoughts when they find out a man is 'letting' his wife have other relationships. Or even considering it! They aren't kind. Honestly, I had to actually change therapists at one point because she stated straight out she could NOT tell him that it was anything but abuse for me to have other relationships. That was fun.

There is a poly/mono email list, hubby is on it and I can send you a link privately if you are interested. Fair warning, it fluctuates. Right now there are a fair number of people that are mono dating a poly person, or married to a poly that are honestly there for support and to learn. For awhile, and they still pop up, there were people that sadly were just there because they caught their partner cheating and said partner is NOT poly but telling them they are and to basically suck it up and deal.

Good luck and if you wish you are welcome to message me privately.
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  #15  
Old 07-12-2013, 11:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
There is a poly/mono email list, hubby is on it and I can send you a link privately if you are interested. Fair warning, it fluctuates. Right now there are a fair number of people that are mono dating a poly person, or married to a poly that are honestly there for support and to learn. For awhile, and they still pop up, there were people that sadly were just there because they caught their partner cheating and said partner is NOT poly but telling them they are and to basically suck it up and deal.
Just wanted to second the recommendation on the mailing list, and to also agree with the statement above. This is actually why I joined both lists (the mono-with-poly, and poly-with-mono sister lists). I learned more and had some great discussions on the Poly list at times, just because most (all, I believe) of the folks there were really trying to work on their relationships with their mono partners. I got some good insight there.
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  #16  
Old 07-12-2013, 12:36 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome to the forum.

I read your first few posting and I get the impression your husband understands perfectly. He gets you might be this way and that he that way. And that his view of a marriage is one way....and now yours has changed.

Is Relationship cobbling A good idea .....using romantic partners ?

You said there was no one in the pipeline but you have your eye on a guy in the hall way to the pipeline ....might want to be honest about that
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  #17  
Old 07-12-2013, 02:30 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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What is this "pipeline"? Is it that thing they built so that all the slaves in canada could sneak over into Russia? No wait, i have russia confused with Alaska. The slaves can escape to Mexico. That's what i meant. It's been a while since i heard it on NPR.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 07-12-2013 at 02:31 PM. Reason: AMA. Lol.
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  #18  
Old 07-12-2013, 02:32 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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No no no silly! Slaves are taken in trucks! The pipeline is where they have the super jet speed trains for rich people to be smuggled down to Mexico in style and pick fruit!
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  #19  
Old 07-12-2013, 02:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Default Hitchhiker hitchhiker, wherefore art thou more or less going

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
No no no silly! Slaves are taken in trucks! The pipeline is where they have the super jet speed trains for rich people to be smuggled down to Mexico in style and pick fruit!
There's fruit in mehico? Then what does canada have to do with it? Someone keeps changing the map. I can't wait to get off this planet again.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 07-12-2013 at 02:43 PM.
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  #20  
Old 07-13-2013, 02:26 AM
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Arabella Arabella is offline
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Originally Posted by goosegirl View Post
Also, Arabella--thanks for your post. I actually read it out loud to my husband... and I had to promise I would never take him and my friend to karaoke. ("What, would he get jealous of my totally awesome singing voice?" "Honey, you don't have a singing voice...")
LOL!

Dude, American karaoke is friggin' awesome. Great icebreaker. Everybody sucks at karaoke. I pretend that I don't... but I do.
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~Arabella's Aria~

Arabella - Me, 34, female
DH - Arabella's Husband, 34, male
~
Mr. C. - Arabella's boyfriend, 33, male, married to E
E - Mr. C's wife, 33, female
~
M - Arabella's Boyfriend, 45, male
D2 - DH's girlfriend, 26, female
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