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  #81  
Old 07-11-2013, 10:33 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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How not to rip someone's head off: don't rip their head off.
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  #82  
Old 07-11-2013, 11:22 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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It wouldn't matter to me how much telling your husband that his girlfriend isn't welcome in your house might impact their relationship. It's your house, you should feel safe there and you should also have a say in who comes into your house. Unless people can be respectful and pleasant to everyone who lives in my house they are not welcome here, period. They can make other arrangements to see each other.

You control you and you have the ability to chose who you spend your time with. If you don't want to see her, don't put yourself in situations where she'll be. You can also ask not to hear about her screaming fits anymore as well. Staying away from her seems like a perfectly reasonable boundary. Your husband also has the choice to continue to spend time with her as he sees fit. He must be getting something out of the relationship since they've been together 2 years.

I wouldn't hold my breath for an apology, just move on and put it behind you. The less you worry about it the happier you'll be.
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  #83  
Old 07-11-2013, 11:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalblue View Post
he has a tendency to let people walk over him and I am protective...I am hearing about all of this from my husband
It looks like this is the core problem. He is living his life (as madhouse as it seems to be), telling you all of the gritty details, and you are letting it cause you emotional grief as if it were your life.

It isn't your life, it's his life. If you take it upon yourself to be his bodyguard than you have decided that you *want* the grief which comes with it.

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perhaps telling him that I don't want to hear about their fights anymore is the solution. I worry about not being supportive if I do that
You aren't his therapist and you clearly don't have the ability to emotionally separate yourself from his situation. So again, if you don't tell him that you can't handle it then you are volunteering to be a part of the problem and to carry around the baggage.

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As for the apology - this is admittedly one of my personal issues. I have a thing about there being consequences for bad behavior and it burns me that she gets to be a raging bitch to everyone around her and not get called out on it and gets to just go on as if nothing happened over and over again.
It sounds like this approach to policing humanity is not working out very well for you. Is this an aspect of your personality which you think enriches your life and brings joy and prosperity to yourself and those around you? Is this making your life more enjoyable or less enjoyable?

Requiring that people take action according to your emotional rigidity is not going to promote intimacy or happiness. In my opinion you should look at this as a broken protection mechanism and should see a therapist about how to work on getting over it. It isn't doing anything but hurting you.

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I tend to be a confrontational person though and am very bad at keeping my mouth shut, so any advice on how to not rip her head off the next time I see her?
This heightened sense of resentment is caused by your welcoming the wreckage of someone elses relationship into your life as if it were your own wreckage. Spend less time trying to live other people lives and live your own and I suspect you will find fewer and fewer reasons to want to rip someones head off.
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  #84  
Old 07-11-2013, 11:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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perhaps telling him that I don't want to hear about their fights anymore is the solution. I worry about not being supportive if I do that


Quote:
You aren't his therapist and you clearly don't have the ability to emotionally separate yourself from his situation. So again, if you don't tell him that you can't handle it then you are volunteering to be a part of the problem and to carry around the baggage.
Sometimes the best way to be "supportive" is to butt out. My Spouse does standup comedy and does not want me at their shows (this has nothing to do with the ex also being from that circle of people - this has beenn the case since the day we met, almost) for reasons which make sense to both of us (and frankly, I don't WANT to go to those shows. I know how funny S is. We live together. I get to see "funny" all the time. I don't need to go to their fucking shows. I have other things to do instead), but other people (such as S's siblings) are always saying like, "I wannt to see one of S's shows, do you like them?" And I'm like "Well um... yeah, I like them, but I don't attend them." and they get all "But doesn't S WAAAAAANT your SUPPORT?" Then I have to explain that I support S by NOT going. Couples, Couples, couples. People act like just because you're married, if you're not spending every scrap of spare time together, there must be Trouble in Paradise.
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  #85  
Old 07-11-2013, 11:54 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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Exactly! I don't follow Crux to miners conferences for two reasons. 1) I openly admit the bore the living crap outta me and 2) he gets nervous if I'm there cause he want to impress or some crap like that. That's his thing. We have things together and apart. Your mans woman is his thing, not your at all. Therefore, you are fully in your rights to "butt out" at your discretion.
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  #86  
Old 07-12-2013, 12:17 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Our core group of three has an agreement that no one is welcome in our home-regardless of relationship-unless they treat EVERYONE in the household with respect and kindness. Period.

And-when dealing with a toxic metamour, my first step was to lay out that she wasn't welcome in MY sphere-then, the kids either after she dragged them into things.
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  #87  
Old 07-12-2013, 05:05 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Hmmmm

Here's a twist:

What if the toxic person was an established member of the group? Say, if YOU were the new person, and the wife/established partner was the toxic one? THEN what do you do? You, having less seniority, how do you kick that member out? Should you? How would you even begin to go about that?

My point is, if you and he are established....and she is earning her way in, then, seriously, tell him that she goes. Or say all three of you need to talk things out. Whatever it is that you need to do to make your home secure. It's your right.

Once she's an established member, and has equal rights to you, you're not going to be able to do anything about it.

...also, don't get held up over apologies. They probably won't happen. Your husband should provide you support for this.
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  #88  
Old 07-12-2013, 05:35 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Flowerchild-in our dynamic, who gets seniority is the household (there were four of us adults, now there are three).
No reason except-we live here. Doesn't matter who is or isn't romantically involved with who (not all have been romantically involved).
If someone in the household is being a pita, family meeting time. Period.

But there is no "kicking someone out of hte family". It's a matter of whose IN THE HOME. Because our home is our sanctuary and it needs to remain a sanctuary for all.

There was a year I did not live in it (as the wife) and there was a time Dh didn't live in it. If one can't manage to function to the best interests of the children and other adults in the home-they need to leave until such time as they can.
It doesn't matter who screwed who for how long.
The "seniority" within the household is the kids. Not any one configuration of adults.
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  #89  
Old 07-12-2013, 05:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
You, having less seniority, how do you kick that member out? Should you? How would you even begin to go about that?
That is the nuttiest question I've heard in quite some time. Are you joining a labor union or dating someone?
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  #90  
Old 07-12-2013, 05:53 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I'll kick whoever i want out of my house. There are like, laws and stuff that give me that right. "seniority" and "community" can eat my sweet shorts.

Fortunately, i don't have people over much because i can't stand to be around most of them most of the time.
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