My story, hoping for advice and wisdom from some of you??
I am new to this, and the site so bear with me as I muddle through.
I fell madly in love in 2005 & moved across the country to be with my boyfriend. About a year and a half later we had a child together, a little boy who is turning six this summer.
We broke up in 2009 for a myriad of reasons and went through a lot of hell in life and with each other for a couple of years.
In December of last year, I asked him if he would consider therapy with me. So we could work through our past, perhaps become better friends and therefore better parents to our little boy.
He agreed and we began therapy together soon after, which has gone and is still going phenomenally well.
Soon after therapy started we discovered we had made a lot of assumptions about each others past behavior and feelings for each other. We then began entertaining the idea of dating again.
I realized soon after that through everything we had been through, that I still loved him, and that I never stopped. In December of 2012 we began dating again, knowing very well that we needed to do things differently, because what we did before didnít work. In addition to that, we were also aware that the stakes were much higher as our son is now at an age where he would remember us together and then apart if things were to not work out this time around.
When we started dating again, he was dating another girl. Who was and is poly. She had no problem with him seeing me and I really had no issue with him continuing to see her either. Which was strange for me as historically, I have always been a one man one woman kind of girl.
I realized, then, what love really is, at least for me. It was accepting someone for who they are and giving them the freedom to make their own choices, as well as to pursue their own happiness as long as it isnít harmful to anyone else. I have never loved someone selflessly before. I have ALWAYS wanted my partner to be happy, but WITH me and me alone. It was quite an epihany for me to realize that maybe I couldnít be everything to someone, and that that was okay. It didnít mean I was a failure, which is what I always used to believe.
Fast forward to today and things are going well. We get along better than we ever have, our physical and emotional connections are stronger than ever. We are admittedly in love with each other and planning and committed to a life together and to our family.
All that being said, this whole concept is still new to me. I am not dating anyone else right now, even though I could, but he is. There have been a few casual relationships for him that have come and gone already, and until recently, I have been totally at peace with our situation. He is open and honest with me about everything as he is with his other partners. Recently though, I have started to struggle internally with one of his other relationships, and I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle it. I have wonderful friends, a lot of them know what is going on, and they all say the same thingÖthey just want me to be happy. However, not knowing anyone personally who has ever been in this kind of relationship, I donít really have anyone to turn to when I have issues or insecurities I am trying to work out.
Right now, he is seeing me, and two other girls. One is super casual, and not an issue at all for me. For some reason, the other one, I am having a really hard time with. She has a boyfriend she lives with, and a girlfriend as well. She and my partner have been seeing each other for a while now, and that relationship is definitely progressing. (he is friends with her boyfriend, they both have always been poly from what I understand) They used to get together about once a month, and that is now turning into once or twice a week. When I mentioned to him how I was feeling, his response was to show me a text from her. He was trying to explain to me that I am not the only one who has bouts of insecurity because the text he showed me was her expressing the same concern about losing him. (We live about 45 mins from each other now and in the next month or so, I am moving down the street from him and she is concerned my proximity will affect their current relationship) I understand what he was trying to do, but what he really did was confirm to me, that this relationship at least for her, isnt casual. You donít have those kinds of concerns unless you have an emotional investment in the relationship.
Last weekend, our son was invited to a birthday party of a mutual friends daughter. I was invited, but she was as well. My partner wanted me to come, and I struggled for weeks about it. I even got dressed that morning in the hopes I would be able to go. But when it was time to pack up and head out, I couldnít do it, and I was angry. I was angry that I didnít feel strong enough. I was angry that I bought all these gifts for this little girl and I wouldnít get to see her joy in opening them. I was angry that this other girl was going to get to watch and play with our son. I was angry and dissapointed.
I really want this relationship to work. The only person I love more than this man, is our child. I want us to grow old together, I want us to be in life together. I want to be his rock and vice versa. I just donít know how to deal with these bouts of terror and insecurity and I know if I donít find a way to cope, it will take a toll on our relationship. I donít want that, or to be ruled by fear.
I have done a pretty good job, in my opinion AND according to him on dealing with all of this. He thanks me all the time for being so brave to walk this road with him and tells me how he is only in love with me and that nothing is more important than our family. That no one will screw up our relationship but us.
So, WHY am I struggling so much and with JUST this one girl? I have known and loved this man for almost 10 years, and I believe him 100 percent. I just for the first time, really freak when I think of them together, or of him looking at or touching her the way he does me. I know jealousy is just insecurity, I just donít understand WHY I only have it with this one person???
My biggest fear is that I will continue to be brave enough to walk this road with him and that a month, a year or 10 years from now, one of these external relationships will end ours.
The other thing that I struggle immensely with is the idea of meeting any of these women. I didnít go to that party because I didnít want to smile at this girl. I didnít want to talk to her, or shake her hand. I didnít want to stare and compare myself to her. Part of me wants to be strong enough to do that, and the other part really wonders if the only reason I have been able to handle this so well is because all the relationships are separate. The idea of these worlds colliding scare me to death too, and I am unsure why.
I am sorry for such a long first post, and to anyone who is still reading, I appreciate you taking the time. I guess I am hoping someone else out there has been through or is going through this? I could use all the advice I can get.
Thanks so much everyone.
|advice, insecurities, jealousy, love, rekindled relationships, trauma|