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  #31  
Old 07-11-2013, 10:12 PM
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Arabella Arabella is offline
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Oh, let me chime in here for a second.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
I wonder if maybe she's questioning his judgment in general, in seeing someone who's being dishonest with her husband (OP, please set me straight if I'm wrong). .
To be clear, what I had said to my husband was that I was going to require that he get tested after every sexual encounter with this new woman, or at least, the PIV times, because I didn't trust this new woman with the angry husband and probably broken marriage. I said this more to prove a point, something like, "If I don't trust her now, how else can I protect myself? If you want to do that go ahead, but if you're having PIV sex with ME, then I'm gonna need testing done if you've been with her."

However, I TOTALLY admit this is unnecessarily restrictive and probably a little mean of me. I regret saying this to him, and it wasn't said out of anger, but just trying to logically explain the risk I think I'D be taking because I don't trust who he wants to date.

The last time he dated someone a few months ago, I remarked that because this woman was cheating, I might want to use a condom with my husband again for whatever the 10 day window is for the big diseases plus waiting for the results to come back. He considered this, and said that he didn't want to give up the fluid bond that he and I have, and almost offered to not date, if that were the case. We eventually worked out a way for me to be more comfortable with the risk including meeting the woman, learning more about her marital situation, etc. Not meeting to approve the relationship, of course, just so that I could make my own risk assessment.

We do recognize that condoms don't protect against everything, and for the first 12 months of our poly-ness, my boyfriend was only with his wife (who was sexually monogamous with him) and me, and my husband sexually monogamous with me, so we had kind of a closed poly thing going on, where the fluid bonding and trust issues weren't a problem. (We both have known my boyfriend and his wife for over ten years, and I, even longer - trusting them was an acceptable risk for both of us, and vice-versa.)
~~~~~~~~

Now that things are changing for both of us, my husband and boyfriend (and wife) and I are re-thinking our safety precautions. My husband is totally fine with getting tested in general, but... heh, well I think we can all agree, getting tested before every time he's with me would just be... ridiculous. We're intimate fairly often. It was a little mean of me to suggest it that way, and to be honest, I'm glad some of you have called me out on that.

My husband and I are fluid bonded as pregnancy isn't an issue and like I said, my only other partner was only with me and his wife. However, I did think that was a good point, that someone who was openly poly with many partners might also be a large risk (or that they're both minor risks). We haven't encountered anyone like that yet, so I hadn't considered that. Thank you for pointing that out, london.

My view at the time was that cheaters will be lying in other areas of their life as well, and that was a risk I didn't want to take but this thread is... good food for thought so far. Change is scary to me, so I'm more likely to think of all the bad that could happen in a situation, and my husband more likely to trust people to a fault.
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~Arabella's Aria~

Arabella - Me, 34, female
DH - Arabella's Husband, 34, male
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Mr. C. - Arabella's boyfriend, 33, male, married to E
E - Mr. C's wife, 33, female
~
M - Arabella's Boyfriend, 45, male
D2 - DH's girlfriend, 26, female
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  #32  
Old 07-11-2013, 10:22 PM
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Arabella Arabella is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
That is to say, if this is a real fear of physical harm. Are you scared for your life or is it not a real issue and your husbands temporary happiness is more important?
It's probably more of a knee-jerk reaction than anything else. All I know of the husband is that MY husband says that SHE says that HE's manipulative and controlling and says "mean things" to her. He knows she goes out, and in her words (as heard through the filter of my husband), he PROBABLY suspects she's cheating anyway. It's all pretty vague, and... I panic with ambiguity. So to me, she could be downplaying the fact that he's a psychopath. I guess I just need more info, but until then, I'm concerned about safety. As the other poster suggested, we've agreed to not give out home address and specifics and things like that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
What are the other reasons for your not wanting him to date her?
I guess I meant more to say that I don't like him dating her as a cheating woman in terms of the sexual health of our marriage, and also, I don't like this Angry Husband picture she's painted of him. Really, I suppose that's the same reason, i.e. cheating woman = safety risk on more than one front in my head.
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~Arabella's Aria~

Arabella - Me, 34, female
DH - Arabella's Husband, 34, male
~
Mr. C. - Arabella's boyfriend, 33, male, married to E
E - Mr. C's wife, 33, female
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M - Arabella's Boyfriend, 45, male
D2 - DH's girlfriend, 26, female
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  #33  
Old 07-12-2013, 02:26 AM
tree166 tree166 is offline
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Arabella I'm in complete agreement with you about dating a cheater not being kosher. Honestly the moral implications don't bother me as much as all of the other issues that go with it. Plus, sneaking around is really annoying.

Back in the day, in my first ever poly relationship, I met a dude I really liked who claimed to be in a poly relationship. Being inexperienced I trusted him. He lied. He was living with a woman, they had a child together, and she thought they were monogamous. He wasn't very careful and one day when he came to see me at home she followed him. She read his email. She monitored his cell phone. She used this information to stalk me, my roommate and my boyfriend. She vandalized my home, attempted to intimidate me in public and used her employment with my wireless carrier to get her hands on my financial information and call records. She lost her job over it, obviously, but that wasn't really enough to make me comfortable sleeping at night. I was scared.

So yeah, for me, no cheaters. Period. If my current, live-in partner ever decided that he wanted to have a relationship with a cheater, I would have to remove myself from the situation.
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  #34  
Old 07-12-2013, 04:29 AM
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Arabella Arabella is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tree166 View Post
She used this information to stalk me, my roommate and my boyfriend. She vandalized my home, attempted to intimidate me in public and used her employment with my wireless carrier to get her hands on my financial information and call records. She lost her job over it, obviously, but that wasn't really enough to make me comfortable sleeping at night. I was scared.
Woah! That's terrible! I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Makes me think twice about the guy I'm thinking about seeing as well, to really make sure his wife is for sure poly or at least, on board. I had only been thinking about the Angry Husband scenario, but I forgot how batshit crazy women can get as well. I've done some things I'm not so proud of either when I was cheated on, waaaaaaayyy back in the day, like, decades ago.
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~Arabella's Aria~

Arabella - Me, 34, female
DH - Arabella's Husband, 34, male
~
Mr. C. - Arabella's boyfriend, 33, male, married to E
E - Mr. C's wife, 33, female
~
M - Arabella's Boyfriend, 45, male
D2 - DH's girlfriend, 26, female
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  #35  
Old 07-12-2013, 05:44 AM
london london is offline
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I'm glad you could see my point, Arabella. I think this thread was great, thanks
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