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  #71  
Old 07-03-2013, 03:30 AM
london london is offline
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Agree with Marcus. An independent, healthy adult would not require their partner to trek them who to date.

I've never hated a metamour but I also don't need to have heavily entwined relationships with them so if I did dislike one, just wouldn't see them.
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  #72  
Old 07-11-2013, 07:57 PM
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Default How to handle a toxic metamour

My husband has been in a tumultuous relationship with his girlfriend, "Mary", for almost 2 years (the entire time we've been open). Mary was a friend of ours for a couple of years before they got together and is part of our large social group. Most of the time she is fun, but I think she has PMDD because once a month, like clockwork, she goes crazy (and I say this as a person who dislikes that women get categorized as "crazy" when they are emotional).

I swear, their relationship is like a high school romance they fight so much and do the break up/make up cycle constantly. When she has these crazy periods, she is highly irrational, angry and frustrated and has unreasonable expectations of my husband. To give some examples, we go camping with our group and the first night I had to find someone else to sleep with (just sleep) because she didn't blow up her air mattress and they slept in my and my husbands tent/bed. The next day I told her she needed to blow up her mattress so they could sleep in there and I could sleep in my own bed. She didn't do it and then threw a fit at my husband because she somehow expected him to do it for her (even though she did not ask him to). I mean, a serious fit, throwing stuff and screaming at him in front of everyone. There are several more examples of her doing things like this, from being angry that when they were trying to have a quickie before he had to leave for work he set an alarm (apparently that made her feel undesired), to being pissed off that after being gone on a business trip for two weeks he spent his first night home with me instead of her.

The most recent incident was this weekend where she asked him to do something for her and then lost it when he had a question about how to do it, calling him an idiot and telling him that he was not a man. She even brought me into it saying "no wonder your wife needs someone else" (I have a boyfriend). I am LIVID. Thus far, I have done my best to stay out of their relationship and let my husband deal with it even though the things she does makes my blood boil. I tell him what I think when he asks my opinion, but then I let him do what he thinks is best - which is always to make up with her and then go on as if nothing happened. To make matters worse, she apparently doesn't feel that she needs to apologize for the things she says and does when she's in her crazy time because "that's just how she is and she's not going to apologize for being herself".

At this point, I don't know what to do. I would have broken up with her a long time ago if it were me, but it's not. I told my husband that I felt she owed me an apology for this last outburst because I feel that she disrespected me, him and our relationship, but I was told that asking for that would only make things worse when he's trying to mend it with her and that since it was directed at him, I shouldn't be that upset about it. I told him that made me feel like he is prioritizing her feelings over mine and was told that it was something said in anger and she didn't mean it and if I really felt that way I could ask for an apology but that I'd be making his life more difficult.

So, my questions are - how do I deal with this woman? Right now I'm so angry that I don't want her in my house, but I understand that may be an unreasonable request of my husband. Also, am I out of line for wanting an apology? I just don't understand why he keeps going back and am wondering whether I should pull a veto. I'm not normally in favor of vetoes but I'm starting to feel like she is seriously toxic and I don't know that I want her in my life any longer. I could use some non biased opinions here.
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  #73  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:02 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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I think u are justified in demanding an apology.
She has been disrespectful of the sanctity of your M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E.

You are married to him. IMHO, and only opinion, I think, from what you've said here that the three of you might need to sit down and discuss why she's saying things like this, how she treats him, and why it bothers you.
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  #74  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:10 PM
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I think it would be fair and reasonable for you to say "look. This is my home and i need some space from you/her. Until further notice could you two hang out at her place, or wherever you want, unless you know i'll be gone the whole time."

Don't say it like a question. Say it like you already decided and this is how it has to be. Say it calmly and with a slightly pained expression on your face as though you banged your head on a kitchen cabinet someone left open, but didn't hurt yourself seriously, but got startled by the sudden unexpected painful bump, but you're relieved that you're not bleeding. That way it won't come across as confrontational. If you want to PM me, i'll give you my cell phone number and act out the exact tone of voice i'm trying to describe.
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  #75  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:12 PM
london london is offline
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I think you are completely justified in wanting this crazy lady away from you. I think that the only thing you can do right now is set firm boundaries about socialising with her and him discussing their relationship with you, so you don't have to deal with her. He obviously likes this kind of crazy, and calling a veto will be a bad move. However, if the boundary thing doesn't work, you can absolutely reasonably say that you cannot have this affecting your life and can no longer allow yourself to be subjected to this drama and say that you will have to remove yourself from the situation if it is set to continue. That is effectively a veto, an ultimatum, but you shouldn't have to put up with this. Make that your last straw and try putting in strict boundaries about her sharing physical and/or emotional space with you.
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  #76  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:44 PM
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There's a huge difference between telling someone that you don't want them to socialize with someone else, and telling them that YOU want nothing to do with that other person. Your life, your choice - you're not dictating his life, except for where it intersects with yours.

Luckily for you, I can't draw Venn diagrams on this forum, or it'd get real geeky real fast.
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  #77  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:51 PM
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Malfunktions Malfunktions is offline
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That would be an asset in most posts tho!

But seriously, you're being hampered by this activity as well and it doesn't make for a smooth and loving environment even when she's not around. She is putting stress on you through him and he should be willingly thinking of how you are affected too.
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  #78  
Old 07-11-2013, 08:59 PM
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I would calmly explain that you love him but you can not have this woman in your life. That he is free to continue the relationship but without your presence or advice.
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  #79  
Old 07-11-2013, 09:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalblue View Post
She even brought me into it saying "no wonder your wife needs someone else"
Just so I am clear, are these discussions (this one in particular) happening in front of you or within ear shot? Or is this information being conveyed by your partner to you?

If your husband is telling you this stuff and it is damaging your calm then tell him you don't want to hear about their fights anymore. Let him know that it stresses you out and that you don't want that yucky crap in your life.

If these fights are happening in front of you they sound like they need a hose run on them. I agree with whoever said it previously, you should let your husband know that you don't want her in your life when she's in batshit crazy mode. There is no reason... NO REASON to allow some toxic crazy person to have negative impact on you. Nip that in the bud, let him know that while he is fully within his right to date a nutjob that YOU aren't dating her so why should you have to deal with her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalblue View Post
"that's just how she is and she's not going to apologize for being herself". Also, am I out of line for wanting an apology?
Is an apology really what is needed in this situation? In my opinion you need to let this idea go entirely. She sounds like she's out of her mind and loving every minute of it... I assure you that her making some forced apology is not going to make you feel any better. All you are doing by continuing to focus on it is make yourself look petty.

Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalblue View Post
I just don't understand why he keeps going back and am wondering whether I should pull a veto
Do you have that kind of authority over your husband? I would suggest focusing on your life and making the changes required and let him live his life. Your super-focusing on them and what they are doing doesn't seem to be bringing you a lot of joy... right? Maybe you should stop doing the things which are demonstrably not working.

All of this hysterical drama aside, there is another issue here which I've spoken to IV about in the past. The idea that, if your partner is dating someone who you find useless, idiotic, crazy, or whatever negative trait, does that impact how you view your relationship with them? If IV were dating some drama nugget who throws things (literally) and shouts about what she's not giving them that would say something about IV. Sooner or later I would be forced to reevaluate who I think she is and where she fits in to my life. Maybe I wouldn't make any notable changes but I would have to ask myself the question.

Just something to think about.
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  #80  
Old 07-11-2013, 10:25 PM
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naturalblue naturalblue is offline
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Thank you for all of your input.

The reason I feel that my desire to not have her in my house may be unreasonable is that one of the things that they are working on is the discrepancy in the effort that each of them puts in to see the other. She lives an hour and a half away and my husband does the vast majority of the driving to see her. So, as part of their new agreement, she has to come up here more often to make it more equitable. As much as I don't want her around, I worry that putting that restriction hampers their efforts to fix their relationship, if I'm not going to veto it.

Marcus, we do have veto power but I would prefer not to do it. I'm generally of the opinion that he is an adult and can do what he wants but at the same time, he has a tendency to let people walk over him and I am protective.

I am hearing about all of this from my husband, so perhaps telling him that I don't want to hear about their fights anymore is the solution. I worry about not being supportive if I do that, but I know I am not going to be able to hold my tongue if I have to keep hearing about it.

As for the apology - this is admittedly one of my personal issues. I have a thing about there being consequences for bad behavior and it burns me that she gets to be a raging bitch to everyone around her and not get called out on it and gets to just go on as if nothing happened over and over again. It's one of the reasons why I asked if I'm out of line, because I definitely have a thing about requiring an apology when I feel that I have been wronged. I haven't spoken to my brother in 7 years because he was a complete ass to me and my mom and never apologized. So, I can recognize that I'm extreme when it comes to that.

I guess I'll just have to avoid her as much as possible, although I won't be able to completely since we run in the same close knit social group. I tend to be a confrontational person though and am very bad at keeping my mouth shut, so any advice on how to not rip her head off the next time I see her?
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