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Old 02-01-2010, 02:33 AM
Eramie Eramie is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1

You can just call me Eramie. I'm a 25 year old, married for almost four years. My husband and I are in a polyamorous relationship, or at least that how we're defining it. Our adventure started last year when I met another guy I really wanted to date; my husband and I talked and agreed that this would be okay and that he was welcome to date other women. That relationship didn't work out and I am currently looking for a new g/f or b/f. I'm having a lot of trouble in this area, as I've met guys who are only interested in "hooking up" and I don't have the most experience with relationships with girls (although I am open to the idea).

I've sought out this forum as I think my relationship with my husband is having some issues as far as the polyamory goes. I don't think this is something we've entered into because our marriage is failing; in fact, we've been much happier knowing that dating others is an option. As each new situation and conflict arises, we try to talk about it and make rules and amend those rules if necessary. But some things have come up and I feel the need to talk to people with poly experience about what's going on, and I don't have any poly friends in real life that I feel comfortable talking to about this.

See you around the forums,

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Old 02-01-2010, 02:45 AM
InLoveInAGreenLand InLoveInAGreenLand is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Not far from the lake between
Posts: 2
Default navigating mid-life

Hi. For the usual reasons I'm not able to share my real name. Feel free to call me Landlover or anything else that seems to fit.

I'm in my mid 40s and live in a small college town with my wife of 20 years and our two teenagers and other animals. In recent months, my wife (I'll call her E) has identified increasingly with polyamory, and I'm trying to understand where this might take us. It think it is important to mention here that I've always had a stronger sex drive than E has. And, there have been phases of our marriage when my sex drive and E's sometimes-diminished health made the idea of outside-of-marriage activities like swinging seem (at least to me) appealing. But, we never actually engaged in those activities.

Ever since she was in high school, E has wondered why it shouldn't be possible to have deep feelings for more than one person. Despite the aforementioned issues regarding sex and extra-marital flings, however, I hadn't truly recognized this in her. This past summer, after a fairly difficult period in our lives (although not necessarily because of it), E developed a close online relationship with man I will call M. It wasn't at all an affair that developed behind my back. But, it did become intense in a short period of time, and while on an intellectual level I wanted badly to be supportive, on an emotional level it was a definite strain. Scratch that: I felt really, really vulnerable.

Things between E and M have scaled back a bit, yet they stay in touch and remain friends. The change was due at least in part to M's wife, who originally was on board but then asked M to reconsider when the intensity of the bond became clearer to her. No doubt I, too, influenced the relationship by showing E my emotional discomfort. Fortunately--and I do mean fortunately, because E's happiness is incredibly important to me--I am becoming more and more comfortable as time goes by.

Since December, E and I have been in couples counseling to work on some of the disfunctional things that have cropped up in our marriage and to address the issue of outside relationships. We are righting past wrongs and spending time reading and talking about polyamory. I'm (re)learning that there is no point in me telling her she shouldn't have a certain person as a friend or as a certain type of friend. On the other hand, we both need to be completely honest with each other. For that reason I've mentioned to E that if we do make polyamory part of our lives together, I'm likely to be more comfortable with the arrangement if I don't feel threatened as 'primary.' She dislikes the primary label, since by definition it implies inferior status for everyone else. My response is that I'd rather she not get hung up on a word; the idea is what is important.

That said, I suspect I might attach less significance to being primary if we _both_ had objects of affection outside the marriage. A part of me is jealous of E for having one while I do not. I'm certainly open to the possibility--if it can happen in a way that enhances rather than detracts from what E and I have. But I have doubts I could successfully explain the workings of my marriage without scaring most sane women away.

I'm gathering that there are people in this forum who can offer advice and/or perspective on all these issues. I look forward to 'meeting' you and learning from you.

I'll close this post by mentioning that I don't know if E will join me in posting in the forum. We've both been active posters in a somewhat related forum on a different site, so it is a possibility.
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Old 02-14-2010, 04:57 AM
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classycaveman classycaveman is offline
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 82

Ancient History

Hi all, I'm 30, mostly straight, living in Winnipeg, Canada. I was raised in a deeply Christian home and tried my best to live as an obedient child of God. When I was 22, I got married to a girl who was funny, very intelligent, and really 'got me' in a way that others didn't. I wasn't physically attracted to her, but I was convinced (thank you, political correctness movement!) that looks didn't matter and it was only what's on the inside that counted. I suppose I also had self-esteem issues and didn't think that attractive girls found me attractive.

Well about 9 months later a couple attractive girls found me attractive, and suddenly there were problems, or rather, the problems that weren't problems before, suddenly became problems, and I left. I won't go into detail about that except to say that I know now that what I want matters. I think I was raised with a lot of pressure to keep everyone else happy at the expense of my own happiness. I still end up in situations where I feel I'm giving too much of myself. I think I also sometimes overcompensate for that and do what I want without consideration for others. I'm still trying to learn the right balance.

The next 6 years were full of fun, short but sweet NRE dominated relationships, (partly due to a lot of moving around the country on my part) all mono, except for the odd time that they might overlap without anyone knowing.

Recent History

Two years ago I decided that it was time I found a good gal to settle down with, and after a few exhausting months of about 30 first dates, met S, a beautiful 28 year old virgin with an eating disorder and a heart of gold. My parents even liked her. We dated for almost a year before I got bored, or she got too clingy... whatever you want to call it. I told her I wanted to sleep with other women. So we split up, and each started meeting new people, and sometimes got back together for a night or two. Around this time I started thinking that polyamory was the only way I would be able to stay with a partner and be satisfied.

Soon I met H: 20, blonde, beautiful, cold and quiet, the kind of girl you just assume is a total bitch. She wasn't, but she liked that people thought she was. I started seeing her almost every night. We both claimed that our relationship was only casual, but it was obvious that there was a little more to it than that.

I would still see S once in a while, telling myself that technically me and H were only casual so it was ok, but didn't tell H, because I thought it would upset her. Eventually I did tell H, who was annoyed at my selective openness, but assured me that we had agreed our relationship was only casual, and that she had already suspected S had been over... (S had left a hair tie on my windowsill one day. I actually noticed it after H had already been over the next night, but decided to leave it, figuring that moving it would be more suspicious.)

So, feeling a little sheepish, but with nothing left to hide, I started seeing S more regularly, and soon I had two casual girlfriends, who I would spend alternate nights with. I have to admit, I was quite proud of myself. But neither of them was happy about sharing. This was frustrating for me. They were both smart, funny, beautiful girls and I thought for sure they would get along if they met, and I hoped that I could help them to appreciate the other's presence in my life.

One night, I got my chance. They met, they got along, and I spent the night as an elated middle spoon in a very warm bed! Nothing sexual happened, just kissing, but it appeared that things might progress. Unfortunately...

I wish I'd known then how important communication is in a situation like this. Both had preconceived notions about what was going to happen that night. The girls had a private discussion that I wasn't privy too and made a deal that I didn't know about, then I managed to sabotage their deal and S ended up crying on the phone to me later the next day. I panicked, thinking my only option was to choose one of the two, and I chose S.

H was obviously pissed, because she really hadn't done anything wrong.

I told S I wanted to have an open relationship with her, and she reluctantly agreed to try it. Over the next couple months, I slept with one other girl, a couple times, but never told S about it. S broke it off anyways, saying she wanted a partner that would be monogamous.

I still sleep with S about once every week or two, and we still love each other, and sometimes we talk about buying a house and living in it as friends... who occasionally sleep together... every night... except when I have another girl over, and/or until she finds a guy she wants to date, at which point I would get cut off. I'm not sure I like that arrangement, it doesn't seem ideal for anyone, but I do love S and would love to convert her to polyamory if it's possible, so I'm not sure what we'll do there.

My Philosophy

As I said before, I started out as a Christian, going to church every Sunday, playing drums in the worship team, taking the Bible to be literal truth, losing my virginity at 20 and feeling a little guilty about it because I wasn't married to the girl yet. I remember the first time I had any thoughts that something might be wrong with how I was raised. I was in grade 6 and told my friends that God made everything in 6 days and that the Big Bang was a ridiculous theory, after which one told me about the background radiation (I was in the gifted class) that pointed to a Big Bang. I was confused and embarrassed, and was sure to ask my dad, a Baptist minister, about it when I got home... The unlearning continued slowly from there, but I was still going to church regularly until a few years after my divorce.

This past summer after a number of years on the agnostic fence, I placed one foot firmly in the atheist camp. If I had to guess as to what the truth about God and the Universe is, I would say that there is no God, that He/it was created by humans to give meaning and purpose to our lives. That we are the effect of some rational cosmic cause, as much as the formation of a star or the rotting of an apple. That life has no purpose beyond reproduction. That consciousness is one of the most incredible illusions that non-sentient matter has come up with. That there is no absolute morality.

You might call me nihilist, or humanist, ... I'm not sure what the right label would be, if there is one. I am in the process of determining my own morality at this point. I'm not bound by the rules of any culture or subculture anymore. It's wonderful to have this freedom. And it means I can be unapologetic about wanting to be polyamorous, or bisexual, or atheist. (thinking about my parents here, mostly.)

So anyway, that's where I am, where I come from, and who knows where I'm going. I've been on this forum for only a couple days but I'm loving it. So many good intelligent people in these forums. Thank you for sharing your time with me.
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Old 02-14-2010, 09:08 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139
Talking Glad to be here!

I'm Saudade, 23/F/Boston, and though I'm pretty 'out' I'll keep my real name off the internet as a precaution.

Past: In retrospect, it's obvious I've been poly my entire life. My barbies all lived in a tribe, typically as nudists (though that might just have been because their clothes were frustrating to take on and off!). I've always been fascinated by the idea of 'utopia', and was always unbelievably pleased at the whiffs I'd catch of polyamorous ideals, whether it was the idea of a team of superheroes or the existence of the Oneida community. Meanwhile, my parents divorced when I was in elementary school, which complicated my ideas about real world relationships in more ways than I ought to write about here.

All this came together in a spectacular mess of high school and college relationships. In the former, I still had no idea that poly existed, but always found myself in emotional relationships that resembled traditional poly patterns for awhile, but subsequently exploded in conventional high school angst. I discovered that poly existed right as I was starting college (thanks, internet!)-- two years into a monogamous relationship with a highly jealous boyfriend. We spent the next three years making each other miserable (along with everyone around us), because neither of us functioned at all in the other's desired relationship format. This produced a lot of emotional damage on both sides.

Just before my senior year of college, I finally told him that it was never going to work and we needed to break it off. I then got together with K, a move I had been avoiding for a couple years out of respect for that boyfriend's feelings. K is poly, which he attributes to reading Heinlein in middle school. He read Stranger in a Strange Land as a bedtime story to me when we first started dating, and my life finally felt like it made sense, because I wasn't fighting with anyone just to be myself anymore.

Present: I have two life-partners, K and Z (both male). About the only time I think labels are useful is as a shorthand for explaining ourselves to each other; it's easy for me to say that they're both my primaries and we're in a V formation. As I mentioned above, K is a lifetime poly devotee. He and I have been dating for two and a half years, and will be marrying legally this coming fall. Z and I began as friends with benefits a year ago today(!), and he first heard of poly as a term from me, and shifted quickly and happily into being life partners. He and I are planning on having a wedding without legal benefits in a couple of years.

Edit on 3/21: Z just got an account on here as "twig". Be sure to say hi! K still doesn't have an account, and isn't likely to get one.

The three of us co-house with half a dozen other people in a giant townhouse in Boston. (Z was actually planning to move in with us before we started dating!) Right now I'm pursuing a few people as friends with benefits and feeling open to those relationships changing as they may. K is not actively seeking other relationships but would be pleased if they fell into his lap. Z is grappling with his feelings, as poly is still fairly new to him, and pursuing a poly chick who might be a good girlfriend for him and friend for us (though that's going far more rockily than I'd like).

Not sure how we managed it, but we're all fairly out. Of our parents and siblings, K's mother is the only one who may not know, and we're not actually sure about her! (My family has been wildly supportive, K's family has had mixed reactions, and Z's has been concerned/hostile.) All of our friends know, save some of K's and my friends from high school who we never see anymore. I've even told a bunch of my coworkers, though admittedly only the ones I felt certain I'd get a positive reaction from.

Edit on 2/22/10: My on-and-off girlfriend/dom is officially back in the picture romantically (we bounce between being friends and being more than friends a lot), and I'm thrilled. Though technically the label "secondary" would define us, we prefer going by "girlfriends from the waist up" these days!

Edit on 3/21/10: The world is actually way more complicated than that... My romantic life is at the point where I feel compelled to diagram it.

The rest of my life: I teach preschool. I write fanfiction (Firefly, Star Trek, House, Utena-- private message me if you want a link, or just to chat) and cut socks up so I can sew them into terrifying stuffed animals. I flirt with BDSM, emphasis on the submission. I read Laurell K Hamilton's books and feel schadenfreude, which proves I need to grow emotionally!

Last edited by saudade; 03-22-2010 at 12:33 AM.
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Old 02-25-2010, 01:04 AM
curiousemma curiousemma is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1

Hello, we are Emma (25, F) and Jo (28, M), a committed monogamous couple who've been together for a little over a year who are interested in polyamory.

We live in SE Virginia, and are interested in learning more about the poly lifestyle and practical logistics of it all. Our long term vision is to find another woman who we can add to our relationship as an equal committed partner.
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Old 03-04-2010, 02:57 AM
prolly prolly is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Phoenix, Az
Posts: 1
Default Hello, everyone!

Glad to be here- hope I'm doing this right!

10 years married, adore my husband.
5 years poly, give or take.
4 partner attempts.
2 disasters, 2 sucesses.
attempt #1 - disaster: I fell in love with her. 4 months later, she left.
attempt #2 - disaster: she fell in love with him. near catastrophe. 8 months of total hell. almost destroyed my marraige.
attempt #3 - success! he's lovely, and i visit frequently, though the sex has cooled to a calm, romantic friendship. (current partner)
attempt #4 -success! she's a lovely swinger who visits, we play, she goes home. new relationship. (current partner)
we are not open about our relationship at this time. neither one of us want the drama from church or family.

:::sigh::: this isn't the marraige I signed up for- but it's better than that one would have been- though much more complex. It's also WAY healthier than most of the marraiges I see- I wish there were some numbers on how many poly relationships are out there- because I don't think monogamy makes any sense whatsoever. I seriously think polyamory or some version of it might save the american marraige. I dunno - ever the optomist.

Best wishes, prolly
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Old 03-09-2010, 05:55 AM
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RickPlus RickPlus is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 53

2010, March 8th.

Hi Everyone,
I'm a male and married to a wonderful woman 15 years. We were poly-open (non-practicing) from the wedding night onward. (We could have outside relationships - needed the OK of the other partner.) But neither of us seriously tried to connect to anyone during that time.

We both grew up with science fiction and that has made the idea of polyamory a lot easier for both of us. We know a lot of poly families thru the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) and Science Fiction fandom as well as some 'normal' poly folks.

For a variety of reasons, it seems time to open up our marriage which is the most scary and exciting thing that has happened to us for a long time. We are dating for the first time in almost 20 years. Also dating as a couple is a bit different. :-)

I'm thinking of writing a blog, but until I have something to report, not much point.

Warm regards, everyone. Rick
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Old 03-12-2010, 02:22 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145

Hello, I'm Don. Eugene, Oregon; 54 year old. I'm "dating" (silly word) a woman who's in a very stable and beautiful polyamorous marriage. I adore her, I like and admire her husband, and we have a strong relationship emotionally, intellectually, and physically. We could never live together -- our lifestyle needs are too different -- but we absolutely click as lovers.

I see her once a week, a boundary I respect (we talk on the phone almost nightly, however). That leaves me wanting companionship on the six days between our meetings, and so I'm finding out how to connect with women who are in parallel situations.

I'm not very interested in the casual-sex scene; emotional connections and meaningful relationships are what matter to me. At the same time, I love living alone and don't see myself wanting a monogamous marriage or live-in. So polyamory is a good fit for me psychologically and behaviorally.
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Old 03-15-2010, 01:10 AM
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Zanie Zanie is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 14

Hello, all, I'm Zanie. Although I'm a little more "out" than is probably a truly good idea, I think I'll keep my real name to myself for now.

I'm married (25 years this summer). We've been poly (mostly theoretically poly) for four years or so. In that time I have had two short-lived relationships (less than six months each) and my husband has had one, equally short. My last relationship ended two years ago when my friend moved halfway across the country and I realized I was not cut out for LDR's.

We've been in kind of a holding pattern ever since, working a lot on our own relationship, dealing with changing some old habits and dynamics. We have two kids (16 and 12) who take up a lot of our time and resources and it's hard to get out and meet people (or even have a regular old social life ).

I would like to "get out more"; it would be nice to date, or be able to have the kind of friend-to-lover connections that I envisioned when we started talking about this four years ago. My idea of the perfect intersection of poly and my life is an interconnected tribe of lovers and friends, social connections into friendship into romance and sex into tribe. All connected, all intertwined.... For various reasons I think it's unlikely that will ever happen, but it's a nice dream.

I wandered over here from Polyamorous Percolations, after following a link on some else's profile. I used to write a column over on the Percolator, in the beginning of our poly explorations, but that was a long time ago.

I may not post much, I tend to lurk a lot. I have a feeling that I don't come across the same online as I do in real life and that makes me cautious about being too forward. But if it seems I have something useful to contribute I probably will.

Anyway, hi...
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Old 03-17-2010, 04:47 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

Well…..I am 52 and have never been married. I lived a polyamorous lifestyle from the age of 21 to 30 which included being emotionally and sexually involved with men and women. Then, I was in a 12 year monogamous relationship with a woman and it was the longest committed, exclusive relationship I have ever been in. It was emotionally healthy since we were both in recovery and were able to practice great honesty. My years of therapy and honesty with self resulted in my eventually leaving the relationship 10 years ago in order to pursue a heterosexual lifestyle.

I have had 7 monogamous relationships with men in the 10 years since then. One of them has passed away. I have no communication with one of them. I have a platonic friendship with one of them. And the other 4 of them are now my lovers. Two of them are not seeing anyone else at this time, but they have the freedom to do so and they will share with me and probably want to introduce me to a person they have met and are considering becoming involved with. One of them has another lover and I will eventually meet her if their relationship develops. The other one has a primary lover and I am his secondary lover. I am pretty close to his primary lover and we have a good relationship too. I also have a female lover and she is someone I also respect and trust. We have an emotional connection. We have not been alone together sexually yet, but have had an intimate evening which became sexual and we were with a guy friend that I introduced her to.

The process has evolved for me and since May 09, I have experienced an incredible amount of what I experience as unconditional love. I am in awe of how it feels since this type of unconditional love has eluded me as long as I pursued monogamous relationships. My lovers are basking in it. It is a tangible and powerful force which flows through me to them and it's about loving them, each of them in a unique way, and accepting them completely for exactly who they are without any desire to change them, judge them or hold out expectations of them which they cannot meet. I have a great amount of respect for each of them and I trust each of them completely. The open channel of love from me to them has allowed them to respond to me with incredible love and it's a love that I have also never experienced before.

I don't know where things are going for me. But, this I do know- all of my lovers know each other and they all like each other. My relationships are based on respect, trust and honesty. Many of my friends who are not living a life of polyamory are quite taken with the idea of it and have been very supportive of me. The thing that is so compelling about it is the honesty.
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