Originally Posted by london
What I understand is that you were not getting your needs met so you decided that you would check his phone to see if he was meeting other people's needs while ignoring yours. That is a lack of trust. You had the belief that your partner may be ignoring your needs whilst actively meeting the needs of others. That would be a shitty thing for a partner to do and you obviously think there is the possibility of your partner being shitty. If you believe that your partner would intentionally, almost maliciously be shitty towards you by disregarding your needs, then no, I strongly believe that the key things that are needed in a healthy relationship are missing.
The next thing you talk about is how okay you are about him fucking a guy, but you seem to think that if he has changed his mind from your last "how bi are you" check, he has to tell you first. If he doesn't have to tell you when he is pursuing a woman, he shouldn't have to tell you if/when he is pursuing a guy. Or does he have to check with you every time he hits on someone? Do you have different rules for men and women?
I'm sorry if you were expecting "awwww, you were totally justified in checking his phone, you have every right to know what he is doing with whom. How dare he hit on a guy without first clearing his bi curiosity with you." Maybe the next poster will give you that.
I wasn't actually expecting that response. It was helpful for me to write it down and make sense of what was bothering me. I feel like I mentioned specifically that I DON'T feel justified checking his phone - I said multiple times that what I was doing was super, super shitty. I had a moment of weakness, that isn't justified, yes it's wrong. I think it's a bit of a jump to say that this moment of weakness and mistrust means our whole relationship is ruined and there is no trust at all and I'm a horrible girlfriend who is incapable of trusting him and I should just let this poor man free. Maybe a little bit of an overemphasis, but that's how I took your advice. And I think it's a little unfair.
So, as for the other point, I tried to make this clear but I don't know that I did a great job of it. I am totally ok with him fucking guys. I do not ask for him to check in, he doesn't need my permission. He hits on lots of people without telling me, I don't require him to, that's not how our relationship works. I don't feel he needs to run it past me - it is more that it seems like a really big development in his sexuality, and while he doesn't have to share it with me, I feel like our emotional intimacy is a little waning in that he doesn't seem to want to talk to me about it. Which he doesn't have to, it's not an obligation. It's nothing more than me feeling a little bummed that he doesn't want to share what's going on in his world with me. There is a big difference between requiring him to check in (which I don't) with feeling like whereas we could once tell each other all kinds of things, we now can't. If that's where it's going, that's fine. I have every right to be a little sad about it.
Look, I know you are trying to stand up for people being snooped on. Again, I know how shitty that was, and it was a one time thing - I'm not keeping tabs on him or anything. At the same time, I feel like you could be a little more sensitive in your responses, especially when you don't really fully understand the situation. It kind of boggles my mind that you would tell someone (seemingly vindictively) that they should break up with their partner of over a decade because they slipped and checked their phone one day. Reading too much into people's relationships without all the details can cause you to say some pretty hurtful things.