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Old 07-10-2013, 02:23 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Basically the reason why most members here point these things out to people is not to judge them or say they've been offended, but to help them look at any thinking, mindset, prejudices, beliefs, expectations, etc., that may be behind how an idea is expressed. It's not about wording things "correctly" to please us or anyone else - other forum posters are not grading you on your language. What a lot of folks fail to recognize is that pointing things like this out and letting one know how the words that are chosen affect others, is meant to be helpful information so that someone can be successful moving forward -- this kind of feedback is not just a criticism.

For example, if you read many stories here from women who have been in triads that bombed, you will see how the prevalence of a "we" mindset really made them feel like they were valued less than the core, pre-existing couple because everything was "us and her" rather than him and her and her. That is a lot for an individual to be up against in a relationship every day. In reality, triads, quads and other multiple-partner relationships are all dyads, and it behooves everyone to stop thinking of a triad in terms of a "couple plus one." Language is pointed out to newbies only as something to be watchful and cautious about, so that one can see where any bumps in the road might come up. I appreciate that you've taken all this in a positive light, and as something to examine and be aware of. Awareness is key!
The bolded parts are the two key points. So many times people get their pants in a twist because they perceive this as "group-think". It is in fact the OPPOSITE of "group-think" - it's "self-think". It isn't about how the world perceives you, it's about how you perceive the world around you, and inside your head.
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