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  #21  
Old 01-31-2010, 04:31 PM
Tseras Tseras is offline
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Default We've decided to go Poly - what next?

Let me tell you about myself first: I've always known that I'm poly, though due to various life circumstances I didn't start properly dating until after I left my teens. I'm 21 now, and am currently dating my first "real" girlfriend. We've been together for about 3 months now, and have bonded really well in that time. (it was a rather fast paced relationship and by now it feels as if we've known each other for years)

When we first started dating I thought that she wouldn't be too keen on being poly, so I thought I'd be able to sublime that part of myself and just be satisfied with what I've got. However as we got to know each other I found out that she was bisexual and was rather interested in the idea of bringing another girl into our relationship (Or a guy - I'm bi too).

While this is pretty much exactly what I wanted, the problem I have right now is that I'm simply not certain of how to go on about it from here onwards. As I've said my experience with dating is limited as it is, and I am rather confounded as to how I would go about finding another partner who would be interested in joining us.

I would like to hear your thoughts and comments on this!
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  #22  
Old 01-31-2010, 05:00 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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tseras, first off - welcome to the forum! Hope you find some good conversations and maybe friends here.

You asked how to meet other people that may be compatible with your lovestyle. Well, in the same way that monogamous dating can go, there are many different ways, and finding one that suits you and your partner is key.

Some like the online dating world - http://www.OKCUpid.com/ is a free dating site that, while it isn't poly-only, it is very poly-friendly, in that it allows you to mark yourself as in a relationship and wanting a relationship (which most other dating sites don't). Others like http://www.polymatchmaker.com/ but I have no experience with that site so can't say much about it.

If the online search isn't your bag, then I would recommend looking for other poly folk that live close to you. You haven't said where you live, but there are many social networking groups around - that's a great way to get to know other people who self-identify as polyamorous in a social setting - they usually aren't "dating pools" but it significantly increases your chances of finding people that at least are willing to entertain non-monogamous relationships. I have had very good experiences with this and have made many local friends, which surprised me, because the area I live in is quite conservative.

If you are interested in local resources and are willing to give us an idea of where you live, we may be able to find something for you. http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html isn't a bad start, but it is a little out-dated.

I wish you luck on your search.
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  #23  
Old 05-01-2010, 01:39 PM
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southerndreams southerndreams is offline
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Default trying to find a second partner

this is mostly just me ranting but feedback is always welcome. I met D through online dating and he turned out great. He asked me when I was going to find a second partner. I'm looking. I really am. I find myself explaining the whole poly thing and only one guy has been willing to continue to talk. So I met up with this guy last night. we'll call him Donkey from now on. I start asking him questions and notice that he hasn't responded in kind. I ask about it. Donkey only asked me out because he thinks I'm damn hot and knows D won't mind if he fucks me. Now I'm ok with a fuck buddy but this pissed me off as all my other FB have at least taken a small interest in me. I tried really hard to explain to him that this isn't just about sex but he wasn't hearing it. I finally just left. I'm frustrated and I just want another nice person.
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  #24  
Old 05-01-2010, 02:10 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Society is use to having lots of rules of thumb. A common one is that polyamory or bisexual or nonmonogamous means that you will sleep with anyone. I think over time, this perception will change. But I think we have to be aware that we are easily judged this way.
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  #25  
Old 05-01-2010, 02:17 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southerndreams View Post
I'm frustrated and I just want another nice person.

Why not just enjoy the nice person that you have for now and let whatever happens happen? Why are you looking for another partner just because your current "nice partner" said so? If I were you, I'd be glad I found ONE nice person and I'd spend my time and energy connecting with and getting to know the partner that exists rather than spending energy being "frustrated" about some asshole that just wanted free sex. It's about quality, not quantity. A bird in hand is worth two in bush... etc.
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  #26  
Old 05-01-2010, 02:18 PM
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southerndreams southerndreams is offline
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I'm used to be being wrongly judged as I am also bi. it just pisses me off that people see that instead of what truly is. I think what pissed me off most is that he treated me as an object. I have a name and feelings and thoughts. The quickest way to get me into bed is to explore those things first. I think being more open about my lifestyle choices is helping me see that not everyone is as good as I first think. it just takes some getting used to.
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  #27  
Old 05-01-2010, 02:28 PM
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southerndreams southerndreams is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Why not just enjoy the nice person that you have for now and let whatever happens happen? Why are you looking for another partner just because your current "nice partner" said so? If I were you, I'd be glad I found ONE nice person and I'd spend my time and energy connecting with and getting to know the partner that exists rather than spending energy being "frustrated" about some asshole that just wanted free sex. It's about quality, not quantity. A bird in hand is worth two in bush... etc.
I am happy with D and he brought it up in a conversation that I started about seeing other people. I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on him to be something he's not. I'm not sure if I can explain it well enough without rambling. You have a very good point though YGirl. I need to work on one relationship at a time. I did really like Donkey until he pulled that. Just have to explore the strange feelings and figure out where to go from there
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  #28  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:57 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I remember dating a million guys that thought that and unfortunately I let a few of them fuck me. It made me feel like an object and I set my self worth on that. That seems to be a lot of what dating is, especially when one is older and looking for love on dating sights.

Good for you for just leaving. I wish I had a few times... I was easily led and I consider myself a smart cookie... the trouble is that when I wanted attention and appreciation I let my trust of peoples good intentions get the better of me. Fortunately I found a community to discuss these things with and lovers that do give me attention and appreciation and have restored the values I hold so dear when it comes to sex and love.
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  #29  
Old 05-05-2010, 05:57 PM
lovemaggy lovemaggy is offline
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Default what do i do next?

my fiance recently told me that he himself wanted to stay monogamous but that he wants all of my needs to be met, and gave me permission to be polyamorous with other women....i never requested this, but i am open to it!

i have no idea where to start.
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  #30  
Old 05-05-2010, 06:57 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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And you found your way here!

A number of people can offer advice on creating a healthy, positive relationship with a third person.

It's good to be honest with the other person from the first. Sure, anyone who needs an exclusive, monogamous relationship will shy away. But leading them on by pretending to offer some form of monogamy and only later revealing that you're looking for a poly relationship will absolutely cause problems.

It's also good to think about what form your relationships might take. Often what you describe is a vee, at least at first, with one person -- you, the hinge -- having two partners. My feeling, and I think others agree, is that it's by far the best if the two people on the legs of the vee can be friends. Certainly they should know about and have met each other.

And also think about how to make sure everyone gets at least some of their needs met. There's that touchy time when love is new -- new relationship energy, NRE -- when it might be easy to forget to give attention to your fiancee. So some initial guidelines might be appropriate, maybe an agreement to have one date night a week with new friends, and a couple of special evenings for your fiancee as well.

But consciousness and awareness is really key -- whether in honesty, relationship shapes, or time management.
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