Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 07-09-2013, 08:12 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I felt like it was being misread as "Given this paragraph about my 14 year marriage, do you think he's worth staying with?"
Another quick clarification. I am not suggesting that you necessarily end your marriage. My view of relationships is that they are not static, but in a constant state of flux. Some relationships can go on for years without really having major changes but that is just dumb luck, imo, and is not a reflection on what a reasonable expectation is. As people learn and grow, mature and change hormonally they *will* change.

If IV and I stop being sexually interested in each other that will cause us to change the nature of how we relate. To many that means "breaking up" but I don't live in an all-or-nothing world when it comes to my relationships. It might change how much time we spend together or the nature of how our time is spent, but wanting to fuck each other is not intrinsically related to loving and being committed to each other.

My assertion is that you would be better off by not clinging to a dynamic that is not working. If it needs to change, let it change. Among adults relationships should be allowed to shift and adjust according to the development of the people in them (not arbitrary time limits or titles). And if they are no longer bringing joy to the lives of those involved I think they should be adjusted until they are - and yes, even if that means dissolving the association completely.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 07-10-2013, 12:06 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 180
Default

I think GG's right that addressing some of the underlying sources of tension would help. It seems understandable that you might not feel in the mood or be prone to irritation.

I think I recall that you used to describe your husband as pretty well suited to you sexually. How much has your reaction to him changed?

Maybe it would be useful to change the frame for sex. You don't want to initiate, but it doesn't work right now if he does.

Could you schedule it, so neither of you is vulnerable to rejection? This would also give you the opportunity to get yourself in the mood a bit ahead of time.

Could you lower expectations? View it as a chance to build comfort with each other, or to please the other or just experiment, and find some value in it even if it isn't great? Attitude can make a big difference.

Would it help to just accept that you're not all that turned on right now? Not accept and therefore ignore it rather than trying to address it, but I wonder if you are fighting against that feeling and making yourself feel worse.

I think there was a bit addressing how to rebuild comfort in a book called "Because it feels good". Although that's not its overall focus, I think that emotionally it resonated with me when I read it.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 07-10-2013, 12:39 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,634
Default

Hmm, your h drives me crazy and I'm not even married to him.

Anyway!

My gf's libido is lower than mine, and she can be passive, a "pillow princess." Sometimes when she gets too much that way, I just take care of my own sexual needs (or let my bf take care of me), and leave her alone sexually for a while. She still talks to me a lot, we cuddle, we kiss, we have quality time and dates, we say I love you, we are romantic, so we remain connected that way.

I do get frustrated by her passivity sometimes and every few months I do feel the need to vent verbally about my frustration. It mostly works out. I understand she was formerly a 24/7 slave in the BDSM world and that is her nature, to be more of a recipient.

I get to see my bf once or twice a week though, and our sex is intense, we are both switches and mix it up who is the aggressor. Very satisfactory!

But miss pixi and I don't have all the underlying tension about being poly that you two do. Those kinds of tensions are intimacy and libido killers. BTDT with my ex husband.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 07-10-2013, 12:46 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I see that you are not willing to push him beyond what he can tolerate... But how close to the edge ARE you willing to run him? Yourself? How willing are you to let go of baggage yourself?

You have sex problems
You have emotional problems.
He does all he can to ignore C exists or that you spend time with C.
C's worried about being a homewrecker.
You are afraid to be you.

Haven't gone into CLEAR dealbreaker territory. That would almost be easier.

It seems to run right up to the edgiest edge possible without tipping over with no comfort margins left for anyone to breathe easy.
I think if I can resolve the emotional problems, it will mostly clear up the sex problems. (I'm ok with our sex not fulfilling all my fantasies, since I do have C for some of that.) C won't worry about wrecking our family if these emotional/sex problems resolve. So it comes down to my husband not being comfortable with C's role in my life, and he says it's not a deal breaker at this point. He also believes it will get easier in time, when our kids are older, and my family needs less of my time.

A friend of mine said what I really need to ask him is whether he thinks my relationship with C is wrong, and if it's wrong in his eyes, then why does he think it's wrong? Maybe if he could answer this, I wouldn't feel so judged for it.

We got a David Schnarch book at the library this evening. Hoping that will give us some insights.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 07-10-2013, 12:58 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I know you and your husband were seeing a therapist for a while. Has that continued?

I also think it's important to try not to compare, but what I hear most in your posts is your resentment...

So, I would say ya gotta look at your expectations, & find a way to let go of resentments.
We stopped therapy because the sessions weren't helping. We'd go in and dredge up all our problems and the therapist never gave us much more than, "Do you hear what she's saying?" and "I think what he's trying to convey is that..." but we usually left feeling much worse than when we started, with no pointers on what to do with a the unearthed pain. I thought maybe books would be more useful this time.

Resentment... Guilty! I think that's what's eating me. I'm resenting him for not being everything he's not, when I know in my head that what he is, is someone amazing. I really wish he had poly leanings himself. I feel like a little jealousy at my end would do me good. I watch him dance sometimes and see the happy looks on the faces of these lovely young women who seek him out, and it helps me not get irritated with him on the dance floor. Something similar in our sex life would be good. (Not that I want to watch him have sex with other people, but if he went out sometimes, and came back glowing, it might do me good to see it.) But he's monogamous through and through, and I need to accept that too.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:14 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by willowstar View Post
AnotherConfused, it sounds to me like you just have a compatibility issue in the bedroom... I also believe that me being able to express my poly side by having another relationship helps me quite a bit.

With my BF, however, there is no trying involved. It is clear to me that he and I are much more sexually compatible. I think this is partly because he is more sexually experienced than my husband is, and, well, practice makes perfect, right? ...We are also not having PIV sex, but I can relate to your experience of knowing that can be just fine.

I wonder if learning something like tantra or trying some actual techniques would be helpful for you? It would give you both something to focus on, a specific thing to try. Your husband may simply not really know what else to do?? Or take a workshop of some kind? Maybe you can just realize that your husband will give you quiet lovemaking sexual experiences, and C will give you something different?

Just my two cents...

Willow
Wow, we have very similar situations! My husband was a virgin when we met. C hasn't had many partners and claims to never have had a good sex life before, but for whatever reason it's just effortless with us.

I do think I can be content with one kind of sweet and gentle lovemaking at home, and exploring my wilder side with C. But I can't even seem to get any kind of sex at home these days. There's something very sad about trying to have sex with my husband and failing! And it's hard not to resent that I can only have PIV sex in the more difficult relationship.

Tantra techniques... I'm sure those will be useful at some point, but probably I need to clear the way emotionally first.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:28 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I for one do not have an opinion about what people do or don't do with their genitals; it is not my business. What I do have an opinion about and have expressed is the insistence that rules for how a partner should behave are going to help bring about a more harmonious relationship. The fact that this particular relationship has a rule banning something is what I call dumb and counterproductive... it is not hinged upon the PIV sex part.
I see your point but I think it's going to vary from person to person whether this rule is a big deal or not. Most of us are fine with rules (often unspoken) like "Don't text while I'm having sex with you," or "Don't have unprotected sex with others" because we find these things to be reasonable. Whereas rules like "Tell me everything you do with your other partner" or "Call me every 15 minutes when you are out" would be pretty unreasonable and therefore intolerable to most. In my case, the PIV sex rule is tolerable. I'm a fingers girl. For others on this forum it's a "dumb" rule and a deal breaker. For a large part of society it's a complete given in a marriage. It's a matter of perspective, don't you think? We can't just say that all rules of behavior need to be scrapped. We act with others' interests in mind as well as our own.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:37 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Another quick clarification. I am not suggesting that you necessarily end your marriage....

...It might change how much time we spend together or the nature of how our time is spent, but wanting to fuck each other is not intrinsically related to loving and being committed to each other.

My assertion is that you would be better off by not clinging to a dynamic that is not working. If it needs to change, let it change.
Thanks for clarifying. I agree. Things shift and change, and we are definitely not the same couple now as we were 14 years ago. However, our marriage always seems to be better when we are sexually involved. Maybe because it's a reflection of the health of our emotional intimacy. I'd rather fix that, than drop that part of our relationship altogether. I don't think we could be as emotionally close as I'd like to be if we weren't sex partners as well (which is the problem).

I think if he were my only outlet for sexual fulfillment, I'd be more worried about the viability of our relationship. Considering that I do have C, I think I can work on getting back enough of a marital sex life that it feels close, happy, and natural. That's my goal.
__________________
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:37 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I can't even seem to get any kind of sex at home these days. There's something very sad about trying to have sex with my husband and failing!.
None at all? When was the last time you had sexy time? If not actual fucking, at least arousal and orgasms on both sides?

And how often do you and C get to meet and get it on? I am just wondering how bad it's getting for you!

You 2 might try a different therapist, you know. Heck, even a Christian counselor would recommend regular sex for the health of the marriage bond. I know I've had female Christian friends who were told by pastoral counseling it was their Christian duty to have sex with their horny Christian husbands... but maybe Christians don't care if it's the woman with the higher libido!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,030
Default

To me he is not "monogamous." He is in a polyship with you and C already. That's not monogamy then. To me he is "monoamorous." He loves you and only partnered with you.

Is there some guilt thing here to resolve on your end with that? Like it would be ok to give yourself permission to love C and DH if only DH also had someone else to "make it even" somehow? And because he isn't doing that, you are "stuck in guilt" and hello resentment toward DH?

It isn't only DH's having to do emotional work with "I am enough for her" kind of stuff and not going all off into the land of "Why's she got to have 2? Aren't I enough for her? " thinking patterns? He has "pre-decided" your rejection of him, so then it comes out in not wanting to initiate sex?

Maybe expand the definition of sexy time to be less pressured "sensual time?" Kissing, hugging, making out, taking showers together -- sensual time. Could reframing it that way take the pressure off?

Maybe there's other baggage there in the emotional health or mental health department of the marriage. What about the spiritual health of the marriage? How's that? Because while there's sex problems, it doesn't sound like it relates to physical health things like libido or erectile dysfunction or similar. It pops out in this area, but that's not where the root problem starts.

Maybe something like this could help change the negative thinking patterns for each of you better than the therapist did? Something more "group" oriented than just you guys and the counselor?

Quote:
I think if he were my only outlet for sexual fulfillment, I'd be more worried about the viability of our relationship. Considering that I do have C, I think I can work on getting back enough of a marital sex life that it feels close, happy, and natural. That's my goal.
It sounds like maybe you know what you want to do/resolve/accomplish but need help with the HOW of it?
But do you know that HIS goals are? For himself and for the marriage? And are they compatible goals with yours?

Emotional intimacy can happen not just through sex (physical intimacy) but through talking (mental intimacy). When was the last time you guys had a good heart-to-heart kind of talk?

I dunno if that helps any. Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-10-2013 at 01:53 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
differences, resentment, sex, sexual assertiveness, sexual technique

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:11 AM.