Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 07-08-2013, 10:38 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,629
Default

You've said on your blog that your h is JEALOUS. In caps. This is a huge red flag to successful poly. Even if you 2 do find your hot bi babe, he could get jealous when you and she are sexing each other, or texting each other, or go out shopping and end up with a couple private jokes, or talk about girl stuff, or brush each other's hair...

Sex: women can go longer than men. I've read about men getting jealous after a 3some, he cums and passes out, the women keep going and he gets mad when he realizes this.

Et cetera, et cetera.

And he's a manly man, truck driver who likes to blow things up? Eek.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 07-09-2013, 02:56 PM
xotheladyxo's Avatar
xotheladyxo xotheladyxo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And he's a manly man, truck driver who likes to blow things up? Eek.
Lol. You have no idea how many people ask me how we ended up together because we are completely different people. Yes, he is a burly, manly man, vanilla, redneck, truck driver and I am an artsy, completely girly, like to shop and have my nails, kinky, poly, bi, blogger. We have almost nothing in common aside from our music interest and our love for each other. We met in high school, but I refused to date him for years because he wasn't even my type. I love a well dressed, book smart, clean cut, business type man. . .this is not my husband at all. I find that we compliment each other perfectly. Where he is strong, I am weak and vise versa. It just works for us and I think we have something beautiful.

He is jealous, I put it in caps more so to bring the focus to that emotion/trait than to say that he is EXTREMELY JEALOUS. He isn't over the top. He isn't going through my phone and not allowing me to go any where, but he does express his discontent when I bring up a story regarding an ex when it is relevant to the conversation or if I see one of my old guy friends and I give them a hug.

We did have a very lengthy discussion about everything from his jealousy to dating separately and the conversation went 150 times better than I could have imagined. It started out kind of how I expected it to with my husband being closed minded to dating separately, but the more I talked, and read to him the more he understood and warmed up to the idea. By the end of our conversation he told me that he was 100% comfortable with me dating and having relationships with women without him. But he wasn't comfortable with me dating men. This is alright with me because, at this point, I don't want another relationship with a man, I want to date women, but I did tell him that we would have to work on that because at some point I might want to explore a relationship with another man and I would want him to be open and comfortable with it. He agreed to work on it. I asked him if he would be comfortable dating and having relationships with women without me, he said it would make him uncomfortable, but he was open to trying. He expressed concerns of being able to meet someone because he isn't very tech savvy and spends next to no time on the computer. I offered to help him as much and in any was as I could.

I think he still has his heart set on the triad and he does hope that one will develop naturally. I do hope for this too, but my heart isn't set on it like his is. I do feel a lot better after talking to him and I probably shouldn't have assumed he would be completely against it. We still have a lot more talking to do, I feel like I overwhelmed him a bit last night. But, all moves in a good direction I think.

Last edited by xotheladyxo; 07-09-2013 at 02:59 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 07-09-2013, 05:38 PM
Natja's Avatar
Natja Natja is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 823
Default

Yay!!! Result!! That's awesome. Very happy for you.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 07-09-2013, 05:41 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,018
Default

Yay... always like good news.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 07-09-2013, 07:05 PM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
That's not the type of people we are.
I notice you use the word 'we' a lot. That is, for me, a red flag of warning.

What happens when you discover that you have a different relationship to this new person than your partner does? What happens when it is no longer 'we' but instead a complex 4 relationship situation (AB, BC, AB and ABC)?

The reality is that most people who have a relationship that identifies as 'we', rather than two individuals sharing SOME aspects of their lives, are often co-dependent (you might go do some research on that if you don't recognise the term).

Bringing a third person into a co-dependent relationship is, trust me, not a recipe for long-term success.
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 07-09-2013, 07:20 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
I notice you use the word 'we' a lot. That is, for me, a red flag of warning.

What happens when you discover that you have a different relationship to this new person than your partner does? What happens when it is no longer 'we' but instead a complex 4 relationship situation (AB, BC, AB and ABC)?

The reality is that most people who have a relationship that identifies as 'we', rather than two individuals sharing SOME aspects of their lives, are often co-dependent (you might go do some research on that if you don't recognise the term).

Bringing a third person into a co-dependent relationship is, trust me, not a recipe for long-term success.
This is one of the most fundamental basic important things. And the changes start from the INSIDE, not from the outside. One way to ease into changing the way you think is instead of "we" start using "so-and-so and I" or "so-and-so and me" (use "I" when it's a subject and "me" when it's a predicate. Also there is no such possessive compound pronoun as "so-and-so and I's" That is WRONG. Don't do it, and if you already do it, STOP IMMEDIATELY).

That is all.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:24 AM
xotheladyxo's Avatar
xotheladyxo xotheladyxo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 26
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
I notice you use the word 'we' a lot. That is, for me, a red flag of warning.

What happens when you discover that you have a different relationship to this new person than your partner does? What happens when it is no longer 'we' but instead a complex 4 relationship situation (AB, BC, AB and ABC)?

The reality is that most people who have a relationship that identifies as 'we', rather than two individuals sharing SOME aspects of their lives, are often co-dependent (you might go do some research on that if you don't recognise the term).

Bringing a third person into a co-dependent relationship is, trust me, not a recipe for long-term success.
Yes, I do use "we" a lot, but I also use "my husband and I" a lot also. I just don't like to sound too repetitive. That doesn't mean that I don't recognize that my husband and I are separate people and are going to have separate relationships even if we did find a triad. Also, we have decided not to seek out a triad, but to date separately. When I start trying to meet other women then it will be "I" that is seeking them out and "I" they will have to have chemistry with. When I do start a relationship with someone and she becomes by girlfriend then she and I will become "we" just as my husband and I are "we". I understand the difference.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 07-10-2013, 05:26 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

That's grooovy. A lot of people think it is splitting hairs, but it is important to be in touch with the conditioning that makes us word things the way we do. There's that pesky "we" again.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:30 PM
xotheladyxo's Avatar
xotheladyxo xotheladyxo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 26
Default

I am finding that the way I word things is very important in portraying my intent. I am also finding I am not nearly as good at wording things as I thought I was. I am doing my best to word things correctly, but I don't even really think about some of the different ways my wording can be interpreted. It is never my intent to offend anyone, nor is it to sound like I don't consider all people individuals. I have been much more conscience of how I word things lately, but I still find that I am making unintentional mistakes. I'm new, I'm learning, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 07-10-2013, 01:45 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
I am finding that the way I word things is very important in portraying my intent. I am also finding I am not nearly as good at wording things as I thought I was. I am doing my best to word things correctly, but I don't even really think about some of the different ways my wording can be interpreted. It is never my intent to offend anyone, nor is it to sound like I don't consider all people individuals.
Basically the reason why most members here point these things out to people is not to judge them or say they've been offended, but to help them look at any thinking, mindset, prejudices, beliefs, expectations, etc., that may be behind how an idea is expressed. It's not about wording things "correctly" to please us or anyone else - other forum posters are not grading you on your language. What a lot of folks fail to recognize is that pointing things like this out and letting one know how the words that are chosen affect others, is meant to be helpful information so that someone can be successful moving forward -- this kind of feedback is not just a criticism.

For example, if you read many stories here from women who have been in triads that bombed, you will see how the prevalence of a "we" mindset really made them feel like they were valued less than the core, pre-existing couple because everything was "us and her" rather than him and her and her. That is a lot for an individual to be up against in a relationship every day. In reality, triads, quads and other multiple-partner relationships are all made up of dyads, and it behooves everyone to stop thinking of a triad in terms of a "couple plus one." Language is pointed out to newbies only as something to be watchful and cautious about, so that one can see where any bumps in the road might come up. I appreciate that you've taken all this in a positive light, and as something to examine and be aware of. Awareness is key!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 07-10-2013 at 02:35 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
triad, unicorn

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:24 PM.