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Old 07-09-2013, 02:10 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 123
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It's been a while since I updated...although I've composed many a post in my head. There has just been so much going on.

The visit with LT was fabulous. It was so good to reconnect after everything that's happened this year. She is firmly on my side, asking questions about how MD is, how the relationship works, what I'm feeling, etc. All in a loving, friendly way-back to how we have always operated. She is still concerned, but she doesn't vilify me. I'm concerned for me too lol.

At one point in the trip, we went to a bar that was hosting a Write Club event. If you live anywhere near one of their chapters-don't miss it! Basically, there are 3 opposing topic sets, and people who have written something and battle with their words. Not debate, just something they have written, and people vote by applause for who has won the round. The winner chooses which charity the proceeds go to. This event was right up LT & I's alley. We are both total lit geeks, and love debating the content of a book, watching TED talks together, etc.
We walked up to the bar, which had a menu full of amazing food truck type menu and specialty cocktails, and quickly decided to share some pickled fried okra and chicken & waffles. Jeebus-that shit was amazing! We then settled down in our seats to watch the Write Club. The energy was amazing, the place was packed, and I was feeding off of the community of the group. One of the topics was Trash vs Treasure, and the Trash portion made me sob. SOB! Tears streaming down my face. She spoke of how she grew up singing a Redemption Song....how she built her identity, her sexuality, her value around this Redemption Song. But how this was not like Bob Marley's Redemption Song....it was not about freedom. That in her heart-she knew something was off. It was wrecking her body with ailments....after all it's spirit over body in the Christian paradigm. Then she said during their mountain years (we also live in the mountains)...she felt a stirring. A princess and the pea moment. And she knew she couldn't keep singing the same Redemption song. She said it was like her husband saying to her-I love you in spite of yourself. But you are dirty and broken, and you can't even be in my presence without repenting. Shoo....that really got my waterworks going. So she walked out of church...and told God that if he/she/whomever damned her to hell for that, then shame on them. Now she sings a different Redemption Song. One of love for the oozy, gooey mess that we are. One of love that celebrates a connection with others. One that loves the tangled mess of sinner/saint that we all are. She ended it by saying: "I am not trash"

This spoke perfectly to the spiritual crisis I've been going through. It was like she took my emotions and wrote them down on a piece of paper. Gawd. I shared it with FJ, because he's had a hard time with my shift. We've always been of the same spiritual mind until now. And, in most ways, we still are....we just express it differently. We had a great discussion about the piece, and it felt good to have him really listen to my feelings without attaching his own feelings to it.


Oops-I forgot to update about MD & FJ's date night. I was having an awesome event....loving every moment of it. I looked hot that night, and got oodles of complements and some heavy hitting flirting from a few nice looking guys. Great way to boost my ego while my 2 loves were together. I had asked FJ to be home around midnight so that we had a chance to reconnect before I left early the next morning. Well, around 11:30 I start getting texts from MD asking if FJ had to be home at midnight. :/ Then one from him asking if I minded if he stayed another hour. Well fuck me. My high from a successful event and all that flirting plummeted. I felt like FJ was putting me in an antagonistic, me-against-them, position. Like I was his mother who gave him a curfew. Me asking him to be home at midnight was a request....NOT a rule. And we've had many convos where I've told him as much. We are independent people...I don't make the rules for him. If he agreed that we needed to reconnect before I left-then he should've owned it as something HE wanted. Not my rule being imposed on him and making him miss out on all the fun. So I calmly texted them both back saying if they were enjoying themselves, not to worry about me, that I was headed home to relieve the babysitter. When FJ got home, he recounted their date and activities...told me that MD cried when he had to leave because she was lonely and really wanted him to stay :/. He wasn't feeling very well (came down with a terrible cold the next day) and went to bed. No reconnecting happened at all. Not even a kiss from him. Then I'm getting texts from MD about how she had a great night, and wished he could've stayed. Telling me we all need to get away soon. I felt like shit. FJ snoring next to me without reconnecting with me, but being with MD alone which I've so desperately wanted-and her pining over him. Gah. I cried myself to sleep.
__________________
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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