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  #11  
Old 07-08-2013, 09:27 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

Or does it merely make you feel smug and superior to classify it and distance yourself from that label?
You presume much, I have no emotional investment in this thread, but as far as I am concerned, an unwilling partner does not Polyamory make. Does it mean it is non-monogamy, absolutely! And non monogamy is fine, I have no problem with that, I just don't call it Polyamory is all.
Doesn't make me feel superior, doesn't make me feel anything, it is my opinion and it is no less valid, nor more so than yours or anyone else.
Don't like it, that is fine, but don't project some emotional reaction to me that in no way feel.

Thanks muchly...
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  #12  
Old 07-08-2013, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
This smells very messy and isn't likely to work out in the long run.
This seems like the most relevant point to me. He has a girlfriend in the wings who is explicitly against his being with other people, his first instinct is to hide her from the OP and vice verse, he wants to continue dating anyway... man that's going to be trouble.

Whether or not he and his girlfriend eventually work it out months or years down the road will not mitigate the fact that drama seems unavoidable currently. Some people aren't dissuaded by impending drama, certainly if they've got NRE pumping which sounds like it may be the case for OP.

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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
It may not be how you do poly, but that doesn't mean "it's not poly."
I hope that people are just misspeaking when they say things like this; I see it so frequently on these boards. I presume what they mean is "healthy" or "likely to last" or "how I want my relationships". Attempting to make "poly" a narrow type of non-monogamous relating in which everyone is "whatever" is a fruitless effort.
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  #13  
Old 07-08-2013, 08:11 PM
london london is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I think that depends entirely on what he says to the gf.
"I'm polyamorous, I see other people, you can either take it or take a hike" May not in your eyes be cheating but it sure isn't Poly.
Why isn't that poly? One partner is saying to the other that they either consent to them seeing other people, or they choose to end the relationship. They are either consensually non monogamous, or not together at all. If you discover later in life that you are polyamorous, after being in a committed relationship, that is what it might boil down to.
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  #14  
Old 07-08-2013, 08:29 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Why isn't that poly? One partner is saying to the other that they either consent to them seeing other people, or they choose to end the relationship. They are either consensually non monogamous, or not together at all. If you discover later in life that you are polyamorous, after being in a committed relationship, that is what it might boil down to.
Someone who agrees under duress is not really agreeing ergo it is not really consensual. Why not just end the relationship if the person doesn't want you to be Poly? I just don't see the point in dragging out a relationship that is not working, not happy and is not compatible. It's a recipe in some sort of emotional masochism and I don't go for that.
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  #15  
Old 07-08-2013, 08:44 PM
london london is offline
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The same could be asked of the other person: why don't they just leave if the person doesn't want to be mono?

I agree that ultimatums are not a great way to go, but sometimes, in relationships, your needs change and are no longer compatible with your partner's needs. I am overall sceptical about relationships that started out monogamous and now aren't, but there are people who are happily in this situation. I think for a great many of those, at some point, an ultimatum of this kind may have been given. The poly person said that despite their love for their mono partner, they cannot be happy and monogamous, so they either have a non monogamous relationship, or split up. I agree that there is an amount of coercion because they know they either agree, or lose the relationship, but I also think that some people could make a truly informed choice to have the non monogamous relationship. Doubting that someone could make an informed choice is doubting their ability to consent altogether, and I wouldn't just assume someone is unable to consent to something simply because there is a coercive influence. It has to be acknowledged, but it doesn't always supersede someone's ability to make a decision.

If the mono person clearly isn't dealing with it, then I agree that it is both unethical and some sort of masochism (not the hot kind) to continue with the relationship. And I mean unethical of both parties, not just the poly person.
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  #16  
Old 07-08-2013, 08:54 PM
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well after reading the replies and talking with both my husband and other poly friends the only way we'd continue is if there was a meeting of the minds so to speak. I'd have to meet with the girlfriend to see if she understand and is okay with everything and maybe having it explained from someone else so it doesn't seem like he's just feeding her lines and if it is it should come out also then I've got my choice made easy. If he doesn't want us to meet then again it's worked out easy as it will be done with.
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  #17  
Old 07-08-2013, 09:06 PM
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Good Luck! I really hope it works out well for everyone involved
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  #18  
Old 07-09-2013, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I hope that people are just misspeaking when they say things like this; I see it so frequently on these boards. I presume what they mean is "healthy" or "likely to last" or "how I want my relationships". Attempting to make "poly" a narrow type of non-monogamous relating in which everyone is "whatever" is a fruitless effort.
Just for the sake of clarifying my own position, I have no judgements about how anyone else governs their relationships, nor do I believe there is one right format or prescribed configuration. I had no idea when trying to define the concept of cheating, someone was going to try to draw me into a pissing match about the definition of poly. I should have said instead of "this isn't poly," that this is not a situation I would welcome. What I do see in regard to this question posed by the OP is the potential a lot of ensuing drama.

And if it were me - but it isn't - I would want to determine if the lying is a newbie error, or a pattern of behavior.
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  #19  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I had no idea when trying to define the concept of cheating, someone was going to try to draw me into a pissing match about the definition of poly.
We're having a pissing match about the definition of poly?
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  #20  
Old 07-09-2013, 01:17 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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We're having a pissing match about the definition of poly?
Sorry Marcus, I quoted you, but the comment wasn't directed at you. Earlier in the thread, like several days ago, I was responding to the original poster, and rather than understand the overall message I was trying to convey, another poster about nit-picked me to death in regard to definitions of cheating and poly. I finally responded with, "Yes, this isn't poly," an agreement of sorts, just to try to get off the tangent and back to the OP's original dilemma. It didn't work. I was irritated and dropped off the thread. I came back to find myself quoted out of context.
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