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  #141  
Old 06-28-2013, 02:44 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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My date with BGuy was awesome.
He is a very special guy. Soooo smart, very considerate, polite, careful, literate, a great conversationalist. And the sex is pretty hot Ah I can't stop smiling just remembering it.
We had a nice email exchange the next day where we were more explicit than before about what we want from each other and how we would like to proceed with this 'relationship' (we both hesitate to call it this but I guess even a FWB type of connection is a relationship of sorts). We seem to be on the same page... and I'm happy about it. We'll probably see each other again in a couple of weeks, for great talks and laughs and oh did I mention the hot sex ?

I still have the house to myself and tonight MrBrown is coming over. He just texted me what he wants me to prepare - rope, tape, candles, blindfolds, and that he wants me to send him a picture of where I put the stuff so he can easily find it when he's at my house. This request just sent shivers down my spine and gave me butterflies. Very excited, and a little nervous, about what this night will bring.

Just thought I'd post some good poly related stuff for a change !
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  #142  
Old 07-08-2013, 09:33 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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The defining characteristic for which "type" of relationship style you are most suited for seems to boil down to one trait (with two applications). So I would focus less on which relationship type you fall into and more on your personal approach to relating with your partner.
1. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have authority over and responsibility for your own time/feelings/body? Do you believe that your partner has any "duties" related to tending to your emotional state? Do you expect that they should maintain partial ownership of you?

2. Authority and Responsibility: do you believe that you have any authority or responsibility over your partners time/feelings/body? Do you have any say in what they do with their time/emotions/body? Do you expect to maintain partial ownership of them?
In the end, this is the building block of how you are going to relate to your partners. This is the one trait that keeps popping up on these boards and in the relationships around me, and in my own previous relationships.

If, like me, you claim total ownership of your own time/feelings/body and claim no ownership of your partners time/feelings/body then you are polyamorous by default. More precisely you would fall into a relationship anarchist or independent poly type.

At the far other end where a person claims a great deal of authority over their partners time/feelings/body and expect this interdependence from their partner as well... that would be what I would call a kind of tyrannical monogamy or hell on Earth. The other styles fall somewhere in between, but the classification of your relationship style is far less important than understanding fundamentally how you relate to your romantic partner.


Just wanted to copy paste this post by Marcus here for future reference. Something I've been thinking a LOT about lately.

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  #143  
Old 07-14-2013, 06:25 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Hello, Universe.
Do you think you could stop throwing life lessons at me for a bit?
I mean, I get it, I really do.. I have a lot to learn. But please, a little time to breathe before the next round, would be very nice.

Things have been ... I don't know what to say.

First of all, my dad is still very sick, and I'm having a difficult time dealing with it and the whole family situation. It's causing me a lot of stress and anxiety.

Besides that, I had a health scare of my own - don't want to go into specifics, but it basically meant waiting for life-or-death test results for over a week. I'm fine! BUT - it was a pretty horrible week.

To top it all off, C and I broke up.

He came to my city for a long weekend, to stay at the place I was housesitting. I could write a really long story about all that happened and how it made me feel and what it made me realize - but I'll keep it short and just say I finally got him to admit that his feelings for me have changed since he became involved with Molly, and that he does not desire me anymore, and that he has felt like this on and off for some time now, and that he is probably not able to have two 'full' relationships, and that he made the decision to have this relationship with her and not me.

I have lots of mixed feelings. In a way I am relieved to know that all my anxieties and insecurities were not the result of my crazy mind, but that I was actually tapping into HIS doubts and that I was feeling the very real threat. That his reassuring me was basically him reassuring himself.

I was very very sad also and very mad, as well. But while I could not hide the sadness I managed to not give in to being mad.

He said that having a loving friendship without sex would be a relationship for him - I said that it isn't all about the sex, that it has to do with the fact that he became more and more integrated in my life and I had none of the same in his.

I said that while I did not blame him for the fact that his feelings had changed, I did blame for the fact that he had not been honest with himself about it and therefore had not been honest with me. He said things aren't that clear cut and he did not know for sure for a long time (I think that is bull shit - but again, managed not to say so).

So many things I did not say.

My only slip was a sarcastic 'I hope the 2 of you will be very happy together'.

I just felt so stupid... How I kept giving him my love,, inviting him into my life, while he has been withdrawing from me for months - all the while still telling me he loved me and that nothing had changed.

He just left.

I think it's very possible that we'll never see each other again.
We agreed to no contact for a month. I don't think that will be hard, because I really feel I have nothing left to say to him.

I know this is for the best - the relationship with him has been causing me so much worry over the past months. It was more worry than pleasure, really. Especially when the physical part was no longer a language through which we communicated. But - I love him, and he has been such an important part of my life for a year and a half.

It hurts. A lot.
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  #144  
Old 07-14-2013, 08:48 AM
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Oh Cleo, I'm so sorry to hear about the break-up and the health concerns. I'm sure it is in a way a relief to know that it wasn't all in your head, that C actually had doubts for quite a long time. I'm glad the worrying is over now though. Hang in there! *hugs*
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  #145  
Old 07-14-2013, 09:02 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I am sorry you're hurting right now, Cleo. I just sent you a PM, but wanted to say here that you really shouldn't let yourself feel stupid about it. There is nothing wrong with loving someone, and all you had to go on was the info you were given. At some point you will be able to look back at it and appreciate it without such pain. In the mean time, I am sending you hugs.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #146  
Old 07-14-2013, 02:16 PM
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Cleo, I'm sorry you're (understandably) hurting so much! I hope that you will find some comfort in finally having some clarity about the situation and from the loss of the anxiety, even though that cannot take away the hurt.

And NYC has a point that you did the best you could with the info you had. You could have not believed him, given in to your doubts, but I'm not sure that you would have ended up in a better place, either in the relationship or afterwards.

Thank goodness your health turned out ok, and I'm sorry about your dad as well. I lost my dad a few years ago after almost 2 years of illness, so I can easily imagine how stressful your situation may be for you.

And I hope you're able to be supported by some of the other people in your life. Not that I'm saying AT ALL that they are replacements or anything like that, just that for me knowing that others still care provides some comfort in the face of loss.

Hugs.
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  #147  
Old 07-14-2013, 07:38 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thanks, all, for your kind words.

I had good talks with both Ren and MrBrown today. It made me realize a couple of things:

What I am grieving is not so much the way the relationship was the last couple of months - because it's been going downhill for some time. What I'm grieving is most of all my poly ideal, the one that was kindled in December when C stayed at my house for the first time while Ren was also there, after meeting a lot of my friends, and the day before I told my parents about him. That ideal of integrating him more and more into my life... I was just too idealistic, or gullible, or whatever, to realize that all the time I was drawing him in, he was actually pulling away.

BUT I was just looking at some photos (yeah I know should not be doing that) and they made me very sad. We did have something good, while it was good.

I kind of sort of but not really broke the 30 days of no communication rule (I told him when he left this morning we should not communicate for 30 days)
I have a blog, on which I write about a specific subject but will often also write about life events. I wrote a post about C today.. his name is not there, and you would have to know a lot about my life to be able to know it's about him. But he subscribes to my blog so unless he decides not to read, he will read my account (in poetic and rather cryptic language) of the break up.

But hey, I'm a writer, this is what I do, I write about things that happen to me.


MrBrown visited me this afternoon. A good talk, and some lovely sex. It's definitely a benefit of poly that breaking up with someone, doesn't have to mean you become lonely and sex deprived
I do love him so, my MrBrown. Just like Ren, he sees me as I am, he sees right through to my core, and he believes in me even if the core gets clouded by my fears and anxieties. This is a good thing to remember, because despite the love I felt for C., I never got THAT feeling from him - that he truly loved me just the way I am.
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  #148  
Old 07-15-2013, 09:14 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thinking, processing.

It is so strange that a couple of months ago, the thought of losing C threw me into a complete panic. I obsessed about it, cried about it. I could not bear the thought of the emptiness and loneliness I would feel if he would be gone from my life.

Now he IS gone, and there is emptiness, but it doesn't feel black or horrible. I would say it feels like a big, slightly melancholy space, that is not suffocating at all, but a space where I can breathe and think and be myself.

I think this says a lot about the way our relationship was the past couple of months. But it also scares me a little - is it normal to be this calm about it? It's not that I am not sad, it's that I am not as sad or hurt as I thought I would be.

MrBrown said that I've been saying goodbye for months. This is true. I also feel that I realized a very important thing in the last conversation with C. I can handle a lot of things - I'm willing to do a lot of work, make a lot of compromises, shift, settle, negotiate. But when someone says "I'm not interested in you sexually anymore" that seems to be a deal breaker.

This kind of surprised me also, because I always thought that if the sex would go we could still be close and intimate friends. But I guess that is not possible if one person wants the sex (and I wanted it terribly - he turned me on, so much, he only had to touch me or I wanted him) and the person doesn't. And it's also not possible when one person hided this change in feelings for months, I do regard this as a breach of trust. He said "But I did not know for sure" and I said "Then you should have told me your doubts and that you did not know for sure, instead of reassuring me your feelings had NOT changed."

Things I've learned and that I want to remind myself of here, for future reference:

I will never get involved with someone again who is scared to let me meet his other partner(s) or who has a partner who is not willing to meet me. By this I really do mean 'willing'. I don't have to meet them , but I have to know that there is a willingness. I did not meet MrBrowns GF until after more than a year, but I knew there was willingness.

If I meet someone who is single and poly, I will have the 'metamour conversation' right in the beginning (never had it with C).

And hopefully, this has taught me something about learning to trust my gut feelings more. The tightness in my chest, the nervousness and anxiety - they are NOT part of a healthy and happy relationship, and I hope to be able to recognize these red flags sooner, the next time.
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  #149  
Old 07-18-2013, 10:56 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Things are actually... good.

I feel free. It's like I can breathe again. It's almost scary how little sadness there is. It makes me think I've let things go way way too far. I hope I will be more in tune with my feelings next time. And know when to leave a situation that isn't good for me. Well, I'll just look at this as a relationship that has brought me much joy for about a year, and became a major learning experience for the last 6 months of it.

Date with BGuy lined up for next week. And am going away for a romantic weekend with Ren. Things with MrBrown are really good. And I've been chatting on OKCupid wth a guy with whom I'm a 99% match. (I'm not even a 99% match with Ren!) We've been talking for a while, but since the break up with C it's become more frequent. So far it's not flirty, just friendly, but I do worry a little that I am pursuing this as some sort of rebound thing. I do like the attention.... but I should be honest with myself and him. Also, it's probably too soon to step into something new... shouldn't I grieve for C some more? On the other hand, I feel strong and free, and want to feel open to all possibillities.

we'll see....

Funny story. I was visiting with family and one of my uncles told a story that he read about a guy with 5 kids and 5 fosterkids. He said: you know they say if you divide love, it multiplies!
I just could not resist and said, Oh, and how many wives did he have?
There was utter silence.. that side of my family is very religious. I saw my mother flinch a little, I guess she was scared I would share my 'secret'
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Last edited by Cleo; 07-18-2013 at 10:59 AM.
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  #150  
Old 07-22-2013, 12:26 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Well I guess it had to come back and bite me. Maybe I was too optimistic last week. This week is definitely not off to a very good start.

I had a date with BGuy last night, and while the talks were great and the sex was amazing, I still left feeling a little sad. I think because I realized that this is what it is and it's never going to be anything else, and while I don't want anything else with him, I DO want that other thing with someone. Being part of each others lives, sharing details. I had or thought I had it with C in the beginning, and while I am feeling good about the decision I made, knowing I could never have it with him the way I wanted to.... I am so very sad today.
It makes me think is it impossible? Do I want something impossible? And that's a very depressing thought.

Had a phone conversation with MrBrown who says I should just feel the emptiness and that it isn't worse than I how felt the last months with C.. which is true, but doesn't help with the fear that this ideal of mine is unattainable.

Where I felt open and free last week, I know feel closed off and hurt. But maybe this is what it should be, it did seem strange to me that I felt so little grief after loving someone for 18 months.
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