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Old 07-07-2013, 09:42 PM
xotheladyxo's Avatar
xotheladyxo xotheladyxo is offline
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Location: Upstate, NY
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Default When is it okay?

My husband and I have certain sexual preferences that we would like to share with whomever we form a relationship with. We aren't simply looking for sex or 3 somes or whatever, but we feel that sex is important in any relationship. So my question is, when we start talking with and meeting new people that we could potentially want to start a relationship with, when is it okay to talk about these things? Some of the things we are into are important to us and our relationship, but we know that not everyone is into the same things. We don't want to bring it up right in the beginning because we don't want anyone to think that we are simply looking for sex. We also don't want to wait too long to mention it because if someone is completely opposed to even being involved with people that engage in these acts. . .well, that's kind of a deal breaker. . .

Just so you know, we're not doing anything illegal or dangerous :P We just like certain things that some people don't approve of
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:56 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I discuss all things important from the beginning.
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Old 07-07-2013, 09:58 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Could tell the potential dating partner that you prefer to get this "dealbreaker" stuff sorted out early and want to know their own "dealbreaker things" might be.

And ask if they are willing to set a date to do that or not?

Go from there.

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Old 07-07-2013, 10:04 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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My suggestion is early is better than later. But to be honest drop the we stuff. Date separately from each other.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 07-08-2013, 04:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Agreed. Sooner than later, for sure. I like GG's way of phrasing it as both sharing their dealbreaker things.

I think it's usually pretty clear when people are "just" looking for sex. If you go on a couple dates and have fun together, I think most people will figure out that you're looking for more than just sex. Otherwise, you'd have put the moves on the first date.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 07-08-2013, 05:01 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Location: Seattle-ish
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I know that no matter how important sex is to me, I get turned off when somebody seems too focused on bringing it up ASAP unless they are looking to fill a specific BDSM/kink dynamics and not interested in relationships that don't include it, OR have low libido partners and want to make sure not to get involved with another low libido partner. That said, if its a deal breaker if they dont have similar sexual interests, there's nothing wrong with broaching it in email/chat before you meet or on a first meet - I find it preferable if it's a part of the chatting, not what all the chat is about and I don't mind if it's brought up as part of the process of flirting/getting to know each other - but there's also nothing wrong with bringing it up on a 2nd/3rd date after you have more of a sense of the person, and that's my preference.

Also... I can't imagine not spending a good chunk of time fetlife.com if you're actively looking for networking/involvement with other people who broadcast up front if they are into things that other people might not approve of (if that's what you mean). There are a few fetishes/kinks I just won't date somebody if they engage in at all, and I like knowing that sooner than later so I can beg off if needed - and personally I'd be less than happy if they waited to broach the subject at all until we were already having sex.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:35 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

I bring up my sexual interests on my OKcupid profile, mainly through the questions. I am not interested in dating anyone who is submissive or just not sexually compatible with me because without good sex, nothing else will fall into place. I don't want a second date with anyone who won't end up being sexually compatible with me: that's why I usually fuck on the first one so we know where we are. If someone is small minded and shallow enough to think that fucking on a first date means that I am not relationship material, we wouldn't be socially compatible because I advocate sex positivity. I also don't find someone wanting to fuck me particularly offensive. I've never understood why other women do.

I'm kinky, but Fetlife is only good for matching people's sexual interests. On other dating sites, you get an idea of what other interests the person has in order to assess if you would be compatible for anything more than sex. It also isn't designed for you to perv around and scour for dates. It's designed for you to meet people with common interests in your area. You can't search by gender or age for that reason. For me, Okcupid has been far superior for meeting likeminded kinky and poly people.

Last edited by london; 07-08-2013 at 08:35 PM. Reason: typos
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