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  #521  
Old 07-08-2013, 01:53 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
I've seen far too many people switch back from one to the other. It's certainly possible, because it happens. And a lot of folks never look back.

In this particular thread, obviously someone's going to crack, eventually. Probably Matt or the OP, based on how they handle conflict. Si just has to sit back and wait for it.
That may be true of people who started out mono, but those of us who have never lived monogamously have a harder time of it. The longest I have ever been able to stay mono was 2 years and 4 months and that only meant I wasn't dating anyone else. I was still making out with my female friends on a fairly regular basis. But neither Runic Wolf or I thought that counted when we were 16-18 years old. In the 13 years that we have been married there has always been someone else for one or both of us be it FWB or a full blown relationship. He recently said that he sometimes wished it were different, that I loved only him, but I had to gently remind him that I am not capable of that and never have been. I had to remind him that before I knew about poly, before he and I met, I regularly dated two guys at once until I was able to let the one I liked least go easily, because my religious upbringing said I had to choose.
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  #522  
Old 07-08-2013, 04:49 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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One thing that I don't think Matt understands in all of this is you can't just tell someone to stop loving someone else. Ry and Si's feelings for each other are real. They're not just going to magically go away because Matt doesn't want to share his wife any more.

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe she needed a break from spending time with her husband; needed a bit of girl time away from him and his family? To suddenly go from living near her family to living thousands of miles away near his family is a huge change. I bet Matt would be happy if she didn't make any friends and spent her while life focused solely on him and the children, but that wouldn't be fair to Ry. She's worlds away from home, ofcourse she reached out to a friendly face. Yeah, she fell back into old habits, but I really don't believe that it's ever possible to put the poly genie back in the bottle. Once you've known multiple love, you can never go back to being mono, thinking mono, etc and for Ry, who has never been mono before, it has to be doubly hard to try to adjust. It's like asking a mono person to be poly. I really hope that you find a balance that works for everyone.
He does not care if I have friends or go out. It is only my ex. Her presence on his radar is a trigger. Think of when someone is in the hospital. You know how when someone is in distress, and they are being monitored? Think of how their heart rate escalates when someone walks in the room and causes it to spike. Perhaps it was someone who abused them or that person stirred up negative memories. That is how it is with him. When there is no mention of her and she has zero presence in his world, he is at a resting rate. The second something happens that involves her, it is another story. When she is mentioned in counselling, his body language tells it all. It is something about her, and our therapist is trying to find out what it is. However, he is like a person of interest who has lawyered up and decided not to say a word.

Let me tell you how I know it is just an issue with my ex. I went to the Pink concert last night with some of my new colleagues and a couple of new acquaintances. After, we had drinks and just socialised. He encouraged me to live a little and go out because I was with our children all day. The only thing he texted and asked was when I would be home? He only wanted to know so he could set the alarm accordingly. He was still awake when I got in. He asked about my night and if I had enjoyed myself? That was the extent of it. Now, if I had went out with Si, it would not have happened like that.

Transitioning to living mono was an adjustment. I am enjoying not living by a schedule/calendar. I am enjoying the spontaneity that I was missing. I am enjoying certain aspects. I am happy, and all of my needs are being met and surpassed. It is different to sleep in our bed every night. It is different to have more available time for my children and DH. Everything I did with my children yesterday would ordinarily have never happened. I would not have had the time. It is different to not always be in motion and wondering about who needs what or wants what. The time spent I once spent with her is now spent with my family or much needed alone time. I enjoy just reading a book and having tea. I enjoy going antique shopping and pampering myself. I am enjoying having time for myself and not squeezing it in between nursing, ballet recitals, date nights, work, family commitments, and the laundry list of responsibilities I had. It is different but a welcome change.
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  #523  
Old 07-08-2013, 04:58 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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FullofLove1052, I wonder if you might not be in a subconscious mourning phase for losing your relationship with Si? Every time you try to have a little of the old times with Si, there's Matt, afterwards, with his angry words and expressions, and you realize (again) that you can't have the life with Si that you used to. Si keeps getting pushed further and further onto the back burner. Now she will only have electronic contact with you (texts and that). It looks as if your relationship with Si is dying. I would expect you to be in a period of mourning about that.

I feel for all three of you in this situation. I can see how you would all three feel rejected, left out, etc. ... There must be some guilt at continually giving Si less and less of you. I share your sense of mourning in that sense. You are truly between a rock and a hard place.
No, I am not in mourning. I cannot even say I am sad. I am at peace. I had to make peace with what my life has come to. I dug this grave for myself, so complaining will do no one any good. I could stand in the hole and scream and bitch, but who is really going to hear it? There is no way this will ever be a healthy dynamic. It is simply impossible, and I have come to terms with that. It has taken 17 weeks to do so, but I am okay. I made the decision I saw fit to make: cutting her off, and I have pulled the plug on any poly related counselling sessions. It is a moot point.
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  #524  
Old 07-08-2013, 05:26 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Maybe you didnt want to spend a day with Matt's mom after she spent time asking Si difficult questions?


OTOH, maybe you're a privileged and spoiled little rich girl who wants all the candy. Your recount of the over the top party for your daughter (what 4 year old needs a full on spa day for her and several friends, AND shopping in a pink limo, AND lunch at a fancy restaurant, AND a fashion show AND shoot? Whatever happened to pizza, cake and ice cream at home with a few simple party games?)

And then you get your own party thrown by your parents, which exceeds the WEDDING parties of most people, just as a going away party.

It sounds like the lifestyle of a nouveau riche rapper that one would see on MTV.

Now I understand, you're on Matt's home turf. He's Australian! His critical mom is right there in your face! So, off you go to something that is yours, your gf, for an entire day. "Take THAT, MIL and Matt!"

Fucking things up with Matt all over again.

But never mind, you've got museums and zoos and shows coming up. $$$ will fix everything.
Money has nothing to do with this. Could I live off daddy's money and be set? Of course. Money does not fix everything because if it did, none of this would be a problem. Yet, it is. No amount of money can or will fix it. I created this monster.

I was not trying to stick it to Matt or my MIL. She lives in another part of the country, so I will not be seeing her every day. I have no desire to do that. She came to help for the week and to see our children. For the first time in 11.5 years of marriage, I was on good terms with her. This weekend did not blow over well with her. She did not say much, but she is disappointed in me.

And yes, I spent all of Monday with my children at museums, shows, and doing things with them. We moved to a new place, so yes, I do want them to experience new things. Was the day over the top? No. I have already said that I am not cut out to be a stay at home mum, so getting out of the house was a must. Matt was at work, and the city is very child-friendly. I prefer to get them involved in things with other children and encourage my oldest to be active. We went to a Disney themed morning tea, Chinese Museum for a treasure hunt, Snow White pantomime, Disney on Ice, and had lunch at an organic cafe. We made it home around 4:30. Just in time for them to take naps, while I started on dinner. These are things that they would have likely done with Nanny J. Sitting at home playing video games, watching television, and eating themselves silly does not appeal to me.
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  #525  
Old 07-08-2013, 05:39 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by monkeystyle View Post
Wealth or poverty doesn't define emotions or ethics or the ability to suffer. However, I do think the OP wants to have her cake and eat it too, but that's most people. Just makes her a bit immature. Again, like most people. In this case after following this thread for a while, the patterns are clear and the reasons for all the repeated issues are as well. There's very little left to contemplate, except for re-looping the same comments and issues over and over. The OP gets the logic, but lacks conviction in what she wants to do. No mystery about why.
I have to disagree with that. I cannot have the cake and eat it, too. I actually do not want to. IMC, it is either or. Matt or Si. I have been in this belief bubble of thinking that there was some way it would work out. Listening to people and their BS about giving it time. It has been weeks shy of five months, so holding on to that notion is a set-up for failure. I do not trust my judgement. I do not trust myself to balance a relationship. I do not trust myself to be able to handle two lives. I do not want to either.

The bubble has been popped, and I have accepted that a healthy dynamic is not possible. I cannot keep putting my marriage through this. At some point, you just have to ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" My answer now is a resounding hell no. What am I fighting for again? I am exhausted, and I know that I need to back away for good. Functional poly is not in my cards. I am dealing with it and leaving it at that. I can be anything I want to be, but practising it again is not going to happen. I have made it clear that I am not leaving my marriage for something I have even described as something that is not a need. It is a choice. I guess I have made my choice.
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  #526  
Old 07-08-2013, 06:34 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am not entirely sure if there was another way to handle things, but I have cut ties with my ex. This situation was unhealthy for all involved for numerous reasons. Clearly, my judgement is questionable, and I will never learn if I have a enabler of sorts in my life. She knew about the family day because I told her. In a scenario like that, I probably would want someone to tell me, "No, I can see you later. Go be with your family." I do not blame her for that. I should have known better. At church #1 on Sunday, it was said, "When you know better, you should do better." I knew better, and I still did not do it. In figuring out if it was worth it, I have to say no because I just caused a shit load of problems in my marriage in a moment of weakness. I missed out on priceless moments with my children. Did they take pictures? Yes, but it was not the same as seeing it live and in colour.

Did I need a break from my family? Actually, no. The ratio was 4:2. There were a few times throughout the week where Matt was like, "Go do something for yourself. I am taking them to lunch and to an art class, music playgroup, or to get hot chocolate." I had several breaks, so I was not burned out from being around him or our children. I was not even burned out from being around my MIL. I spent one full day with her. The other days we did certain things throughout the week like afternoon tea or lunch.

I know my DH's triggers, and yet, I keep pushing them. I know what he has been through, and my level of empathy has been questioned by our therapist. She thinks that I am not fully grasping the magnitude of what I did. She wants me to own up to it and take responsibility. I am being held accountable. I know what I/we did and how much of a role we played in things being the way they are now. I was in denial. "Oh, it was not that bad." Oh, it will get better in due time." It was that bad, and it was not just going to get better in time.

I am sorry about how things have worked out. All I can do is apologise to her. When this recovery journey began, I had faith that it would one day work out. I also had faith that we would be able to get back together. I know otherwise, and I hope she does not believe that I lead her on with no intentions of following through. It hurt me to break her heart again. I really have no idea what else to say.
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  #527  
Old 07-08-2013, 07:07 PM
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Sorry about the (final) break-up, for what it's worth. It sounds like it was for the best under the circumstances, but I know you didn't want to do that to Si.
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  #528  
Old 07-08-2013, 07:31 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
I have to disagree with that. I cannot have the cake and eat it, too. I actually do not want to. IMC, it is either or. Matt or Si. I have been in this belief bubble of thinking that there was some way it would work out. Listening to people and their BS about giving it time. It has been weeks shy of five months, so holding on to that notion is a set-up for failure. I do not trust my judgement. I do not trust myself to balance a relationship. I do not trust myself to be able to handle two lives. I do not want to either.

The bubble has been popped, and I have accepted that a healthy dynamic is not possible. I cannot keep putting my marriage through this. At some point, you just have to ask yourself, "Is it worth it?" My answer now is a resounding hell no. What am I fighting for again? I am exhausted, and I know that I need to back away for good. Functional poly is not in my cards. I am dealing with it and leaving it at that. I can be anything I want to be, but practising it again is not going to happen. I have made it clear that I am not leaving my marriage for something I have even described as something that is not a need. It is a choice. I guess I have made my choice.
For what it's worth, I hope I am wrong in my opinion above. After the back and forth in this thread over the last few months, I didn't want to read about it much anymore. Living it though....hard to imagine it. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.
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  #529  
Old 07-08-2013, 07:36 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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For what it's worth, I hope I am wrong in my opinion above. After the back and forth in this thread over the last few months, I didn't want to read about it much anymore. Living it though....hard to imagine it. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.
*shrug* I created this, so I have no one to blame but myself. There was no back and forth. I let go of the hope that it could ever be again. I could have saved many headaches and months if I had let that go in the beginning. I knew what it was, and I still wanted the outcome to be different. My decisions. My choices. My [continued] actions. There was no one who could stop this from spiralling any further than me. I may have hurt her, but I would rather do that than have to rise from the ashes again. Shit happens and life goes on. You live and you learn.
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  #530  
Old 07-08-2013, 07:38 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Sorry about the (final) break-up, for what it's worth. It sounds like it was for the best under the circumstances, but I know you didn't want to do that to Si.
No need to apologise. It is what it is. This was bound to happen, and it did.
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anger management, bisexual female, blame, break-ups, breaking up, changing loyalties, children, co-parenting, competition, coupledom, demanding partners, divorce, forgiveness, from poly to mono, healing, making excuses, married and polyamorous, poly co-parenting, poly to mono, primary/secondary, therapy, triad fallout, trust, vee dynamics, vee vs. triad

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