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  #11  
Old 07-07-2013, 09:44 PM
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Cool, that is nice to know
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  #12  
Old 07-07-2013, 10:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
That is our plan. I don't want to control, manipulate, or use someone for our benefit and then throw her away when things get tough or aren't fun anymore. That's not the type of people we are. I recognize that this person will be just that, a person with wants, needs, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Like I said, I am just trying to learn the best way of doing things and how to avoid making the common mistakes that couples make. I will do my best to be more aware of my wording so that it doesn't get interpreted differently than I intend.
Hi XO,

Here's the thing. You were happy in a relationship with a couple, when you were the unicorn? There was no jealousy, no rules like you could only have sex with both of them at once, etc?

Somehow you had good strong romantic feelings for both of them that were fairly equal?

That is as rare as hen's teeth. Too bad it ended for some reason.

Now, you're married, in a tight couple, even have a kid already despite your youth (must only be an infant or toddler?) You 2 want a woman to love you both equally.

You say you've read the very lengthy article about the pitfalls of unicorn hunting. OK. So, what happens if you (singular) fall deeply for this hypothetical woman, and she for you, and your h loves her too, but she doesnt love him, or even like him much? Or vice versa, he and she have a connection and she doesnt care for you, or you do not care for her? If there's a veto because things arent "equal" love-wise, hearts WILL be broken.

I'm speaking from experience. My ex h and I were unicorn hunters back in 1999 and went thru hell. He found a soul mate, I liked her and was attracted to her, however, she didnt care for me more than as an acquaintance, and indeed, saw me as a rival for his love. I vetoed her.

Our marriage took a huge hit and it was one of the factors in our divorce years later. This is serious life changing shit here. We thought it would be all fun and games and gooshy feelings and exciting 3way sex. Um. No.

(I'm still poly but I do not look for unicorns. I get my own lovers, and so do my partners.)
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #13  
Old 07-08-2013, 01:05 AM
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My husband and I have talked about "what happens if she only likes one of us, or vise versa." We both some aware of the possibility and in the event that happens then I think the relationship would branch off. I would like to think that in the event that happened I would accept that and let my husband and her have their own relationship. I want to say that I don't want to have veto power, and I don't want my husband to have that either. But I can't say because we have never been in a situation like that.

I did find a couple that, I will admit I was more attracted to the wife than the husband, but I did like him too and enjoyed his company just as well and as far as I can tell they both liked me too. It was actually supposed me to be a V relationship, I was supposed to be dating the husband. She and I got along great and after we slept together the first time it became a triad. There was no jealously that I could see and I actually felt more relaxed with them than I had felt in any other relationship. It really was an ideal situation, but I moved several hours away at college and the relationship was too new to with stand the distance. I guess I didn't realize at the time how rare that type of situation was.

So are you saying we shouldn't even bother taking the risk??
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  #14  
Old 07-08-2013, 01:37 AM
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Well, the way you did it that time is the natural way. Your couple didnt advertise for a unicorn, you just dated the guy and it turned out you liked the wife as well! It couldve gone bad if they werent experienced and he wasn't cool with you actually loving his wife "more."

I mean, I've got a bf now and he just so happens to get along well with my gf. They have a nice friendship. Friends with very occasional benefits. But miss pixi and I didnt advertise for a "man to complete our relationship," or to "add" or to "share 'our' love with" or anything like that. I got a bf, he and she got along, bada boom bada bing. And Ive been dating since I met my gf over 4 years ago. It took me 3 years to find a bf who became Mr Right, and also a good friend to miss pixi. 3 years!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #15  
Old 07-08-2013, 04:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
So are you saying we shouldn't even bother taking the risk??
No. I guess that what most of us here would tell you is to date separately from the start - don't expect, demand, or seek out only a triad. By doing that, basically what you are saying is that the relationship configuration is more important than the person! "We have this puzzle we want you to fit into." But what if you meet someone wonderful, who is entirely different from the idea/ideal you have in your head?

It is much more likely to work out if a triad develops naturally and gradually out of a partnership that starts between someone and just one or the other of you. Be open to all possibilities - you could miss out on someone really spectacular who is totally right for you, or for him, but not the other, if you only insist that person has to be and fall in love with both of you. What happens if you meet a man who totally intrigues you and to whom you're very attracted and you find you hit it off and would be very compatible? What happens if your husband goes ga-ga for a straight woman? Are you both going to say, "Oh, no, that will not do at all. The universe didn't really mean to send that person my way. It goes against all our plans! Nope, can't do it. Hot bi babe for the both of us only please. Next!"

It is just assuming and expecting too much to say WE want to date someone together who will be a gf for both of us at the same time. That's an awful lot of pressure to put on someone who is just expressing interest - in poly, you still go through stages of getting to know someone as you date, you can't expect a person to be in relationship with both of you simultaneously and instantaneously!


Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
I would like to think that in the event that happened I would accept that and let my husband and her have their own relationship. I want to say that I don't want to have veto power, and I don't want my husband to have that either. But I can't say because we have never been in a situation like that.
You would "let" your husband? Be very careful with this mode of thinking. Is he your child or employee? Does he really need your permission to live his life and develop relationships with people?

Instead of letting him, you accept that he has another relationship, let him know that you are okay with it (consent), and agree with him that your marriage is strong enough that you can support each other having multiple relationships. You voice your opinion if you're not happy with something, but he makes his own choices. And so do you.

There is a distinction between the two -- it's either ownership, control, and codependency, OR partnership, trust, and autonomy.

Just imagine being someone who falls in love with only one person in a couple and then has that relationship ripped away from them, only because the person's spouse is insecure. Imagine your husband deeply in pain over the loss of someone he has grown to care about and love, just because you're not sure it's okay for him to have someone without you being involved.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-08-2013 at 04:20 AM.
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  #16  
Old 07-08-2013, 09:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xotheladyxo View Post
I don't want to have veto power, and I don't want my husband to have that either. But I can't say because we have never been in a situation like that.
Veto power is not something you gain like an extra power when you reach another level on game. Veto power is an agreement you make a conscious decision. so if you don't want veto power, you decide before hand that you won't have veto power.

Does that make sense to you?
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  #17  
Old 07-08-2013, 02:59 PM
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No, nycindie, my husband is not my child or employee or anything that I would control. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I meant that I would like to think that I would be comfortable with it and wouldn't have any conflicting feelings about him having a separate relationship. Not that I would give him permission to do so. I apologize again for my wording.

Yes, Natja, that does make sense. I just meant that I didn't want veto power to be an option in the relationship. I would much rather talk, and make decisions as the three of us instead of being the one that puts the end to things because I am unhappy.

I'm realizing I am horrible at articulating what I mean.

If my husband and I found a woman together and it only worked out that one of us really hit it off with her then I would like to think that it would be okay. That we would all be comfortable with it and it could branch off and all be okay. I want to think there would be no jealousy or any issues. I really think that I would be comfortable in the situation, but I'm not positive my husband would be as comfortable if she and I were the ones that ended up hitting it off and things didn't quite work out with them. The whole reason I thought it would be better to do this as a couple instead of dating separately was because I thought it would be easier on my husband. He is open minded to polyamory, we have had many discussions where he agrees that this should be the normal way of things, HOWEVER he has a hard time with jealousy. Should we (or I) just avoid polyamory all together because he is a jealous person? Should I not bother involving another person into a relationship where he might get upset and uncomfortable and then no longer allow me to see her? (And that time I meant allow) I would be comfortable dating separately, but I'm not sure my husband would be. No, I have not even suggested this to him so I don't know for sure how he will react, but he is my husband and I know him pretty well and I don't think he would go for it. . .What do I do then?
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  #18  
Old 07-08-2013, 04:15 PM
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I am sorry that is really difficult but the truth is that jealousy avoidance is the numero uno worst triad assumption. It really doesn't help at all and I am sorry you have become so invested in that model and ideal, it's pretty hard to get that out of the system.
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  #19  
Old 07-08-2013, 04:26 PM
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I am sorry that is really difficult but the truth is that jealousy avoidance is the numero uno worst triad assumption. It really doesn't help at all and I am sorry you have become so invested in that model and ideal, it's pretty hard to get that out of the system.
Yeah, I'm almost ready to just give up and stick to my monogamous marriage. This is something I really wanted. It didn't have to be a triad for me, but that was the configuration that we thought would work best for us. I guess I was wrong. I'm not sure any configuration is going to work if my husband is jealous and I don't want to put him in a position where he would be uncomfortable or unhappy.

I'm feeling defeated. We wanted to find a way to make this work, but from all I have read and heard. . .maybe it's just impossible.
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  #20  
Old 07-08-2013, 05:06 PM
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I am sorry it really does sound difficult.

Could I hazard a guess that this is more important to you because you would like a relationship with a woman? Could you perhaps take some time to read some books together? Maybe your husband can work on his jealousy issues and eventually become secure enough to open your relationship without condition?
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