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  #511  
Old 07-06-2013, 07:57 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Not totally be a buzz kill, but all he said was "Sam stuff. Different continent." Isn't that pretty much accurate though? At this point he doesn't want to know or see anything about you and Si. Well, when he does, what he sees is that you choose her. You choose her over him. Over the kids, over family bonding. I love my boyfriend, and even if he was in town for only a week, if there was a day like that, at a park then dinner than a movie, I'd be with my kids and hubby. Boyfriend would understand, and hey I might even check with kids and hubby if boyfriend can join us for part of it. Maybe the movie, or dinner, or just for a bit at the park in the beginning and then the rest of the day for the family.

Now I get that Matt was probably not EVEN going to consider Si being there for part of the day, but what was so hard about spending a family day with family? I would be upset if positions were reversed too. I get it, Matt is a bad bad man. He no like poly! He no like Si. He no want to see it!

You mentioned that if that had been a test, you would have failed it. Sadly, it was a test. It may not have been set up as one, it wasn't intentional but when you are rebuilding trust and a relationship, all these little things are tests. He's upset because you not only failed, you epically failed. Why would he want to consider poly or Si in his life again when the choice always comes down to her? That's the way he is probably feeling and most likely quite a bit of disappointment.

So yes, bad Matt, no like poly. Has he had any reason to??
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  #512  
Old 07-06-2013, 08:43 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
Not totally be a buzz kill, but all he said was "Same stuff. Different continent." Isn't that pretty much accurate though? At this point he doesn't want to know or see anything about you and Si. Well, when he does, what he sees is that you choose her. You choose her over him. Over the kids, over family bonding. I love my boyfriend, and even if he was in town for only a week, if there was a day like that, at a park then dinner than a movie, I'd be with my kids and hubby. Boyfriend would understand, and hey I might even check with kids and hubby if boyfriend can join us for part of it. Maybe the movie, or dinner, or just for a bit at the park in the beginning and then the rest of the day for the family.
It is accurate. I cannot even argue with that because I did slip back in to my old habits. I understand why he is upset. He has every right to be. I am sorry I missed it. It would not have killed me to join them at the movies or dinner. I left home after breakfast, and when I did get back, they were getting ready for bed. I missed an entire day of bonding, so yes, he should be pissed.

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Now I get that Matt was probably not EVEN going to consider Si being there for part of the day, but what was so hard about spending a family day with family? I would be upset if positions were reversed too. I get it, Matt is a bad bad man. He no like poly! He no like Si. He no want to see it!
No, he did not want her there. He is not bad. He does not trust her or particularly care to be around her. He desperately needs a break without her being part of his/our world. He does not want her around our children. Period. There was nothing hard about it. My child is going to school in a bit over a week, and this is the first time I have had uninterrupted time to be with them. No work phone going off. No off the wall hours. No trying to catch a nap in my free time. Instead of taking advantage of this time, I chose to spend the time with my ex. I see why I do not trust my own judgement. My children's nanny had the day off, and she was with them, too. So yes. What he sees when he does give me the chance to prove that things will be different is that I have not changed at all, and I am falling in to the same habits once again. I keep proving him right and making him feel like the vicious cycle is about to hit repeat.

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You mentioned that if that had been a test, you would have failed it. Sadly, it was a test. It may not have been set up as one, it wasn't intentional but when you are rebuilding trust and a relationship, all these little things are tests. He's upset because you not only failed, you epically failed. Why would he want to consider poly or Si in his life again when the choice always comes down to her? That's the way he is probably feeling and most likely quite a bit of disappointment.
I epically failed and then some. Our therapist just warned me about this, and I failed the first test.

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So yes, bad Matt, no like poly. Has he had any reason to??
He has every reason not to like it and want no part of it. He has every right to not like something that brings negativity and ill feelings. He has no reason to like it. There is nothing in it for him. There are no benefits. It always comes down to him or her--usually with her being the chosen one. It always amounts to a massive disappointment.
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  #513  
Old 07-07-2013, 01:47 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Our therapist posed something upon me that I wanted to expand on in a separate post. It made me think. Actually, I am still thinking. She asked me, "Is it possible that you love your husband more than her? Everything you both have described seems like you were trying to compensate for something that was missing in your relationship with her." She did not want me to answer it out loud, but she did interject a different perspective that was needed.

For the record, I have never believed in quantifying love, but I have also never believed that you can love two entirely different people "equally." Love is supposed to be love, but do I feel more connected to him? Yes. Do I feel a stronger bond with him? Yes. Which relationship did I choose to fight for? The marriage with him. I love them differently, but is it possible that I love my DH more than I love her? The thought has crossed my mind, but I dispelled that notion because it was just ludicrous. Love is love...right?

The way she broke it down was: Matt and I are married. My ex and I will never be able to do that--unless I divorce him and marry her. I am not doing that. She does not believe in marriage any way. Matt and I have children. Biologically, the two of us cannot procreate. Her opinion is that my subconscious reaction to that reality was to grant her parental rights, a deciding vote/veto power (no pitting one parent against the other with a neutral party involved), and the available time had to split amongst three parents. Matt and I shared a residence. I was not willing to live with him half of the time and her half of the time. I wanted to give my children stability in one place, and Matt would have fought to the death if I dared to treat him like a part-time parent. We once tried cohabitation, but once we all realised that it would not work, it was time for something else. Plan B. Si started spending more time at our home via occasional overnight visits, dinner, and so on. She asked me if I ever considered that my DH had burned out from her? He was seeing her at work, and then, he would get off and see her that night and sometimes the following morning. (At some points, it was most of the week.) She also asked me, "At what point did you and your husband have time for your marriage if she was around and presumably needing or wanting your time? I understand that you were trying to spend an equal amount of time with them to level it out. It may have worked for you and her, but where did that leave him? Vying for your attention. He is still having to do now. You have to change." Her opinion is that I was trying to compensate for probably not loving her as much as him and for not being able to do all of the things I could do with him--with her. Our therapist's strong is opinion is that all of my past, present, and possibly future actions were and will be to balance things out and make them even, which was and will continue to be impossible because there is a veto from a key party; my DH.

Off the record, she gave it to me. If I do not change, he is going to leave me because no one always wants to be in a competition. She asked me if I ever wondered why the past several weeks have been blissful? I said, "She has not been a vital part of our lives, and our only focus was on healing our marriage and family." She also that if she were me, she would cut off all contact with Si because when I am with her, I forget all the progress that has been made and revert back to the strongholds of my old habits because they are comfortable. She described her as the forbidden apple in the Garden of Eden. "The look of the forbidden fruit may lure you in with temptation, but it will kill your marriage."

Matt and I talked a couple of hours ago. He was still pissed--with reason. He said, "You are doing the same things again. Choosing her over our children and our family. What was your excuse for not seeing us the whole day?" I said, "I do not have one." He laughed and said, "You just do not get it. I wish I would not have talked to her in May. Maybe she would still be in London and not here. We have not been here a week, and I wish she would go back." We agreed to take a breather and reconvene with cooler heads.

I am going to take her off the record advice and cut off all [physical] contact with my ex. I may continue to talk to her via e-mail and text, but by removing the physical/face-to-face aspect, it removes the pressure that Matt feels to be accommodating and accepting of something that continues to be a trigger for him. It eliminates the competitive aspect. Every setback we have experienced has involved her, and I was in denial. By limiting contact, I have to break free from what is comfortable and familiar like those strongholds. I have to step in to uncharted territory. As long as she is around as a potential love interest, no good will come from it. At this point, I believe this is for the best. I am open to suggestions, though.

I am off to bed. I am spending the whole week with my little duckies. Matt is going back to work tomorrow. We will be at everything from Disney on Ice to carnivals to museums to going to the park. I need to be well-rested because my children are going to keep me on my feet.
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  #514  
Old 07-07-2013, 02:35 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Why can't you just do what you know is right instead of repeatedly fucking up then saying "oh woe i am so bad and wrong. I must cut myself off from temptation. I must repent." then you do the SAME SAME SAME thing a week or two later. It's getting predictable and boring. I don't even check this blog or read every word of it but literally every time i do it's the same thing. You not following through with what you know is right and then feeling bad. Wah wah wah.


Do you have too much time, too much money, or what? I don't know how you people manage, i really don't.
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  #515  
Old 07-07-2013, 02:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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The way I see it, Matt is a very mean bully and Ry is a rebel, so there is always friction.
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  #516  
Old 07-07-2013, 03:16 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is online now
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Maybe you didnt want to spend a day with Matt's mom after she spent time asking Si difficult questions?


OTOH, maybe you're a privileged and spoiled little rich girl who wants all the candy. Your recount of the over the top party for your daughter (what 4 year old needs a full on spa day for her and several friends, AND shopping in a pink limo, AND lunch at a fancy restaurant, AND a fashion show AND shoot? Whatever happened to pizza, cake and ice cream at home with a few simple party games?)

And then you get your own party thrown by your parents, which exceeds the WEDDING parties of most people, just as a going away party.

It sounds like the lifestyle of a nouveau riche rapper that one would see on MTV.

Now I understand, you're on Matt's home turf. He's Australian! His critical mom is right there in your face! So, off you go to something that is yours, your gf, for an entire day. "Take THAT, MIL and Matt!"

Fucking things up with Matt all over again.

But never mind, you've got museums and zoos and shows coming up. $$$ will fix everything.
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-07-2013 at 03:25 PM.
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  #517  
Old 07-07-2013, 05:59 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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FullofLove1052, I wonder if you might not be in a subconscious mourning phase for losing your relationship with Si? Every time you try to have a little of the old times with Si, there's Matt, afterwards, with his angry words and expressions, and you realize (again) that you can't have the life with Si that you used to. Si keeps getting pushed further and further onto the back burner. Now she will only have electronic contact with you (texts and that). It looks as if your relationship with Si is dying. I would expect you to be in a period of mourning about that.

I feel for all three of you in this situation. I can see how you would all three feel rejected, left out, etc. ... There must be some guilt at continually giving Si less and less of you. I share your sense of mourning in that sense. You are truly between a rock and a hard place.
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  #518  
Old 07-07-2013, 07:14 PM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Maybe you didnt want to spend a day with Matt's mom after she spent time asking Si difficult questions?


OTOH, maybe you're a privileged and spoiled little rich girl who wants all the candy. Your recount of the over the top party for your daughter (what 4 year old needs a full on spa day for her and several friends, AND shopping in a pink limo, AND lunch at a fancy restaurant, AND a fashion show AND shoot? Whatever happened to pizza, cake and ice cream at home with a few simple party games?)

And then you get your own party thrown by your parents, which exceeds the WEDDING parties of most people, just as a going away party.

It sounds like the lifestyle of a nouveau riche rapper that one would see on MTV.

Now I understand, you're on Matt's home turf. He's Australian! His critical mom is right there in your face! So, off you go to something that is yours, your gf, for an entire day. "Take THAT, MIL and Matt!"

Fucking things up with Matt all over again.

But never mind, you've got museums and zoos and shows coming up. $$$ will fix everything.
Wealth or poverty doesn't define emotions or ethics or the ability to suffer. However, I do think the OP wants to have her cake and eat it too, but that's most people. Just makes her a bit immature. Again, like most people. In this case after following this thread for a while, the patterns are clear and the reasons for all the repeated issues are as well. There's very little left to contemplate, except for re-looping the same comments and issues over and over. The OP gets the logic, but lacks conviction in what she wants to do. No mystery about why.
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  #519  
Old 07-08-2013, 01:58 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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One thing that I don't think Matt understands in all of this is you can't just tell someone to stop loving someone else. Ry and Si's feelings for each other are real. They're not just going to magically go away because Matt doesn't want to share his wife any more.

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe she needed a break from spending time with her husband; needed a bit of girl time away from him and his family? To suddenly go from living near her family to living thousands of miles away near his family is a huge change. I bet Matt would be happy if she didn't make any friends and spent her while life focused solely on him and the children, but that wouldn't be fair to Ry. She's worlds away from home, ofcourse she reached out to a friendly face. Yeah, she fell back into old habits, but I really don't believe that it's ever possible to put the poly genie back in the bottle. Once you've known multiple love, you can never go back to being mono, thinking mono, etc and for Ry, who has never been mono before, it has to be doubly hard to try to adjust. It's like asking a mono person to be poly. I really hope that you find a balance that works for everyone.
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  #520  
Old 07-08-2013, 04:26 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
but I really don't believe that it's ever possible to put the poly genie back in the bottle. Once you've known multiple love, you can never go back to being mono, thinking mono, etc.
I've seen far too many people switch back from one to the other. It's certainly possible, because it happens. And a lot of folks never look back.

In this particular thread, obviously someone's going to crack, eventually. Probably Matt or the OP, based on how they handle conflict. Si just has to sit back and wait for it.
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