Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #31  
Old 07-06-2013, 12:05 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
Sounds like "Well, cheating isn't all that bad."
Is that what it sounds like to your ears? Awesome, run with that. It isn't reality, because thus far *you* are the only person who has said that.

Thus far I haven't seen anyone make anything close to this statement (including the one you quoted, which doesn't say anything like that)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
(FYI, if you go to jail for breaking into houses, and a housebreaking happens in your area after you've paid your debt to society, guess who they're going to have questions for?)
What are you talking about?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
I think he's still more upset than even HE realizes
Who knows. There are volumes of discussions on how to deal with feelings about deception on these boards. It seems like such a common starting ground for people to come to consensual non-monogamy; it's a real shame that this is how people absently stumble into something that, if approached reasonably can be so fantastic.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 07-06-2013, 02:03 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,784
Default

Just curious, why did the woman in question cheat in the first place?

Why did she choose the wife of your psycho cousin to be with to "explore her bisexuality," of all people, and then, what compelled her to fuck this dude you seem to hate, not just drunk at a wedding, but repeatedly?


And why, of all the people in the world again, did you choose to fuck one of your wife's best friends?

I mean, yeah, you and her had a flirtation going back years, but why did it end up hurting your wife so much to have you have her good friend as a lover, to the point she lost her friend?

You two have some deep issues and odd ways of torturing each other.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 07-06-2013, 02:15 AM
graviton graviton is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 158
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Just curious, why did the woman in question cheat in the first place?

Why did she choose the wife of your psycho cousin to be with to "explore her bisexuality," of all people, and then, what compelled her to fuck this dude you seem to hate, not just drunk at a wedding, but repeatedly?


And why, of all the people in the world again, did you choose to fuck one of your wife's best friends?

I mean, yeah, you and her had a flirtation going back years, but why did it end up hurting your wife so much to have you have her good friend as a lover, to the point she lost her friend?

You two have some deep issues and odd ways of torturing each other.
good question. She claims she felt neglected by me because I had to work so many weekends and spent considerable time prepping for my certification exams. My cousin and his wife flirted and made her feel special. They gave her NRE (married 17yrs). I chose her friend because the chemistry between us is unlike anything I have ever felt and we have known each other a while so it was an easy fit. We are not sexual, we date and flirt and cuddle. She hasn't lost her friend, its that she feels weird about her and my relation and doesn't feel she can share with her friend the kinds of things she use to... like bitch about me.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 07-06-2013, 02:52 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,784
Default

Ohhh, doesn't she know the main use for a metamour is to sit around and bitch about the shared lover?

But seriously, dude, you and your wife have issues. If she was neglected when you were busy with school, now is the time for more togetherness and FUN together to reconnect. "Marriage in trouble, add more people" is a mistake in poly.

Now is not the time to shower love and attention on your gf while your wife sits in the corner and beats her breast for succumbing to NRE without your approval. Where do you expect to be a year from now? 5 years?

It could be a good time for some rekindling of your former romantic feelings FOR EACH OTHER. Do you date? Make love frequently? Give each other little gifts? Sit and cuddle with a beverage and some music playing with candles lit? Take walks, go on day trips?

Being poly means loving more than one. Maybe it's time to love your wife up (instead of just the gf), understand she was in a desperate position (to have had sex with your hated cousin, she must have been really desperate). If it takes therapy, go for it!
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 07-06-2013, 07:01 AM
graviton graviton is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 158
Default

that's the puzzling thing, we had sex at least once a day. Good horny sex that always pleased me and always gave her orgasms. We had frequent dates without the kids, more than any of our friends ever did. We had day trips and overnights at hotels. We cuddled when watching TV on the couch. People described our marriage in flattering terms and the ones who know are quite shocked. As you can imagine my desire to shower her with that kind of attention, the kind she was getting BEFORE her affair is minimal at best. She did confess to the excitement of sneaking which is what troubles me the most.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 07-06-2013, 11:45 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,784
Default

Well this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by graviton View Post
that's the puzzling thing, we had sex at least once a day. Good horny sex that always pleased me and always gave her orgasms. We had frequent dates without the kids, more than any of our friends ever did. We had day trips and overnights at hotels. We cuddled when watching TV on the couch. People described our marriage in flattering terms and the ones who know are quite shocked. As you can imagine my desire to shower her with that kind of attention, the kind she was getting BEFORE her affair is minimal at best. She did confess to the excitement of sneaking which is what troubles me the most.
Seems in conflict with this:

Quote:
She claims she felt neglected by me because I had to work so many weekends and spent considerable time prepping for my certification exams. My cousin and his wife flirted and made her feel special. They gave her NRE.
So, which is it? Was she pampered and dated, or neglected at home with 2 young sons while you worked and studied?

Does she work outside the home? Did she lose herSELF being a mom? Happens often that all the work entailed in being a parent can make one feel like a Mom Machine and lose track of one's own interests...

If things were so great, as you claim, and she is claiming otherwise, outright neglect, you 2 might need more than some internet strangers to work this out. Professional counseling is probably in order.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 07-06-2013, 05:07 PM
graviton graviton is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 158
Default

Magdlyn it was both. We really did have at least what I considered and many of our friends and family considered a perfect relationship in the loving way. I don't think its an either or proposition. She was at home alone a lot with the kids while I worked but we also routinely (weekly) got a babysitter and went on dates. Day trips and overnights when my patents would come up to care for the boys, maybe once every two months.

There is no doubt the kids can be overwhelming. I pushed for her to get a job to get out during the day. But she refused she wanted to be a stay at home mom like all her friends. I make a good living for our family so we even had a house cleaner occasionally and my wife had the ability to get together with her other mom friends and go places with the kids with no worries about money due to gas or entrance fees to zoos or whatnot. I'm telling you her life was about as good as anyone could hope for as a stay at home mom. I know husbands that worked worse hours for far less pay, spouses with terrible communication skills and sex lives compared to ours and none of them had an affair with a cousin (as far as I know). I ventured into poly knowing that a good solid marriage would be necessary to deal with the insecurities. I always do my homework thoroughly before venturing into something new.
Could I have been more romantic or attentive? Probably...we had been married for 17yrs, we have two kids, you guys know how stagnant relationships can get. We are both college educated with advanced degrees not low income uneducated jerry springer types, although I now feel like I belong on that show. I never in a million years would have guessed that our relationship could become this disfunctional or that she would dream of cheating on me. I'm at a loss for how it happened. Her fucking him while drunk I understand. Her continuing the affair for months after and lying to me and making me feel stupid and paranoid until I had to give her an ultimatum to come clean...I just can't comprehend how she could be that way. I don't expect you guys to solve my problems. I'm just curious how each of you view it and what your opinions are. Nothing has been said thus far that surprises me or that I haven't thought of myself except for the accusations on how cruel or unforgiving I am. You guys have opened my eyes to the fact that perhaps I have not forgiven her as much as I thought. I think I know in my heart I will never fully forgive her. There will always be pain associated with these memories and every time I have to see, hear about, or think about my cousin. That's the take away from this...never lend money to family, never do business with family, and never fuck family. You can't escape family should you need to.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 07-06-2013, 06:37 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 747
Default

A friend of mine once had an affair. It was long ago, and I can't remember how it came about, but she told me something I would have never thought of. She said that once it started, the only way she could allay the terrible guilt was to convince herself it was a viable option and continue it. The only thing that alleviated her horrible feelings was being with the guy she had an affair with - although it compounded the guilt.

Perhaps your wife experienced something similar?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:12 AM.