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  #371  
Old 06-22-2013, 05:41 PM
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Default Changing needs and priorities

Vanilla and Pistachio are in the process of changing their relationship dynamics from primary to secondary, with him eventually moving out. This might take a full year, though.

It will mean that both me and Vanilla lack a primary while dating each other in a secondary mindset. It's new and exciting, first time I will be flying solo in the poly world.

I've noticed that my needs and priorities have changed when it comes to poly. I no longer find it necessary to have a primary of my own in order to be a good secondary.
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  #372  
Old 06-23-2013, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It also might help to discuss with people their habits when it comes to messaging. Do they ignore everything until they have time to deal with it later, do they answer everything immediately or do they have to think about things for hours before responding, etc.
Yes, different messaging habits are irritating. Like I almost always answer right away, even if I'm busy.

I did the 5 love languages test and found out my love language is physical touch. And that's so true! I often reach out and touch people I love.

The biggest hurdle in most relationships I think is not to do unto your partner what you would have done unto you, but to get to know what your partner actually prefers and acting accordingly.
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  #373  
Old 06-24-2013, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Yes, different messaging habits are irritating. Like I almost always answer right away, even if I'm busy.
It does help to understand others styles. If you know they won't answer right away, then when your hit with the "OMG, they are ignoring me", you can rationally talk your self back to reality. "No, they're not! They just don't respond when they are busy."

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The biggest hurdle in most relationships I think is not to do unto your partner what you would have done unto you, but to get to know what your partner actually prefers and acting accordingly.
Agree!!!! This is hard to remember and it takes work, but it's work well worth it.
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  #374  
Old 06-28-2013, 02:54 PM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Okay, so this doesn't have a direct bearing to polyamory, but relates to healing and becoming a whole person, so I'll share.

This morning I got my very first tattoo ever. It is located on my solar plexus and has the following text; 2. Cor. 12:9.

The Bible verse it refers to is, following the New International Translation, this one;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I have struggled with panic disorder, and I chose the solar plexus because that part of my body is where I first feel an attack coming. For all of you fellow polys, monos and intererested who have 'a thorn in your flesh', be you of whatever religious persuasion or none, I wish the most glorious day!
I haven't gotten through all the pages yet, but this grabbed my attention. Just wanted to say that's a beautiful verse and also that I struggle with panic as well. I often feel it a lot like how you describe. Wishing you love and light in your journey.
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  #375  
Old 06-30-2013, 06:50 PM
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Thank you, Jade! Lots of love and blessings to you too.

I've been looking back upon my relationships with Vanilla and Moonlight, and figuring what exactly went wrong. I think a lot of it was inexperience with poly, especially with NRE. I quit my relationship with Moonlight, not because I didn't love him but because I felt this intense connection with Vanilla. My NRE wit Moonlight was over and my NRE with Vanilla was still going strong.

Then with Vanilla, we repeatedly did stupid NRE decisions when it came to new people we were dating. I feel that if we had a little more understanding and patience when it came to NRE, we could have made it. It also makes me hopeful that we might get it right this time, now that we know what to look out for.
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  #376  
Old 07-03-2013, 08:51 AM
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Had our first date with Moonlight yesterday. I have a plan of visiting them every two weeks for a Friday to Sunday sleepover. Windflower has given her preliminary consent to the plan, but she still needs to think it through. I understand her; I will become a big part of their family life if the plan goes through.

Windflower also asked we keep PDA to the minimum in front of the kids. Cupcake begins preschool in the autumn and Windflower doesn't want the first thing to explain to the staff to be our situation. Since Moonlight had his vasectomy, I also need to get tested for STDs before we can move on to barrier free sex.
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  #377  
Old 07-05-2013, 03:27 PM
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So I met Vanilla yesterday and she said that although she enjoys my company she would wish that I don't text her all the time. It's a small request but it hurt me badly. I just want her to know I think about her during the day.
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  #378  
Old 07-05-2013, 06:22 PM
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BU, I am really wondering why you went back to Vanilla. In addition to having BPD, wasn't she quite abusive to you? Don't you think you can meet new people, more loving and nurturing people, to have in your life?
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  #379  
Old 07-05-2013, 07:57 PM
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The problem is that I've never really stopped loving her. And while I think I might meet other people, I have a hard time believing that I could find someone to share such a deep connection with.
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  #380  
Old 07-10-2013, 06:44 PM
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I joined a gym yesterday and had a meeting with a personal trainer today. I'm finally getting serious about losing that 30 pounds or so. Go me!

I also saw Cookie today. He is still very depressed and is desperately looking for that one woman who will make all his problems go away. I suspect he might have Aspergers.
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Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 07-10-2013 at 06:47 PM.
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