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  #41  
Old 07-05-2013, 12:37 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Throughout this entire thread, your posts have basically said, "i had misgivings about this from the very beginning and decided to go along with it against my better judgement. Now that things have turned out the way my gut feelings knew they would, i can't BELIEVE i rank lower than a farm animal. Say something to make me feel better. Don't give me a reality check, or I'll complain that you suck at giving free advice."
  #42  
Old 07-05-2013, 12:54 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Throughout this entire thread, your posts have basically said, "i had misgivings about this from the very beginning and decided to go along with it against my better judgement. Now that things have turned out the way my gut feelings knew they would, i can't BELIEVE i rank lower than a farm animal. Say something to make me feel better. Don't give me a reality check, or I'll complain that you suck at giving free advice."
You know what, that's not at all what I've said. Why don't you go back & actually read all of the things I've written where I have repeatedly taken responsibility for my part in this. If you just read what I wrote to a recent post, I thanked for her wise & honest advice. Now I can block you & London so I can see less useless advice. Yes, you are boring & boorish.
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

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Last edited by Hetaera; 07-05-2013 at 12:58 PM.
  #43  
Old 07-05-2013, 01:03 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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I should change the title of this thread to say "He allowed his wife to end the relationship"...in the end. I only have myself to blame for my own unhappiness. What boringguy said is completely untrue & pointless....I am exploring my feelings & am being helped immensely by most of what is being written here. I do accept responsibility for my feelings even though J & his wife are confused & allowed their confusion to hurt me, which they have fully admitted to me.
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

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  #44  
Old 07-05-2013, 02:08 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
This is literally ONE TIME that I am asking him to do something for me. I have never once, once, made a demand on his time & he acknowledged that. All he said is he'd "think about it" not even that he "try". It's not even the break up that's upsetting me anymore, it's the being treating as a 2nd class citizen
At this point, I'm wondering what this night of closure will give you?
Why allow yourself to be treated as a 2nd class citizen? In what direction is your self-worth going to go if you tell him to pound sand, rather than giving him that one more night?

You're angry at yourself for not putting your foot down in the beginning. There's nothing that says you can't put it down now and start the healing.
  #45  
Old 07-05-2013, 02:14 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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At this point, I'm wondering what this night of closure will give you?
Why allow yourself to be treated as a 2nd class citizen? In what direction is your self-worth going to go if you tell him to pound sand, rather than giving him that one more night?

You're angry at yourself for not putting your foot down in the beginning. There's nothing that says you can't put it down now and start the healing.
You are 100% right. Just this morning, I actually just told him that I don't know if/when I will see him again & that I don't know if I can remain friends with him b/c of the way he's treated me. Yes, I accepted it, but he still treated me this way, someone he supposedly cared for, someone he supposedly love. Not my definition of caring, love or friendship. I'm slowly starting to get it. Time will tell. I asked him for more time our last night together, if he complies, I will probably see him, if not, I'm probably going to end it completely & not even bother with being friends. No friend would treat another friend the way he has treated me. I need to start valuing myself more. Lessons learned.
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen

Last edited by Hetaera; 07-05-2013 at 02:27 PM.
  #46  
Old 07-05-2013, 02:39 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
It's not even the break up that's upsetting me anymore, it's the being treating as a 2nd class citizen the whole time we've been seeing each other that doesn't rate as high as a barnyard animal. And shame on me for accepting it. Yeah, maybe I'm just exhausted from taking care of a sick kid & a 2 yr old that won't sleep past 5.30 am & I have a slightly bruised heart & ego, but it still seems pretty shitty to me. I think this man is sweet but incredibly selfish.

And I just keep wondering what kind of person actively looks for a girlfriend while his wife just had a baby? I asked over & over & over again if he was sure she was ok with it & even talked to her about it. Am I an idiot? Plus his ex-wife was an apparent nyphomaniac (I'm at a loss for a better term) & this one was practically a virgin. Very very strange.
Having a sick child is a lot to contend with on top of this. I am sure exhaustion is probably playing a role in how you are processing this. I so sorry you are hurting.

The thing of it is, however their relationship works (or doesn't), they play certain roles to each other. You were fulfilling a different need in him - one that he will now still require, but be denied because of his wife's demand.

I understand being that person who fulfilled a different need. When I first joined my last couple, it became apparent that she was far more needy than she showed in public. Like a child, she demanded her husband be responsible for how she felt / coped, etc. One of the things the husband told me early on was, "it is so nice that I don't have to take care of your feelings." I thought it an odd thing to say, but the reason quickly became apparent as he was so overburdened.

So you may have been the fun lover, the person he could be with - even if just for a few hours - that gave him a time with no responsibilities. For him, you probably seemed like a wonderful gift.

The thing of it is, the person who makes demands, the wife, the person to whom he feels obligation, will always win out in the short run. Whether that remains true over the course of time remains to be seen. For my couple, her needy, demanding, and subsequent refusal to entertain growing up and acting like an adult ended in divorce a year after I was out of the picture.
  #47  
Old 07-05-2013, 02:52 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
The thing of it is, the person who makes demands, the wife, the person to whom he feels obligation, will always win out in the short run. Whether that remains true over the course of time remains to be seen. For my couple, her needy, demanding, and subsequent refusal to entertain growing up and acting like an adult ended in divorce a year after I was out of the picture.
1st of all, thanks for the sympathy, I need it right now. He cheated on her once way back once when she withheld sex over a minor surgical procedure on her cervix. I'm the only one he told & I could tell that he felt awful about it. I predict that they will have big problems in the future & no matter how much he says she loves him, he will never be satisfied with her. His sexual appetite is way too great for what she can & will offer him. Not my problem. I would never be with someone who was a sexual mismatch for me, been there, done that.

I need to think about me & not them. My life is full, my other lover is coming to visit me this weekend. I just need time to work thru my feelings & we'll where I end up. I have therapy in about an hour. Yay!

Thanks for all the wonderful, wise words. It more than makes up for the few jerks!
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen
  #48  
Old 07-05-2013, 03:07 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Enjoy your weekend!

One more thing, I doubt that either of them intended to hurt you. I know that doesn't help much. But confused people do some really weird shit. I had to learn to listen to my gut feelings the hard way too.
  #49  
Old 07-05-2013, 03:14 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
You know what, that's not at all what I've said. Why don't you go back & actually read all of the things I've written where I have repeatedly taken responsibility for my part in this. If you just read what I wrote to a recent post, I thanked for her wise & honest advice. Now I can block you & London so I can see less useless advice. Yes, you are boring & boorish.

That's ok; other people read my posts and get something useful out of them. As i type this, i promise that there are at least a dozen "lurkers" reading my posts who will never register or post here and see themselves in your situation and read my posts and say "eureka". So, it isn't REALLY all about YOU, whether you realize it or not. I know you think this thread is your personal, private, safe space, but that does not make it in fact the case.

Since you won't be reading this, you won't learn that there is a Life Stories & Blogs section on here where you can keep your head in the sand and get the moderators to delete any posts you don't like. Although, the Ignore function only works if no one quotes the person you want to avoid. It isn't like Fakebook where if you "Block" someone, they can't see anything you do and you can't see anything they do, and it's like you don't exist to each other.
  #50  
Old 07-05-2013, 03:16 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
That's ok; other people read my posts and get something useful out of them. As i type this, i promise that there are at least a dozen "lurkers" reading my posts who will never register or post here and see themselves in your situation and read my posts and say "eureka". So, it isn't REALLY all about YOU, whether you realize it or not. I know you think this thread is your personal, private, safe space, but that does not make it in fact the case.

Since you won't be reading this, you won't learn that there is a Life Stories & Blogs section on here where you can keep your head in the sand and get the moderators to delete any posts you don't like. Although, the Ignore function only works if no one quotes the person you want to avoid. It isn't like Fakebook where if you "Block" someone, they can't see anything you do and you can't see anything they do, and it's like you don't exist to each other.
For whatever reason, I can see this. I haven't minded all of your posts, but your last one was complete shit b/c you hadn't bothered to read my posts & made a huge bunch of incorrect assumptions.
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Me- Bi-female-early 40s- Single Mom to 2 young boys
Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen
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