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  #11  
Old 07-05-2013, 02:17 PM
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Ramina Ramina is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh I know what they meant, but my point was that the term doesn't apply to poly.
Cindie, when did I apply Swinging to Polyamory? I've never even implied that idea. You may need to review what was posted.


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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
To come here and post using lingo that applies to swinging clearly shows a misunderstanding of where they are posting and what poly is.
First - My wife & I have both been poly our entire lives. We've just haven't pursued a poly relationship until now, until she was completely secure our marriage was solid. I had a wild past, & though we love each other wholly, she has to feel certain I was in for the long haul. IMHO my wife was correct in her hesitation, as no couple should simply dive into taking on more people without total security in their current relationship; especially when that couple has children & with a someone from a similar past to mine.
If you aim was to teach us about polyamory, there's absolutely nothing we could learn from you Cindie.

Second - Never assume to know the thought's of others based on your experiences coupled with a palpable misconstruing of another's words.

Third - We came here in good faith, with good intentions. I even gave you the benefit of doubt, even though my wife saw through to your antagonism. By the other posters in this thread we're relieved people like you are the minority here.


Now I've set the record straight for us, we need not continue addressing trolls like Cindie. We won't be responding to any more of Cindie's posts. Life's too short to not ignore trolls who, instead of accepting the insight of others as contrary & correct against their mistakes, defend their errors. This is how lonely people, remain alone.

Thank you to those who actually understood what we meant from the beginning.

Onward & upward.
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  #12  
Old 07-05-2013, 06:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
Cindie, when did I apply Swinging to Polyamory? I've never even implied that idea. You may need to review what was posted.
I didn't say you were applying the word "swinging" to polyamory - I was pinpointing the word "lifestyle." It is often used in relation to swinging or BDsm, but there really isn't any way to apply the word to poly, since poly can be a part of many, varied lifestyles. So, to compare this forum to online dating sites or "lifestyle clubs" made me ask what you meant by it. That is all. It also conveyed the sense that you might not have been aware of the fact that most poly people, who may never have been involved in swinging, wouldn't even know what a lifestyle club is! People's experiences with poly can be very far removed from that kind of scene.

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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
First - My wife & I have both been poly our entire lives.
Well, goody for you!

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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
We've just haven't pursued a poly relationship until now, until she was completely secure our marriage was solid. I had a wild past, & though we love each other wholly, she has to feel certain I was in for the long haul. IMHO my wife was correct in her hesitation, as no couple should simply dive into taking on more people without total security in their current relationship; especially when that couple has children & with a someone from a similar past to mine.
Sounds like a smart approach.

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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
If you aim was to teach us about polyamory, there's absolutely nothing we could learn from you Cindie.
I have no intention of teaching anyone, and there is no use in trying to teach someone who is defensive. You misunderstood my intentions, anyway. I only encouraged you to read the forum so you would find out why your post will probably not get many responses. As Natja told you, it is "pretty objectifying." It is also extremely specific. You may want to rethink your strategy.

Plus, I really don't think the personal ads here actually get much traffic. People post ads here all the time, but we've never had any stories of anyone actually meeting someone through the ads here. People have met, however, via participating in discussions on the forum.

BTW, this is what is known as "helpful advice."

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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
Second - Never assume to know the thought's of others based on your experiences coupled with a palpable misconstruing of another's words.
I didn't assume anything. You're just a stranger on the internet to me.

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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
Third - We came here in good faith, with good intentions. I even gave you the benefit of doubt, even though my wife saw through to your antagonism. By the other posters in this thread we're relieved people like you are the minority here.
LOLOLOL!!!

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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
Now I've set the record straight for us, we need not continue addressing trolls like Cindie.
Not a troll. I'm a longtime member and regularly receive "thank you" messages from people here for my posts - just received one last night and another today as a matter of fact! I was just trying to be helpful,though perhaps I indulged in a bit of sarcasm. If you are adverse to direct, blunt communicating, then poly might not be for you. But as I said earlier, good luck! I truly mean that!
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-05-2013 at 06:45 PM.
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  #13  
Old 07-05-2013, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
To the OP, your personal ad is pretty objectifying and therefore is unlikely to attract anyone to you, despite you being a very handsome couple, I would sincerely suggest you edit it heavily and go and do some reading as previously suggested. This particular link will be a good place to start http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
Thank you Natja However, we're not here to waste anyone's time. It's best being honest from the beginning, rather than string someone along or worse. Worse being, beginning a relationship with less than compatible person, hoping they'd change but having resentment build up due to knowing they won't improve, until the point the relationship shatters, possibly damaging our marriage in the process somehow.

We've carefully considered which qualities we wanted in our third. Is it not right to be open with some of them rather than string someone along? Of my wife & I, I'm the extrovert & tactful one. Within reason, I'm always willing to think of others. The missus however is introverted, but severely candid. If what I posted shakes one's esteem, take solace in the fact my wife is not the OP. For example with Cindie this morning:
Mina checking her cell, "Babe. Our post just got trolled."

Me, "Trolled? How so? Let me take a look. Maybe they're just socially awkward. Labeling someone a Troll, right off the bat is harsh."

Mina, "The troll has posted over 5,000 times in 3 years. There's only 365 days in a year. She's a troll."

Me, "Maybe she's just a lot of time on her hands & is trying to help."

Mina, "You're from NY, right? (Me, Yes) You're a poly, right? (Me, Yes) You've got lots of friends, right? (Me, Yes) When you lived NY, when did you have the time to post 5,000 of anything in any length of time?"

Me, "Honestly...never. Way too much to do in NY. Besides, I'm a face to face, person. You know that."

Mina, "Exactly! Only a lonely troll has that kind of time to spend."

Me, "I'll thank Cindie, share a little more, & we'll see where it goes."

Mina, "Kababaihan kaya! (loosely translated: Women's Intuition) You're wasting your time on them. That woman's a troll, & trolling is contagious. Being quiet & nice, doesn't exclude me from reminding someone when they're rude. She's not worth the time."
That dialogue between my wife & I, is almost verbatim from this morning.


I guess my over-arching points are:
  1. Although patient, we don't want to waste anyone's time or ours.
  2. We don't want to give anyone false hope.
  3. It's not our aim to hurt anyone.
  4. We're not hunting unicorns. The very term "unicorn" suggest an impossibility & lack of self esteem to pursue one's goals. Moreover, we're seeking no composite of qualities in a person that is unreasonable. We have in mind the kind of person we want. We didn't settle with each other, nor will we with anyone else.

Keep in mind, we've 2 children & a nice home life here. Our decision to create a triad was not done on a whim, nor without years between our beginning & now, to come the conclusion that we can have a poly family. We didn't just wake up one morning from under the pile of our fellow lifestylers & thought, "Gee! We ought to have a triad. It sounds cool!" Our oldest child is 9, & we been talking this idea over with her since she was 6. We involved our daughter in making this choice to begin a triad, not that we thought she'd fully understand, but because we fully understand this decision doesn't just affect my wife & I. Not to mention the woman who we start our triad, may have children of her own.

It was a great undertaking by us all, including our family outside our home--our parents, siblings, etc.. What should one sensible do, just pop up with someone new at family events without the family having an idea of our relationship dynamic? Hide it? Nonsense. Anyone who believes any relationship can exist happily, grow & thrive, or even survive, long term under that depth of secrecy, they're not in touch with reality. Period.

This isn't our first rodeo, we're just new to this Polyamory forum. We had a triad once until our ex-third became homesick--among other things to the point she decided to move. At that time weren't financially capable to uproot ourselves & follow her. Plus our ex-third was unsure of herself, not quite certain where she fit with us. She also believed of herself an unnecessary burden to us with all her baggage (children & their fathers, their families, finances, etc.), although we (my wife & I) were completely willing to & did help her however we could. Basically, she needed to center herself & truthfully so did we. While our triad lasted it, was fun, great, warm, loving, a wonderful adventure, but also not meant to be. Since then, we've grown & had time to truly narrow down what we need in our next third.

We're not about to squander the harmony of our family because we decided to invite someone into our lives that is less than compatible to our goal to begin with.If anyone has a problem with the specifics of what we need in a person, them & our family aren't a match from the start. We can work with self esteem issues, that's what families do, but we refuse to entangle our lives with cynics & pessimists. There's meds for that.

Anyways... For those people interested in getting to know us on a deeper level, my apologies for these hostilities. Sometimes one must bear their fangs.

Chat soon
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  #14  
Old 07-05-2013, 09:00 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Ramina View Post
"The troll has posted over 5,000 times in 3 years. There's only 365 days in a year. She's a troll."
If you read the forum some more, you will see we have several word games and "what music are you listening to" type of threads that generate frequent posts. I also regularly update a thread where I list all our members off-site poly-related blogs and post monthly announcements for my local poly group here. It is easy to build up many posts in the time I've been here. I've started many threads and kept a diary/blog here where I posted almost every day as a journal.

Besides, if I were a troll, why would they have given me moderator duties?

As I said before, keep reading and get to know the regulars here - many of us have as many posts as I do. And my name isn't Cindie. It's nycindie.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-05-2013 at 09:31 PM.
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  #15  
Old 07-05-2013, 09:40 PM
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Dear OP, with all due respect NYcindie i not a troll and to be honest, being new to the forum and not knowing anything about it, its a huge assumption to make based on post count alone. If you feel that your thread was flamed than by all means say so, but you are not in a position to call anyone a troll.

Also,
Quote:
It's best being honest from the beginning, rather than string someone along or worse. Worse being, beginning a relationship with less than compatible person,
I do not feel objectification is a necessity to be honest about what kind of relationship one is seeking. It is perfectly possible to do it without objectification, thousands do, so I don't feel 'we want to be honest' excuses you from culpability in this matter. Think, just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it is not there, a person such as yourself is not the intended audience, however persons like myself and maybe even NYcindie probably are and if we are telling you something is off it's because it is, you and your wife have couple privilege and come from that vantage, won't be able to see it, so do not dismiss our advice and our experience out of hand.

If you actually want to attract someone to you, that post was probably the wrong way to go about it because it made you look even more entitled than the OP did, it's good that you are patient and happy with the status quo, that means that if it never happens you'll still be 'complete' which is more than can be said for other people seeking the same but still I urge you to get familiar with this site and not just the personals.
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  #16  
Old 07-06-2013, 02:25 AM
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Autumnal Tone, how thee are missed.
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  #17  
Old 07-06-2013, 02:38 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Autumnal Tone, how thee are missed.
How art thou missed. /pedant
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  #18  
Old 07-06-2013, 04:10 AM
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I thought there was a new-ish rule here that people are not allowed to reply to these personal ads unless they are interested in dating the people who posted them.
Insomuch as anything other than "where do I sign up?" is off-topic for the thread, yes.

I find the best thing to do is to treat the Dating and Friendships forum as a Unicorn Hunter containment zone. It's ok to observe from a distance with varying degrees of horror, but don't enter and engage.
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  #19  
Old 07-06-2013, 04:45 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I find the best thing to do is to treat the Dating and Friendships forum as a Unicorn Hunter containment zone. It's ok to observe from a distance with varying degrees of horror, but don't enter and engage.
LOL.

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  #20  
Old 07-06-2013, 06:38 AM
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Ramina Ramina is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I do not feel objectification is a necessity to be honest about what kind of relationship one is seeking.
Where in any of our posts, did we objectify our audience outright? Are you implying to us anyone may enter into a relationship with you, sans prerequisites? Are you willing to date anyone despite level of personality, physical attraction, intellect, drive, & aspirations or lack thereof so as long as they're interested in you? Would you suggest this lack of discernment for your children? Are you suggesting we lower our standards to appease those who aren't a fit with us?

Knowing what we want & aiming towards that is not a matter of entitlement; it's Logic. When it comes to love, we entitled ourselves to whomever we allow into our heart, beneficial or otherwise; leading to my next point:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
It is perfectly possible to do it without objectification, thousands do, so I don't feel 'we want to be honest' excuses you from culpability in this matter. Think, just because you can't see it, it doesn't mean it is not there, a person such as yourself is not the intended audience
The 50% divorce rate in our country is evidence that Millions of people make the mistake of not being honest enough with others & themselves, to pursue the person or people they truly need. Instead they of settle on someone with whom they never should've from the start; often at the behest of peer pressure (Hint) or social etiquette that has too few solutions for when those doomed relationships fail. The rate of separation is exponentially so with poly relationships; especially as we're an atypical community. On top of this, we as a society are encouraged to accept this as incalculable risks; these risks that are entirely avoidable without enduring solitude.

I didn't need to be persuaded when I fell in love with my wife. Honestly, I was fighting the love I felt--for my then friend, because I wanted to remain single. My wife fell hard for me, as she saw something in me even I missed; again without persuasion by either of us or anyone surrounding us. In fact, despite my past & everything it carried, we came together--without settling or being convinced by others to fall in love. When we began our first triad, it was the same circumstance. There was no persuasion nor conniving of some sort. Without even knowing if she was romantically interested in us or the type of relationship we were offering, we simply got to know each other over a few days. Then the 3 of us had an honest conversation over dinner one night & the rest is history.

As I've mentioned before, my wife & I didn't settle on each other. We will also not settle on just anyone, simply because they've chosen us. We've had a triad before & are optimistic we will again; without lowering our standards.

Perhaps to you & your friends this exchange is some kind of battle of wills against my wife & I. However this is our life--our home, you mean to sway into these na´ve platitudes. After all, what have you to lose--what are you wagering, right? To me--even my wife (who's far less experienced than I) what has been posted so far between you & Cindie so far denotes little empirical knowledge on this subject. Not that we've come looking for a resume, but rhetorically, what is your experience in polyamory? Exactly...

As previously mentioned, when I was single I didn't have any where near the spare time it appears some of our posters enjoy. Being married has afforded the most free time & stretch of monogamy I've ever had. Before my wife & I were ever even dating, I've had an extensive variety of lovers at any given time. My reputation was to such she knew much about me from that period of time, long before I told her--from others who didn't even associate with me, but knew about me. If one were to attempt to deduce your & Cindie's lives based on My life experiences, they would conclude neither of you are truly poly at all. This would be because while I was single & exercising my polyamorism there was little time for anything else. Too many lives shared & mingling with mine to even acknowledge anything too remote from our scene.

Yet, that's just my experience & it's clear this is not yours.

However we both thank you for the input Natja.

Take your life in your own hands, & what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame. -Erica Jong
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