cheating wife started my poly relationship

[london]

Where did he say he was flaunting his girlfriend? He just said he doesnt think it's fair to break up with her because theyve done nothing wrong. You've projected that he flaunts his relationship. He didn't say that at all.

And that isn't her boyfriend, it's someone she started an affair with. Big difference. Yes some people can forgive, he can't, she fucked up. DTMFA

[graviton]

Originally Posted by nycindie

No, I'd dump him for arrogantly keeping his relationship with his girlfriend while he forbids me to have any other relationships. Of course he has a right to be angry, but at some point, he needs to let that go or it will turn into bitterness and eat him alive. He is flaunting his girlfriend to punish his wife and isn't even making any effort to forgive her - she is being treated like a criminal. This is serious shit, and if he really wants the marriage and his relationship with his wife to work, more than wanting revenge, they both need to focus on each other and takle a break from other partners.

No one can make amends or rebuild their trustworthiness if they know that their transgressions will be thrown in their face. The relationship needs two people to work together, not one groveling for forgiveness and a place in his life while he is basically saying "Fuck you" by lording his girlfriend over her. The cheating has to be dealt with but not via a temper tantrum. It's okay for him to be in love with his gf but she cannot be in love with her bf?

whoa whoa whoa you paint a pretty nasty picture. I can guarantee there is no flaunting, rubbing it into her face, lording over, temper tantrums or any of the other nasty things you have said. I am very tender towards my wife and sensitive to her needs. I have forgiven her but the problem lies in the trigger of this being A FUCKING FAMILY MEMBER I CANT ESCAPE FROM. So occasionally I have mood swings due to that. You are right that forgiveness means wiping the slate clean. However that takes time. Plus I can assure you, dating other people is the furthest thing from her mind. She has told me she has absolutely no desire to do so. We have been married 17 yrs, this was our first stumble into poly. It blew up in our face and damn near destroyed our marriage. She fucked my cousin at a family wedding party while drunk. Instead of being horrified by what she did and swearing him off and taking it to her grave, she decided to explore a little more with his wife by asking me if they could date, while at the same time start having an affair with him. This from a relationship where many have described as one of the best marriages they know, due to the level of communication and brutal honesty we have used in our marriage. I can assure you that her actions were so polar opposite to who she was (normally) that I'm still flummoxed by the whole thing.

[graviton]

I can appreciate where you are coming from nycyndie. You identify as poly and recognize that you would sooner give up a partner than give up your identity. But this is my wife who has no poly identity (as of yet). She was bicurious and apparently cousin curious. She rationalized that she was being poly during the affair. I can guarantee that she will not be running back to my cousin. He showed his true colors by denying it all and calling her a crazy woman rather than owning up to it. The way I found out was they kept texting each other and I kept asking why are you texting him more than his wife? By nature he is a creep and a sociopath and I have had a dim view of him for sometime. When I kept telling my wife this, she would rush to defend him. Little things kept slipping out over the course of 3 months and started painting a picture that troubled me. After a while I managed to get her to confess because I was so sick of her lies I threatened to leave unless she came clean. I also pieced together that the fucker was trying to get her to leave me and start a triad with her and his wife. I told her she could have him if she wants. Does that show you what kind of guy this is? So no she will not continue to date him as long as she wishes to be my wife. There is no way I will tolerate that. I will lord it over her if she wishes to turn their relationship into legit poly. I will leave her before that happens.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by graviton

whoa whoa whoa you paint a pretty nasty picture. I can guarantee there is no flaunting, rubbing it into her face, lording over, temper tantrums or any of the other nasty things you have said.

I understand that it doesn't look that way from where you are standing graviton, but given the information that I've seen thus far nycindie expressed exactly my view as well.

I was about to go through and quote all of the times you have proven nycindies statement to be true but decided it wouldn't accomplish anything. The way you are responding to this difficulty in your relationship is not building fertile ground for intimacy. As is usually my advice, I suggest you take a look inward and stop focusing on what she has done in the past and with whom. *You* need to deal with *your* feelings which have come from a betrayal of trust. There is nothing your partner can do to heal this for you.. that can only be done internally.

I wouldn't tell you that you are out of line for being pissed, but how you are handling it is not going to make things better.

[Derbylicious]

Personally I'd be concerned about her saying that she has no interest in dating anyone else. She may be one of those people who finds it easier to have affairs rather than putting in the work required to talk everything out and put it all on the table. She's already shown that she will cheat and the desire to be with more than one person doesn't disappear.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Personally I'd be concerned about her saying that she has no interest in dating anyone else. She may be one of those people who finds it easier to have affairs rather than putting in the work required to talk everything out and put it all on the table. She's already shown that she will cheat and the desire to be with more than one person doesn't disappear.

There is also the issue that she has been given no other reasonable choice outside of saying "screw you, I'm leaving". It has been made clear that if she wants to date, certainly if she wants to date her bf that her marriage will end instantly. So... what motivation does she have to be honest?

This is what you call a lose-lose situation.

[bookbug]

Originally Posted by graviton

I have moved light years away from the anger and resentment I was feeling 6 months ago. I'm not sure if you have ever been cheated on by your wife. But 6 months is a paltry amount of time in the healing process. I have forgiven her.

I am female.

Okay, the reason, I came to the conclusion that you had not forgiven your wife is that you stated you still entertain thoughts of leaving her. That doesn't sound like forgiveness, but perhaps I am mistaken?

Originally Posted by graviton

The problem of him being my cousin is that I can't escape a trigger point for my anger and sadness due to him being a BIG part in my extended family. I can't think about or go to family functions without having to be reminded of their major breach of boundaries and respect to our marriage. If he were some other dude it would be easier to handle because it would be easier to remove him from my (and her) life, a very important step in healing from cheating.

Okay, yes, I can see where proximity would be an issue.

Originally Posted by graviton

As far as her seeing others. She has admitted she fcked up and feels that poly isn't for her because she doesn't trust herself to be open and honest in that setting.

If this is true, then why is she angry at you for denying access to her friend?

[Icewraithonyx]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Plenty of poly people stay with the people they cheated with, while they worked on the relationship with the partners they cheated on.

Do you have any more examples of this? LovingRadiance is the only one I'm aware of and she described that as "hell". I'd love to see more examples of how people transistion cheating into a healthy poly relationship.

[BoringGuy]

Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx

Do you have any more examples of this? LovingRadiance is the only one I'm aware of and she described that as "hell". I'd love to see more examples of how people transistion cheating into a healthy poly relationship.

Yeah, i think there may be more examples of people who TRIED than people who succeeded in doing so. But it doesn't appear to be the case that trying is an option as far as the OP is concerned.

[Vixtoria]

OKay here's a quick reply from a cheater. The problem is, hubby and I started out this way, I had an affair, I wanted DESPERATELY to make it work and keep the person I had an affair with. We also went to a lot of lists for poly mono. Lists I have since left because of the attitudes of the 'poly' side.

Forgiveness. Still figuring this out, what it means, how to do it. We are actually in therapy now. It's been more than six years. We are in a better place but our issue is that forgiveness is NOT a clean slate. I dont' get that shit at all! We are all adults, let's be honest. As nice as it would be to have a clean slate at times in our life, you don't get one. You can't change what you've done, even if you feel badly about it so the idea that ANYONE is owed a clean slate is utter BS.

Now, as far as actually forgiving your wife and moving forward, I'm skipping the whole whether you need to keep or dump your gf. Can you ask her to take a break, that you need to back off and work on your marriage? Sure. But for a group of people that feel that you only NEED to do things that mean you stay true to yourself to say that the person cheated on MUST anything is crap. Yes there are maybe one or two people here that cheated, kept the person they cheated with and still worked out the marriage. MINORITY. Sorry, is true. The idea of knowing that this person, not just your spouse, but this other person has also decided you weren't worth telling the truth to, worth the respect of backing off, well that's crap. Again.

Here's just how we started to heal. I hope it helps. I gave up my right to privacy. Obviously I was lying and cheating and couldn't be trusted. Trust had to be built. So if he wanted to, he read every email, every IM, every text. He was privvy to every phone call. IF he wanted. At first yes he really wanted. As time went by and I built up trust, he didn't feel the need to anymore.

When I got involved with someone again he was apprised of every step. We are talking, we said I love you, we had cyber sex. Details, only if he asked, but THAT is how you build trust. By being honest and slowly showing that you are not going to lie again.

Saying she can't date, well right now she probably doesn't want to. It blew up in her face. But sayign she can't means that when she does want to or gets the infatuation with someone she'll probably lie. To you and herself. Been down that road to. If we don't SAY we love each other it's just friends and it's fine! It wasn't, we were lying to ourselves and so then to my hubby. So tell her it's not a no dating, it's a take a break for now, build up trust and so that she DOES tell you when she is interested in someone, when she is talking to them.

Sadly, there is an overwhelming feeling in the poly world that most cheat because they just didn't KNOW they were poly, so it's more easily forgiven. CLEAN SLATE. It's not. People who are cheated on know this. there is no clean slate, there's pain and you have a right to it. You also have a right to grieve. Now decide. Move forward, or cut losses. If you are moving forward you have to ACTIVELY work on trust building. It's hard, but her lies and cheating have basically destroyed the foundation of your house. Time to rebuild, and it's a bitch.

Good luck.