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  #31  
Old 07-04-2013, 12:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Just don't date guys who have wives, houses, kids and farm animals.

If you want to be #1, date someone who has time for you. It's your choice.
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  #32  
Old 07-04-2013, 12:29 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Just don't date guys who have wives, houses, kids and farm animals. If you want to be #1, date someone who has time for you. It's your choice.
And you live 1.5 hours away from each other. The problem is I thought this was going to just be a sexual diversion like the last guy but it turned out we liked each other a whole lot. We couldn't predict that part.

Lesson learned for next time. I really hope to get into a more steady type of relationship with someone closer with whom I can really connect with & can give me more of what I want & need.
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  #33  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:46 PM
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There was absolutely nothing wrong with what I said in this thread, no matter how much you try and maintain that there was. You're just looking for someone else to misdirect your anger at. If it helps for that person to be me, go for it, but let's acknowledge that is exactly what you are doing here.

Knowing that it takes two people to agree and carry out a veto on a partner has nothing to do with autism. It's just pretty obvious. Where autism and literal thinking does come into it, perhaps, is where I made the assumption that the OP does not acknowledge this. An assumption made because the thread, which essentially about veto power, is titled "His wife ended our relationship".

Maybe, though, I was meant to just say what a bitch the wife is and how terrible it is for the "victims" of this horrendous veto whilst completely ignoring the fact that the "victims" agreed to it too.
  #34  
Old 07-04-2013, 03:55 PM
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Unrealistic expectations are really what kills having satisfying relationships in the here and now.

We start out agreeing to certain parameters for a relationship, feeling happy that someone wants us, confident, desired, and open to whatever possibilities lay ahead. Still, we do have ideas about the situation and expectations that things will go a certain way (casual, easygoing, infrequent... whatever). It's okay, we feel prepared and able to handle it. We share physical and emotional intimacy, get to know them, feel close, and eventually let ourselves be vulnerable with them, showing sides of ourselves we wouldn't let anyone else see. When we realize we have deeper feelings for the person, we then rather quickly begin to develop a different set of expectations -- not based on the person we're involved with, mind you, but instead based on how we feel and, more importantly, what we've been taught to believe we should expect when we feel these things for someone -- as if the feelings we are experiencing are supposed to change everything about the relationship! Deep down, where we tend to refuse to look, we know that the person cannot or will not be able to meet those expectations, nor appreciate any changes to the initial agreed-upon parameters to the relationship. Even when we know those expectations will never be met, we indulge in them anyway. They are completely unrealistic, but we give in and choose to ignore reality, ultimately absenting ourselves from the situation in the present and believing in a fantasy.

Then when they confirm the fact that they can't meet our expectations by backing away to create some distance from us, or saying and doing things that utterly disappoint us, we get mad and feel dismissed, disrespected, inconsequential, used, foolish, and so on. We resolve to never put up with that shit again... until the next time we meet someone, feeling all happy and giddy about being desired, and then wrapped up in the chemical euphoria of endorphins and oxytocin, so we accept whatever they can give us, until again we develop deeper feelings and then place expectations on top of that. It's a cycle, a belief system that keeps us from being fully present and seeing the reality of a situation.

If anything, I think that the most important thing to watch out for is our own expectations - and these may be so ingrained in us from an early age, that they have become a pattern we don't even know we have until things start to implode and we realize we've been here before.

Yeah, it sucks. <sigh> I think that awareness and letting go of old beliefs and expectations is the key.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-04-2013 at 05:06 PM.
  #35  
Old 07-04-2013, 06:47 PM
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Actually, having had farm animals myself, I understand the obligation. He probably hires someone to take care of them when he goes out of town. Animals are like kids, totally dependent on their keeper.
  #36  
Old 07-04-2013, 07:09 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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"I don't think you understand, I have these animals...blah blah blah" so basically I'm not as important as a bunch of fucking farm animals. I must be the dumbest smart person out there.
I hope you feel better soon.

I don't think it's about not being as important as. One of the most important relationships in my life right now is with an animal. Sometimes that relationship means that I go home when I'd otherwise be with my SO. Or that he must come to where I am. Or that I out and out can't see him because I'm doing something else. C (my dog) and I have nights out twice a week at the moment and regular weekends away just for us.

I don't have the complications of kids and another partner to consider but for sure, my SO doesn't always get to come first in my life. Luckily he loves C too and doesn't get jealous about the amount of time C and I spend together. Jealousy over time with dogs isn't at all uncommon and many of my friends either deal with feeling jealous because their partners spend so much time and emotion on the dogs in the household or deal with their partner's jealousy over the dog.

It's just about balance I think and trying to keep it reasonable. Sounds like your ex must have very little time in his life for an outside relationship and you'd prefer somebody that had more time? I hope that you feel loads better soon and are able to find somebody who shares your goals for a relationship.

IP
  #37  
Old 07-04-2013, 09:22 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
When we realize we have deeper feelings for the person, we then rather quickly begin to develop a different set of expectations -- not based on the person we're involved with, mind you, but instead based on how we feel and, more importantly, what we've been taught to believe we should expect when we feel these things for someone.
Way to nail that point down, nycindie! Viewing expectation as fluid instead of static makes much more sense.

I had a friend years ago who had an issue with marriage because he felt it came with a new assumed list of expectation and he found it to be an irrational thing to do to a relationship that was working just fine. He described it as "Hey, this relationship is great, I love everything about it... let's CHANGE IT!". His assertion is something I've always agreed with but your breakdown is much more applicable to the standard relationship dynamic. That is to say, he attributed it to marriage, and you are attributing it to simply reaching different levels of intimacy.

/stealing
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  #38  
Old 07-05-2013, 12:40 AM
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nycindie, that was an awesome distillation of the knowledge I've watched you painfully gain for yourself (from your blog).

Also, the synchronicity in my life is kind of amazing today. Someone in my local poly group posted an article that talks about this same concept in a different way (and I read that early this morning). Then I had lunch with a married couple I haven't seen in a long time, and after he went to work, she and I had a gabfest, and she described much the same thing, in her own way.

I'm beginning to wonder what hideous change the universe has in store for me. :P

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  #39  
Old 07-05-2013, 11:33 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Unrealistic expectations are really what kills having satisfying relationships in the here and now.
OMG...I'm not going to quote the whole thing you wrote but WOW! You nailed it. I've been sitting here hating this guy. Hating his fucking guts for treating me like a 2nd class citizen even though my other lover has been trying to help me see it differently. I'm just going thru the stages of grief & will come out the other side. I've been thru much much worse.

I don't know what it is about me, and please I'm not conceited, it could be as simple as my phermones, but guys often "fall in love" with me even when they claim to just want to be FWBs, I don't always fall but this time I did even when I knew it was limited. It never meant that I would break up his marriage or wanted him forever, but it still hurts.

This is by far, the best, the most lucid advice I have gotten on this topic to date! THANK YOU!
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  #40  
Old 07-05-2013, 12:06 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Actually, having had farm animals myself, I understand the obligation. He probably hires someone to take care of them when he goes out of town. Animals are like kids, totally dependent on their keeper.
He doesn't, he chronically over-extends himself & wont hire anyone to do anything & rarely asks anyone to do him favors. He does manage to get these things done when he has to go out of town though, even when he drove to Texas for 3 days to buy some piece of equipment he didn't really need......his Dad who lives right next door can easily come over to watch the kid so his wife can tend to HER animals (mohair goats, alpacas, etc for weaving). This is literally ONE TIME that I am asking him to do something for me. I have never once, once, made a demand on his time & he acknowledged that. All he said is he'd "think about it" not even that he "try". It's not even the break up that's upsetting me anymore, it's the being treating as a 2nd class citizen the whole time we've been seeing each other that doesn't rate as high as a barnyard animal. And shame on me for accepting it. Yeah, maybe I'm just exhausted from taking care of a sick kid & a 2 yr old that won't sleep past 5.30 am & I have a slightly bruised heart & ego, but it still seems pretty shitty to me. I think this man is sweet but incredibly selfish.

And I just keep wondering what kind of person actively looks for a girlfriend while his wife just had a baby? I asked over & over & over again if he was sure she was ok with it & even talked to her about it. Am I an idiot? Plus his ex-wife was an apparent nyphomaniac (I'm at a loss for a better term) & this one was practically a virgin. Very very strange.
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Last edited by Hetaera; 07-05-2013 at 12:17 PM.
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