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  #11  
Old 12-31-2009, 06:46 AM
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I know someone who sustained this kind of life for a couple of years until the guilt became too much and he made a rash decision that meant he lost everything including the woman he had an affair with.

I'm glad to hear you at least have decided to not be physical with her... but it still doesn't take away the fact that you were and that you are continuing to cheat by the fact that you are telling her you love her behind your wife's back.

It's great you found poly, it really is, it's the fact that you are trying to justify your cheating by using poly and that you are looking for an easy way out that is uncomfortable for me.

Sure I know it's human to find an easy way out, but the longer you stay in this with her the more damage you are doing and the bigger challenge in the end. It won't be even close to an easy way out it you continue to see her.

I really think that you are going to have to feel like your soul is ripped out and let her go before getting back on track. You need to be focusing on your family in my opinion and you don't seem to be thinking of them at all, only yourself...
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  #12  
Old 01-03-2010, 12:44 AM
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Originally Posted by anon4now View Post
Sorry I haven't followed up with any of the posts, it's been an exciting holiday time with the family.

I feel that I type like I think which is normally rambling. If this bothers you, I will improve as I get more comfortable sharing what's going on and as I understand better what I need to do and how to do it.

I still haven't discussed my issue with my wife but M and I have stopped our physical interactions but still hang out and are close friends. We still tell eachother that we love one another but that is it. We tried to not do that and it just didn't feel right.

I have tried to convince myself that M was just there for me when I was having a need that she was willing to fill and then I tried to convince myself that this is just an infatuation that I let go to far. Nothing I try changes how I feel for her. I continue to love her the same that I love my wife and my children.

I saw where some people responded (some with vigor) that you don't stop loving people (LovingRadiance, I have read up and continue to learn from your experiences THANKS). I know I will never stop loving M just like I would never stop loving my family. I just don't know how to love someone as much as I love her and not feel like part of my soul is missing when she's not there.

Part of me is relieved that my story isn't uncommon and part of me is excited to know that other people who have made my mistake have gone on to experience what I believe my heart and soul needs.

And finally there is a part that is scared to death of bringing this up with my wife and crushing her heart even though I don't love her any less... And there is the fact that I know I would be hurt (at least initially) if she came to me with the same request/statement. Maybe I'd think of M and be able to quickly get my jealousy under control.

Weather or not my wife and I open our marriage is way up in the air. The one thing that I am 100% certain of is that I love my wife, childrean and M all with the same emotions and intensity as the other. I am Poly.

Thanks for letting me ramble and thanks to the board owners who have given us a place to be with like minds.

-more to come-
Read and learn my friend-then my suggestion is-that when you reach that point where you feel you can talk to your wife-ask her to do the same. Read and learn. Good luck.
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  #13  
Old 01-29-2010, 08:21 PM
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Default Don't know if there is any interest...

Just because I began here, I thought there might be some interested to hear how things are going. If not, no worries.

I took alot of alone time to think about what I was doing/contemplating. I know that what I've done is cheating and not a healthy poly relationship and I have ended my "investment" with her in that regard. We no longer act like secret bf/gf but we are still friends and I still love her deeply (I still don't know what to do about the longing... does it ever fade... even a little?). There just isn't anymore handholding, "i love you", or anything like that. IF there is ever an opportunity for her to be added to a healthy poly relationship with me and my wife then I will have to tell her about what has happened and deal with the fall out at that time.

The other part of what I was thinking about is am I really poly minded or am I just wanting to have a mistress on the side. I think I have a good understanding of what Poly is based on what I've read in multiple posts here and in speaking with some poly friends. I have a deep love for her that can and will exist without a physical relationship, this isn't just lust or infatuation. I want to do with her what boyfriends and husbands do for their girlfriends and spouses (and what I do for my wife). I want to take care of her when she's sick, has car trouble, has a bad day at work. I want to be the person that she goes to when she needs to vent about having a bad day and then lay her head on my shoulder and cry or sleep. I know I love her but I also know that without my wife in the loop, it's just an afair and I won't do that any more to my family. If it is to happen, it will be with her part of our family in the open.

I'm still wrestling with my own issues of loving another but not thinking I could handle it if my wife or an eventual other were to say they loved another too. I feel like a pig in that way. I guess that is a case of me needing to make sure that an eventual third and my wife are fully aware of my expectations and needs in that regard.

Thank you to those that have sent polite e-mails and actually discussed this with me instead of just labeling what I've done. That has helped more than you will know (or in the case of a couple of you, you know since you came from the same situation).
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  #14  
Old 01-29-2010, 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by anon4now View Post
I'm still wrestling with my own issues of loving another but not thinking I could handle it if my wife or an eventual other were to say they loved another too. I feel like a pig in that way. I guess that is a case of me needing to make sure that an eventual third and my wife are fully aware of my expectations and needs in that regard.

Thank you to those that have sent polite e-mails and actually discussed this with me instead of just labeling what I've done. That has helped more than you will know (or in the case of a couple of you, you know since you came from the same situation).
Yes my friend, some of us really do know. It's not easy to get "back on track" but it can be done. I'm very proud of you for standing up and doing the right thing in stopping a lie.
I DO understand the heartache of those emotions still being there. I struggled through that one for YEARS. It was well worth it-to allow myself to find out what it was I was really capable of, finding out what it means to be poly and then setting the tables all straight with my husband, and now-that love is fulfilled, as it WAS true between GG and I.

In regards to your concern with your wife ever having a lover. That isn't too unusual-but it IS another sign that you have some work to do.
(go figure huh?)

It's not really a poly issue per se. It's more of an acceptance of truth issue. You already KNOW that it's possible to love two people. Because you do.
So-what is it that you fear in your wife potentially loving another?
Go deep my friend, even if you NEVER have a poly relationships, it's well worth the effort to work on your insecurities-and this is an insecurity.

So-another little "been there done that" example.
I'm poly, married to Maca, gf of GG, we live together as a V.
So we worked on our boundary list (every relationship should have one, even mono relationships, they help A LOT). I realized that I am not ready for GG to consider another girlfriend. We talked, I realized that I was afraid of losing him to someone who COULD be his wife.
Really silly actually. Because after 17 years I ought to know he isn't going anywhere.
But with a bit more introspection and a bit of talking it became clear that the biggest issue was that I was afraid, because we've never BEEN a couple in that time.
We decided to agree that for the next bit he won't be looking for a girlfriend ANYWAY since he doesn't have enough time IN HIS OPINION for us, so he wants to wait until we get some of our bills taken care of and less work is needed, more time available-but we'll keep talking when we redo boundaries.
(boundary list should be a "living document" in that it changes as the people in the relationship have changing needs)
Maca was thinking he wanted a girlfriend "right now" because it would be "more fair" since I have GG. But after he really started looking into himself-he figured out he wasn't ready for someone YET. He has some things he wants to work on in himself first.

Overall, when we started digging we found more in ourselves that needed dealt with. When i think about GG having a girlfriend-that doesn't bother me anymore, because I know we're taking some time to settle into our relationship first. That in itself has been enough for me to start looking at potentials for him (sigh) .

And with Maca, same thing. Also-he still struggles with some aspects of GG and I. For instance, he doesn't want to think about us having sex-he KNOWS we do, but he doesn't want to see or think about it. He knows it's something he needs to deal with.
When we started this situation, we didn't do ANYTHING in front of him, then we would cuddle on the couch together to watch a movie, then we got to where he could handle our hugging/kissing good night.
Little steps.
Little steps.
Does that make sense? Or is it helpful at all??
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  #15  
Old 01-29-2010, 09:57 PM
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VERY HELPFUL!!! Thank you. :: hugs ::

I am still learning about my "wiring" and hope that through more soul searching, I will will grow to understand myself better and to stop trying to beat myself up for not having the "norm" feelings of monogomy.

The other aspect I forgot to comment on was our kids. How do you incorporate a poly relationship into your family when you have kids? I have seen a few posts here about that topic but haven't researched it yet because the main issue of my affair was priority for me to work on.
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  #16  
Old 01-29-2010, 11:15 PM
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I'm just trying to imagine being your wife when you bring up the idea of a polyamorous relationship and how you want it to look. "Honey, I'm in love with two women, and I want M to come live with us, but I don't want you to have any boyfriends. Ok?" ... Somehow, I can't imagine that going over very well.

It's great that you've reached a point where you can identify as polyamorous. But I think you're only beginning your journey, because it's important to learn about YOUR responsibility is in this lifestyle. Polyamory is about give & take, compromise, and you have to be willing to meet your wife at least half way.

I've seen examples on here of arrangements where a poly person has a mono partner, and they insist that the mono partner be exclusive. When this makes sense to me, it's because of something in the mono person that prevents them (physically or emotionally) from being able to handle more than one romance at a time. Like in my case, my husband works really long hours and comes home tired, just barely (and sometimes not even) enough energy for our one relationship. So if he had to split that limited energy with another person, then my needs could not be met. This is very different from me saying that I want to date other girls, but I don't want him to date other girls because it makes me jealous. That would be a double-standard. If it was my jealousy standing in the way of him dating other girls, it would be my responsibility to deal with my personal issue.
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  #17  
Old 01-30-2010, 12:04 AM
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Originally Posted by quila View Post
I'm just trying to imagine being your wife when you bring up the idea of a polyamorous relationship and how you want it to look. "Honey, I'm in love with two women, and I want M to come live with us, but I don't want you to have any boyfriends. Ok?" ... Somehow, I can't imagine that going over very well.

It's great that you've reached a point where you can identify as polyamorous. But I think you're only beginning your journey, because it's important to learn about YOUR responsibility is in this lifestyle. Polyamory is about give & take, compromise, and you have to be willing to meet your wife at least half way.

I've seen examples on here of arrangements where a poly person has a mono partner, and they insist that the mono partner be exclusive. When this makes sense to me, it's because of something in the mono person that prevents them (physically or emotionally) from being able to handle more than one romance at a time. Like in my case, my husband works really long hours and comes home tired, just barely (and sometimes not even) enough energy for our one relationship. So if he had to split that limited energy with another person, then my needs could not be met. This is very different from me saying that I want to date other girls, but I don't want him to date other girls because it makes me jealous. That would be a double-standard. If it was my jealousy standing in the way of him dating other girls, it would be my responsibility to deal with my personal issue.
I fully agree with what you state... that's why I have to figure out the why and deal with that. I don't want to be jealous when I know how wonderful and OK my love for M is. that's why I'm going to have to do more soul searching... Thank you for your reply though. It helps me to know I'm on the "right path".
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  #18  
Old 01-30-2010, 08:32 AM
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We have 4 kids. 3 live at home. 18, 10 (almost) and 2 years. They all know we're poly. They all are ok with it. In fact the 10 year old thinks that if we weren't that would be weird.

It's all a matter of how you choose to act, and how you choose to teach them.

Obviously we weren't having sex in front of them when we were mono-and we aren't having sex in front of them now that we are poly.
We explained it as having more than one love. Pretty simple, pretty basic.
They've seen me kissing both Maca and GG. They know I go to bed in Maca's bed, and that I wake up in GG's (weird I know-but Maca has to go to work at 5:30 in the morning, so when he leaves I go to GG's bed cause I'm a TOTAL cuddle bug).

Never been an issue.
We have friends with kids-they keep it a secret, but they also don't live with their lovers either.
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  #19  
Old 02-15-2010, 11:19 PM
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Another rambling installment of "The inner workings of A4N"

Did more soul searching... discovered an issue that exists which was glossed over and ignored.

As I stated in my first entry, my wife and I used to be HYPERsexual. You name it, there was a time when we did it (Go ahead, PM and ask me). Since kids, we have lost that part of our wonderful relationship. Where I know that she and I are rock solid and will never want to leave the other, I now know that there is a HUGE chasm in our relationship that has to be addressed so that our relationship is where it used to be. What is the opposite of hyper...? We are there. I honestly thought I was ok with it but while soul searching, I realized that I held ALOT of resentment towards her for it.

Yeah, we talked about it multiple times but I eventually gave in and just swept it under the rug. That's the odd thing, we talk about EVERYTHING but that...

I realized this issue and my first response was to wonder if M was simply a "surrogate" for my needs I wasn't having fulfilled with my wife. I can honestly say that after some real discussions with myself, that is not the case. I really do love her even without the intimacy or affirmations of how she may still feel about me (we haven't discussed our emotions with each other for a while now so I assume she's in the same boat that I am and still in love but not acting on it).

So, is there a question I can ask to make sure I'm not fooling myself? I looked at it from all directions and M is not my crutch/surrogate/bootycall. She is as much a soulmate to me as my wife. I love her as much as my wife and kids. I even tried to convince myself that she was just a surrogate. That never felt right so I am convinced.

Anyway, on to the good part. My wife and I had a very long and deep heart to heart over the weekend. She has become somewhat reclusive and anti social, lost her drive to be sexual with her weight gain (she affirms that I never said or acted in any way to make her feel bad about it). We believe that she had post partum depression with one of our children and let it "fester". It then turned into a lifestyle change for her even though she might not still be suffering from it. She had always been somewhat of a wallflower and I just attributed her "home bound attitude" to raising kids and being a stay at home mom. Anyway... we are going to work on us. Get us back to where we were. Her words were "I am not the same woman you married and that's not fair to you".

Even though I know I am poly, I am not going to even think about it or talk to her about it until we fix each other. MAYBE, I will eventually discover that I was fooling myself and justifying M. I don't think... but I'm also not closed off to the possiblity since I once thought I'd never share my wife with another man swinging and I also never though I could love another woman. The flip side of that is that MAYBE she will be open to the idea of Poly and between her and I we will work with eachother to get rid of our insecurities.

Either way, I will continue to read and post here. I hope to develop some friendships and possibly help others along the way.
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  #20  
Old 02-15-2010, 11:59 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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..... Anyway... we are going to work on us. Get us back to where we were. Her words were "I am not the same woman you married and that's not fair to you".
HI Anon,

Glad to hear you are going to work on the 'us' part
Your wife's statement about not being the same person - well - keep in mind that applies to you too To all of us. It sounds like she's seeing that as a negative - which she shouldn't ! Living our lives changes us at some levels. But really - down deep - we are always who we always were. Maybe a little older, a little wiser, a little more tired and battle scarred - but still the same person inside. It will help her tremendously to find that part of herself she thinks shes lost if you can affirm that YOU still see it. It's the rope that can lead you (her in this case) home

As for all the self-analysis etc and your feeling towards your friend, I suspect it unfolded the way it did for a reason. It may very well have started in that surrogate mode you are concerned with, but then grew to something more. Far from uncommon. In fact that's the jealous persons biggest fear ! Sex evolving to love !

But look at what you've learned ! Regardless of how/why it all started, what was in anyone's mind at the moment etc, NOW look what it is ? No matter what direction the future takes it you understand love better. There's one of those 'changes' we're talking about. A very positive one.

And just a quick comment on the sex drive thing etc. The family, post partum etc. What your wife experienced is so common that it's been a subject of endless studies. And is the biggest single reason men wander. So it's nothing to be down about and take on negative, hopeless feelings. It CAN be dealt with and a lot of that old fire can come back - sometimes even more-so. You'll probably see reference to that even here on the forum. So be prepared if you get more than you ask for
Dig out those crib notes you took down while learning yourself in case you find the roles reversed.

Good luck - please keep us posted.

GS
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