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  #21  
Old 07-04-2013, 12:12 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I get you love him and it's easier to blame the whole sitch on her and her decision to use this veto, but it's just as much his fault for how he handles it. He could stand up and say, "Hon I love you and if you need us to slow down fine, but you do not get to tell me I have to end a relationship. It's my relationship, not yours.")
Oh no no...I'm not blaming the whole veto thing on her. I thing it's lame that he let her do it too & I told him before & again now. But worst of all I accepted it. I alone am responsible for my own happiness. And I repeat, I will NOT accept it again. It's not fair & I can't even know the reason except that she's uncomfortable with us having sex. Even though he won't tell me the specific reasons now, he told me once before that she asked him if "he was in love with me", don't think that the problem now & that J & me are more sexually compatible, that seems to be the problem & is probably true. The reality is that she knows I'm more sexually experienced (I'm 12 yrs older than her & she's had 2 lovers her whole life) & somehow knows I'm more sexual, way less inhibited, even though he doesn't discuss what we do (I know this for a fact). And even though she's swears she's not jealous, I'm quite beautiful & she's plain/average. That's not me saying that, that's feedback I get from others. I'm not conceited & am a very nice person who values people for who they are not what they look like despite appreciating physical beauty. I've had women hate me based on my appearance, which is horribly unfair. Yeah, terrible problem right? So she's feeling insecure I guess about whatever & I deserve to have my heart broken b/c of it.

Luckily I just had a beautiful afternoon with a new female lover....nothing like a lovely distraction. I still feel horrible but....

And as for London having a disorder I was unaware of that. I'm Bipolar, des that give me an excuse to be an asshole?
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

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Last edited by Hetaera; 07-04-2013 at 01:02 AM.
  #22  
Old 07-04-2013, 12:26 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Now, I'm married, long term and often get crap on the whole couples privilege thing.
I am a realist & understand that married couples, esp those with children have more at stake, more to lose than just 2 lovers. But when you put everyone on the level of being a sentient being with thoughts & feelings, I am just as important as them. Even though we had an intense connection & I'm almost glad it's over. I wasn't even 2nd in this life after his wife. He has a kid, a farm, farm animals & they all seemed to come before me. I want a primary relationship (or two), I want someone in my bed every night. I want someone to share my life with. In the meantime, I'm really enjoying a chance to explore my options after a very unhappy 10 year relationship/marriage (which I did get 2 beautiful children from so no regrets there) even though my life is a bit of a rollercoaster at times.

And hell yeah, I have no regrets. I think Albert Einstein said, there is no failure, only feedback. Feeling like a failure keeps you stuck in the past. You learn from your mistakes & move on . I try to live in the moment with my eyes to the future. It's the only way I stay sane & at peace.
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen
  #23  
Old 07-04-2013, 12:40 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I always call BS on the whole couples privilege thing. People are not toys to fill your time with when you are bored with your home life.

I have been married 12 years. Have 2 younger kids at home. I still find time for both men in my life almost equally. Murf's schedule is the only thing preventing a true 50/50 split of my time.

Unfortunately not many seem to be able to handle such a situation.
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  #24  
Old 07-04-2013, 01:00 AM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
I am a realist & understand that married couples, esp those with children have more at stake, more to lose than just 2 lovers. But when you put everyone on the level of being a sentient being with thoughts & feelings, I am just as important as them.

I'm glad you are taking it as such, a learning experience. I think we have all had our fair share of them and honestly my only regrets are that my learning came at the expense of bad feelings. For me and for others. Hearts get broken and bruised and it's unfortunate.

It does sound like they have work to do. Dealing with NRE or insecurities is her job and if she needs help from him she needs to voice that. It CAN be worked through and as hard as it is, if they are serious about poly they need to do the work. Sometimes I think it's more work when you are in an established relationship already, but if you truly want healthy relationships, free to grow the way they will and not put definitions on them, then you do it! That's not to say there aren't time frames. You know, when you are comfortable with over nights, visits with kids all that. But again, those are defined by EVERYONE to work.



As for the Aspergers, Bi Polar, et. al. Well, I have always held to the belief that these things that are wrong with us, they are reasons things are harder, not excuses. Take that as you will. For me, it's a way for me to explain why I can't get my point across the way I want or my brain fuzzes and things don't make sense, but not an excuse for hurting someone or not trying.

I do enjoy seeing what people use to define themselves though. I just wonder a lot on how that changes things. I've seen a few times someone mention they are getting a degree in mental health, and I wonder, well what does THAT mean?? I know more about things than many of my therapists because of the research I do and the experiences I've had, is that discounted because well I won't have the DEGREE? Does a degree mean you know something or see something different than me? Well I thought just on the virtue of being a different person that was true! So I take what labels people give themselves as interesting but no more merit than if you tell me you are female or male. It's such a small part of you I don't see how it makes much difference in the weight of opinions!
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  #25  
Old 07-04-2013, 08:30 AM
london london is offline
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Thank you, Vixtoria and Boring Guy. I now have no reason to respond to the OP's nasty private message.

Last edited by london; 07-04-2013 at 08:33 AM.
  #26  
Old 07-04-2013, 08:53 AM
london london is offline
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I just haven't said anything to piss YOU off - YET. Other people think my posts are just as bad if not worse than london's. The difference between me and london, however, which could be the reason I actually have made some friends here, is that I can take it as well as I can dish it out, and london can do one of those things well and the other not at all.
I disagree with this. I've posted one thread about an issue I had, some uncomfortable questions were asked in it. They were uncomfortable but necessary, and overall they helped. If/when I post another one here, I strongly hope that people give honest opinions/answers. If things are so bad that I'm asking the internet for help, I want the internet to help me. I hate when I want to critically evaluate my actions with someone and that person is just set on making everyone else the bad guy. When someone is the bad guy, there will always be things that I could have done to stop them being bad to me. I can only change and control myself.

I am, however, much less inclined to change my opinion on issues that don't directly relate to me, or are about other people's problems/perspectives etc. I don't think I lack compassion, I just think my compassion looks different to other people's.

And as a side note, I'm not here to "make friends", as it were. I spend most my life trying to limit the obligations I have to people. Making friends on here would mean I have to respond to things they write about their lives that I find uninteresting and say happy birthday and things like that. Not something I'd want to do.
  #27  
Old 07-04-2013, 10:41 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Thank you, Vixtoria and Boring Guy. I now have no reason to respond to the OP's nasty private message.
Nasty...OMG...Considering how you rag on on people who have just gotten dumped that wasn't even close to being nasty. Get over yourself! I should have blocked you when I had the chance before.
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen

Last edited by Hetaera; 07-04-2013 at 10:46 AM.
  #28  
Old 07-04-2013, 10:46 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I always call BS on the whole couples privilege thing. People are not toys to fill your time with when you are bored with your home life.
Thanks! That's kind of what I feel like here, I've been given & have accepted a pitifully small amount of time each week (or less). Again, lesson learned & I will never accept this again & I would certainly never impose this on another person. Even when the conclusion is inevitable, there should be a discussion amongst the individuals involved so everyone is left with their humanity left intact.
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Me- Bi-female-early 40s- Single Mom to 2 young boys
Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen
  #29  
Old 07-04-2013, 11:02 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I do enjoy seeing what people use to define themselves though. I just wonder a lot on how that changes things. I've seen a few times someone mention they are getting a degree in mental health, and I wonder, well what does THAT mean?? I know more about things than many of my therapists because of the research I do and the experiences I've had, is that discounted because well I won't have the DEGREE? Does a degree mean you know something or see something different than me? Well I thought just on the virtue of being a different person that was true! So I take what labels people give themselves as interesting but no more merit than if you tell me you are female or male. It's such a small part of you I don't see how it makes much difference in the weight of opinions!
I'm not saying I'm any better than anyone else b/c I'm Bipolar (I was being a smart ass b.c someone brought up London's issue to excuse his behavior) or because I'm becoming a therapist or scored 99%ile on my MATs. I am a unique individual with a unique set of experiences. My therapist is wonderful, so open-minded & yet she thinks she gets poly & she doesn't, she had one couple in an unhappy marriage who decided to fuck other people, sorry, not poly to me, but I'm trying to help her learn.

I bring a lot to the table and, although I'm certainly not perfect, I have experienced a lot & can hopefully help a lot of people lead happier more productive lives without just slapping them in the face with reality over & over again like some people do online here....don't we all get enough of that every day just by living our lives? Do you really need another smack in the face when someone has just broken your heart? GMAFB. What I'm saying is that I've found that there are techniques that work in my day-to-day life that I will put to use in my practice that are more effective than others in getting my point across. If you are harsh with your advice & hit someone's ego, they might not even hear your advice so your advice gets lost & becomes pointless. What is the point of advice? To make yourself feel good? To boost your own fragile ego? Or to help another human being gain a better understanding of a particular situation & move forward? I like to figure out the best way to do that. Sometimes they need a kick in the butt but most of the time, they need to hear the right words at the right time so they can hear what you are saying and use the advice to their best advantage. This is my entire point about the bullshit tough love approach used by people on this forum & others, it's often about what's best for them & not what's best for the person who's posing the question or having the problem. So yeah, it's a public forum but what's the point of getting on here & being an egotistical asshole & not helping our fellow beings? Esp. when we are such a relatively small, relatively misunderstood community who really needs to the support of those who understand our struggles. You just never never kick a dog when it's down.
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen
  #30  
Old 07-04-2013, 11:27 AM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Default Final visit

And for the final time he comes to see me I asked that he not rush off at 1am like he usually does, he says this isn't b/c of his wife but I don't believe that. He has farm animals that need to be tended to in the morning but they get taken care of somehow if he's out of state on a job. I have never once made a demand on his time the whole time we've been dating. I just want to be #1 once, once! I come behind him, wife, kid, house, farm, business, animals...so what does that make me #8? He said he'll think about it. I can't tell if I should tell him to go fuck himself or if I need the closure. When I asked him he told him (in a not so nice way) "I don't think you understand, I have these animals...blah blah blah" so basically I'm not as important as a bunch of fucking farm animals. I must be the dumbest smart person out there.

I'm really debating whether to tell him to go fuck himself. How can I even stay friends with someone who would treat me this way? Why on earth do I get involved with men that treat me this way? The question of the ages....and will I ever solve it.
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Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen
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