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  #11  
Old 07-01-2013, 01:51 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Hetaera View Post
I did & I tried to address it to no avail. So I knew this was a possibility & I will not allow this to happen again. Again, I have no regrets.
Hmmmm, at least you knew, it's more than what some of us get....I'm sorry though
  #12  
Old 07-01-2013, 02:01 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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Vinccenzo- I'm really confused by what you wrote but I will try to address. 1st of all thanks for the kind words.

He is coming to see me one last time & we can have sex with no negative repercussions. I would never have sex with him knowing that she would withhold sex from him. I am not a selfish person & do not want to be involved in anything negative or dishonest. She is perfectly ok with the one last time thing & would say so if she wasn't. I'm glad for this.

She allowed him to have sex with me & they had an understanding long before they even got married. Why they got married with incompatible sex drives is beyond me but maybe I'm mistaken. Again, I will never accept being subject to veto power again, live & learn. My first real foray into poly. No regrets.

She did not snoop. He asked her & she claimed she didn't so I will believe it. She said some very unusual things way back when & I message was read at a time that he wasn't up (on Facebook) so I was suspicious but I have to take people at their word. I found someone else you had a glitch on FB so I will believe the FB thing was a glitch as well.

J & I are incredibly honest with each other, you may or may not wish to believe this but we are. We have been from the very beginning. The only thing he doesn't disclose is certain things his wife says to preserve her privacy. I have no doubts about his honesty.

Thanks to you all for your words, very very helpful. J & I have been messaging this morning & I'm feeling better. Going to the gym to work out some frustrations & get some endorphins pumping.
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Last edited by Hetaera; 07-01-2013 at 02:24 PM.
  #13  
Old 07-01-2013, 02:12 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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They are pretty happy with each other from what I can but then again I don't believe in monogamy & I believe that most relationships are leases rather than lifetime commitments....the only true lifetime commitments are those with your children IMO.

She was ok with poly in theory & when it came to it in practice, it was hard for her to handle which I totally understand. Admittedly, they have a baby & she isn't into being with anyone else which in my mind creates an imbalance. Also a woman with a new baby feels particularly vulnerable...I know I've been there. I tried to warn J of all of this but he assured me it was all ok...wishful thinking? Anyway, this was all new for all of us & we certainly learned a lot. I think Einstein said "There is no failure, only feedback"...I will take that advice here.

I love J, I love his wife & I love their child. I hope we can all remain friends & I hope that I can get into a more serious relationship where I have someone in my life more regularly who allows me to love others & fulfill all my needs. I've tried monogamy & I just don't think it's for me...I hope my next SO accepts that.
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  #14  
Old 07-02-2013, 12:48 PM
london london is offline
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I think you've kind of absolved your former partner of any accountability here. He agreed to a veto. He made the choice. He choose not to limit the emotional availability in his relationships even though he knew they could be terminated by his wife. You chose to become significantly entwined with someone with a veto. She had her issues with polyamory for sure, but everyone else made choices that led to this point too.
  #15  
Old 07-03-2013, 12:00 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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I think you've kind of absolved your former partner of any accountability here. He agreed to a veto. He made the choice. He choose not to limit the emotional availability in his relationships even though he knew they could be terminated by his wife. You chose to become significantly entwined with someone with a veto. She had her issues with polyamory for sure, but everyone else made choices that led to this point too.
As always London, a response utterly lacking in compassion or understanding. Salt in my wound.
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  #16  
Old 07-03-2013, 01:16 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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As always London, a response utterly lacking in compassion or understanding. Salt in my wound.

No no that's not right. I'M the one utterly lacking in those things. ME. Not london. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.
  #17  
Old 07-03-2013, 03:10 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
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No no that's not right. I'M the one utterly lacking in those things. ME. Not london. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be.
I haven't found that to be true yet....London regularly pisses me off on my posts & other people's...so it's not like I'm overly sensitive with my own issues. I'm in grad school to become a psychologist so I look for constructive ways to help people. I'm honest to a fault, but I always temper my honesty with compassion for the other person & try to find a way to make sure my advice will be heard. This harda$$, tough love approach is about the person giving the advice & their baggage, not about what's best for the recipient of the advice & I'm sick of it. There's a way to be honest & candid without being a jerk. Yeah yeah, I've heard there's different versions of compassion & I just don't buy it, compassion is compassion. There's tough advice to hear tempered with love & then there's I'm a just a jerk pretending my advice is tough love. It's harmful & it certainly isn't helpful. All these tough lovers need to start getting tough with themselves & leave the rest of us alone.
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  #18  
Old 07-03-2013, 04:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I haven't found that to be true yet....
Keyword - YET.

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London regularly pisses me off on my posts & other people's...
I just haven't said anything to piss YOU off - YET. Other people think my posts are just as bad if not worse than london's. The difference between me and london, however, which could be the reason I actually have made some friends here, is that I can take it as well as I can dish it out, and london can do one of those things well and the other not at all.

Quote:
so it's not like I'm overly sensitive with my own issues.
You say so, but I don't know you. So I'll just read your posts and decide whether or not they are in accord with this statement.

Quote:
I'm in grad school to become a psychologist so I look for constructive ways to help people.
You should know that london claims, as do I, to be on the Asperger's spectrum. What does that mean to you as a graduate student studying to become a psychologist who wants to "help" people?

Quote:
I'm honest to a fault, but I always temper my honesty with compassion for the other person & try to find a way to make sure my advice will be heard
I appreciate that sentiment, but I do not share it (all the time). I don't have the time to get into it right now, and this is not the right thread to do so, but there is more than one way of doing that, and my feeling is that "making sure my advice will be heard" is not possible. People will hear your advice or they won't. I've had people PM me or come back later and say that they didn't like my advice because of the "way" i wrote it, but that I was RIGHT and they appreciate it after all. True, there are probably fewer of those than the "OMG THANK YOU's" that someone like Gala Girl receives, but quality over quantity and I'm not collecting trophies or letters of recommendation from people. We're all here for free; we are not here to pretend we're great therapists (I'm sorry - some of us ARE. I should qualify my "we's).



Quote:
This harda$$,
You can say "ass" in all of its forms on here.
Quote:
tough love approach is about the person giving the advice & their baggage, not about what's best for the recipient of the advice & I'm sick of it. There's a way to be honest & candid without being a jerk. Yeah yeah, I've heard there's different versions of compassion & I just don't buy it, compassion is compassion. There's tough advice to hear tempered with love & then there's I'm a just a jerk pretending my advice is tough love. It's harmful & it certainly isn't helpful.
When you start your own psychotherapy practice and have people paying you to tell them what you think they need to hear, then you will be in control of all that. Until then, you will have to figure out a way to cope with the fact that not everyone is like you and you don't have to "buy it". I have a very deliberate way of communicating in writing which does tend to rub people the wrong way, but that does not mean I'm projecting my "baggage" onto other people.

Quote:
All these tough lovers need to start getting tough with themselves & leave the rest of us alone.
If "the rest of us" want to be left alone, go be alone.

You cannot even BEGIN to know how "tough with themselves" other people are. I can't speak for anyone else, but I am tougher on myself than I am on all of the people on this forum combined. Why? Because I have to LIVE with myself. I don't have to live in any of the fucked-up situations I read about on here because I did not CREATE those fucked-up situations. I create my OWN fucked-up situations, and i DEAL with them, and if I ask for advice and I don't like it, I figure the other people just don't get it, and I don't lecture THEM about the WAY they gave their (free) advice.

You know, the thing about free advice, is that you don't get your money back. When you grow up and get a job, and people come to you and pay for your advice, and they don't like it, or it doesn't help or makes things worse when they try to follow it, will you give them a refund? I am just wondering about that.



Having said all that, I agree with london's last post, the one you took issue with. I don't think it was harsh or bad at all, it just rephrases back to you what YOU said, but from an outsider's perspective. I found it to be virtually devoid of judgement; more like what therapists actually are SUPPOSED to do, which is to say things back to the client in a non-emotional, pragmatic way. Many clients don't enjoy that, and become angry AT their therapists or counselors. That doesn't mean the counselor is "doing it wrong". It means they are trying to get you to disengage momentarily and see things objectively.

You DID go into this knowing there was a possibility of a veto by the wife.

You DO appear to be letting the guy off the hook as if he had no choice in the matter.

Quote:
I think you've kind of absolved your former partner of any accountability here. He agreed to a veto. He made the choice. He choose not to limit the emotional availability in his relationships even though he knew they could be terminated by his wife. You chose to become significantly entwined with someone with a veto. She had her issues with polyamory for sure, but everyone else made choices that led to this point too.
All london has done is re-cap and summarize what YOU told us. I fail to see how anything in there is "salt in the wound". What you have done here is essentially the same as taking an apartment located above a nightclub and then complaining that you never get any sleep because of the loud music. Then you go and blame the club patrons because if it weren't for them, there wouldn't be a nightclub below your apartment.

So if you weren't pissed off with me before, are you pissed off at me NOW?
  #19  
Old 07-03-2013, 06:47 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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I know it felt like salt in the wound, but it was honest. Now, there are people here that piss me off regularly and I just ignore them, to the point that I honestly don't even write when I agree with them! (as rare as that is) There are others on here that make me shake my head and wonder what crawled up their butt and died. However, whatever approach was used, I have to agree with London on this one.

It will help going forward to realize that all anyone can do is control themselves. You can not control him or his wife. However, he was letting his wife control him. HE said it was okay for her to use a veto.

Now, I'm married, long term and often get crap on the whole couples privilege thing. Do hubby and I have certain agreements between ourselves? Abso fuckin lutely! However, they are agreements between us, and so I am just as responsible for them as he is. If I give him veto power it's as much my prob when he uses it as him!

I get you love him and it's easier to blame the whole sitch on her and her decision to use this veto, but it's just as much his fault for how he handles it. He could stand up and say, "Hon I love you and if you need us to slow down fine, but you do not get to tell me I have to end a relationship. It's my relationship, not yours."

He chose not to. Sucks ass, but there it is. I'm only saying this because honestly I have been on BOTH sides of this. Lost friends because of someone pulling a veto and their partner not being honest or standing up against it and me being given the short end. As well as being married and DH and I discussing veto power and all that. (For the record, we realize veto power is a catch 22 and so useless so don't worry about it.)
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  #20  
Old 07-03-2013, 10:36 PM
PaulDrakket PaulDrakket is offline
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Yours is a shitty situation for sure. I agree with Marcus here, hierarchy kills the ability to truly associate freely (I feel the same way about titles in general, but that's another issue). I feel bad for you, and I definitely think that it's a good move not to put yourself in this kind of position again. Being involved with people who don't value true relational freedom is risky; they let themselves be controlled, and you can end up being cut out by a third party.

'No regrets' you say? Good for you! That's a badass attitude, and it will save you a lot of past-related grief. Far too many people regret positive, learning experiences.

I hope that things go your way eventually; maybe he'll break the leash, who knows? Best of luck.
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A: Straight female, newest in my life

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