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Old 07-03-2013, 05:21 AM
veronavixen veronavixen is offline
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 6
Default Something amazing & frightening...

I am so glad I found this forum because I have a not so complicated question. Tonight my boyfriend of three months told me "I kind of love you," which for him - being that he isn't a very open guy - is a big thing. After a few minutes of being gobsmacked, I said "I kind of love you too." So, here in lies the question; should I tell my husband of this exchange? My husband - or primary - knows about him and is of course okay with everything. I just don't know how he would take this turn in our relationship.
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Old 07-03-2013, 12:59 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

Isn't love kind of the point? Did you and your husband expect to have relationships with other people and not come to love them? I apologize, as I am a little confused by your question.
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Old 07-03-2013, 01:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

What is the big deal?

I mean, I know it seems a big deal for the relationship between you and BF, as it's a nice step toward becoming closer and caring more, yadda yadda, but why would it require a big announcement, or be something you would be nervous about telling your husband? Love is what polyamory is all about.

What is it that frightens you about a simple feeling?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 07-03-2013, 01:08 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

It's "i love you", not "i have gonorrhea" or "i'm pregnant". It's like the weather. Chill.
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Old 07-03-2013, 02:44 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by veronavixen View Post
I just don't know how he would take this turn in our relationship.
If you don't know, I assure you that a bunch of strangers on the internet don't know.

1. Dump your boyfriend and become monogamous with your husband again because you are afraid to talk to him
2. Talk to your husband and tell him that your feelings for bf have changed
3. Keep the change in feelings a secret and build your relationship on a foundation of deception
Am I leaving anything out?
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 07-04-2013, 12:55 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,867

For some of us saying the "L"-word is a big deal...for others not so much.
(You can read my post the first time I said it to my boyfriend HERE).

The question is - what does this mean to you, your boyfriend, and your husband? Only those involved know the dynamic.

When you and your husband were discussing polyamory - what agreements did you two come to about what/how much of your relationship with another partner was expected to be disclosed? Is your new partner aware of these expectations?

In our particular arrangement, the possibility for new loves developing is why our arrangement works - it's kind of the point. However, there is the expectation that as things "develop" we talk about them and each individual's (EACH individual - old partners, new partners, metamours, etc.) concerns and comfort levels. In addition to being partners and lovers we are all friends. If I was developing a relationship with someone and emotions were getting deeper, that is certainly something that I would share/talk about with a close friend - so, of course, I would talk about it with my husband and my boyfriend.

Your situation may be different.

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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