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  #11  
Old 06-30-2013, 08:59 AM
london london is offline
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I agree with nycindie. Good poly is about maintaining multiple loving relationships, not neglecting you're responsibilities and obligations while you try and form new ones. I'd show them this thread. Seriously. Sometimes one does need outsiders to say "actually, your partner isn't being unreasonable or controlling, you're the one being a bit of a cunt", especially when one had reached an impasse like this.
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  #12  
Old 06-30-2013, 03:20 PM
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As busy as you two are with work and school and very young child, I can not imagine having energy for adding a new lover.

Bless.
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  #13  
Old 06-30-2013, 03:35 PM
Amnati Amnati is offline
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Their response to my requests have all been "Well, we can't really form a relationship that isn't based on sex without seeing each other at least once a week." It really hurt the other day after I mentioned my concerns that he decided to tell my wife that he wants to see her either more than once a week or for longer periods than the day that they have.

He and his fiancee came out to visit on Friday, so i could meet them for the first time, they seemed really nice and all. It was just that after my wife and I spent a ridiculous time cleaning the house for their visit and getting to spend the evening making googly eyes at him in front of me, she got very mopey the next day and decided that she had to go see him. So I guess they are getting their more time together. I was looking forward to having some time together to go blueberry picking or some bullshit "date" that we would have our son along with. Now I have to take my son into the office with for a few hours to boot. Next week may even be a two day weekend for them as I don't have my stupid D&D group meeting. It feels like she is saying, "here hubby, since you don't have your one distraction this week I'm going steal more of your time. Thanks." NRE sucks monkey balls and it is making me reconsider this poly stuff, and it has only been a goddamn month.
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  #14  
Old 06-30-2013, 04:45 PM
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Morava Morava is offline
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I think she is being a little selfish. Maybe you could ask her if she could switch 2 of her nights a month to staying Saturday nights and taking your son with her, once you meet than man and he meets your approval. Let her know exactly, word for word, write it down if you have to. A lot of being poly is communication and even if it seems petty or small and they think you are being irrational those feelings matter.

As for being discouraged on OKCupid, it is a fairly common complaint. It took a few weeks for people to talk with my husband too. We seriously got lucky in our situation. Try other dating sites as well. Don't worry, it will get easier.
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  #15  
Old 06-30-2013, 05:33 PM
Amnati Amnati is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
As busy as you two are with work and school and very young child, I can not imagine having energy for adding a new lover.

Bless.
That seems to me to be part of the problem, no energy for our existing relationship. She doesn't see why our relationship dynamic has to change just because she has a new boyfriend and we are both adapting to polyamory. She just has NRE to help smooth everything over.

What really hurt the other day was that after I tried to talk directly with my metamour and his fiancee, they got concerned that I wasn't being reasonable. That they need at least once a week overnight, if not more to really establish a relationship that is not based on sex (although they fuck at least four times per visit, which is way more attention than I get during the rest of the week). Then the next day he texted my wife saying that he would like to meet either for a longer weekend or twice a week, despite (or in spite of) my concerns. Thankfully that was the first red flag she saw. I think part of his problem is that he is unemployed (looking for a job) and his fiancée is studying for her PhD. So he has all the time in the world to obsess about my wife.

Then on Friday they came over for dinner so I could meet them, they seemed like nice people. We played some card games, they googly eyed at each other all night without some much of a glance at me (although he was nice enough to cuddle and give his fiancée attention as well). We spent all week deep cleaning the apartment for this visit. So they left around 1am which left no time for me as my wife had for hours of sleep the night before. (She did mention how wet she had gotten with him being here). So finally, I was hoping to have a Saturday and Sunday together with her, there were some birthday parties to go to and friends to help move, and all she could do was more around because she didn't get to spend "quality time" with him. So she decided that she needed to go spend the rest of the weekend v down there. My choice was to encourage or not encourage. I decided to encourage it (although being very clear about how I was going to be "OK" but an emotional wreck). I decided this because she was going to be mopey the rest of the week and I wouldn't be getting attention anyway, at least this way I have a chance at some attention this week (however, it means I have to bring my son to the lab with me for a couple hours today).

Then to throw one more curve ball at me, I don't have my gaming group meeting up next week, so they want to spend two nights together since I have nothing else better to do. It feels like she is saying, "Hey hubby, since you don't have your meager weekly distraction next week, I'm going to leave you here with the little man even longer so I can keep getting my brains fucked out even longer!"

It has only been a goddamn month, but I'm seriously starting to question being poly. At least when I was seeing someone I brought new energy home (I wasn't emotionally attached, as I stated earlier). So far with this new relationship of hers all i'm feeling is jealousy and pain, with a side dish of be responsible for the kid when you hurt the most, with nothing positive in return. And it has become far too late (since their first date really) to do anything about it.

Sorry if another post of mine pops up that is very similar, I was having issues with the internet.
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  #16  
Old 07-01-2013, 03:50 AM
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Morava Morava is offline
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I understand the newness hasn't worn off yet but she needs to realize she is still married and a mother. It is bullshit she is leaving you on your night. Ruin her plans, go out get a drink and maybe you can find conversation if nothing else. You deserve to have equal treatment as her.
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  #17  
Old 07-01-2013, 03:57 AM
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Show her this thread.
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  #18  
Old 07-01-2013, 04:00 AM
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Morava Morava is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Show her this thread.
That is an excellent plan.
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  #19  
Old 07-01-2013, 01:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amnati View Post
(although they fuck at least four times per visit, which is way more attention than I get during the rest of the week)... I think part of his problem is that he is unemployed (looking for a job) and his fiancée is studying for her PhD. So he has all the time in the world to obsess about my wife... they googly eyed at each other all night without some much of a glance at me... I'm going to leave you here with the little man even longer so I can keep getting my brains fucked out even longer
You seem like you're trying to be rational but this garbage is not going to help you get there.

While this is kind of advanced stuff (deep end), I recommend getting a handle on this sooner rather than later. You need to separate what it is you want out of your relationship from what they are getting out of their relationship. Meaning: how many times they have sex should optimally not even be a blip on your radar, but if *you* want more sex with her then I suggest you hire a sitter, put on some Al Green, and practice your sensual massage techniques. Whatever it takes... but *their* relationship is *their* issue, you focus on what it is that *you* want and own it.

The hard truth of the thing is that she does not exist to sate your desires, nor does she exist to make sure you feel emotionally valued. This is your job.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amnati View Post
Next week may even be a two day weekend for them as I don't have my stupid D&D group meeting. It feels like she is saying, "here hubby, since you don't have your one distraction this week I'm going steal more of your time. Thanks." NRE sucks monkey balls and it is making me reconsider this poly stuff, and it has only been a goddamn month.
"Polyamory" is not what is allowing your time to be dictated for you; that is your being passive. If you don't want your time which was scheduled for whatever to be scrapped because the whatever got cancelled then you need to speak up. Use your words... it's your time and you get to decide what is done with it. But... BUT... this is only an adult step if you are doing it to preserve authority over your own time and NOT because you're trying to deny them another date.

This comes back to what I was saying before, you need to work on being able to determine where you end and everyone else begins. You get authority over everything within the 'you' bubble and need to learn to let everyone else deal with their own area of authority. Your sex drive and emotional state are in the 'you' bubble, for the sake of clarity.
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  #20  
Old 07-01-2013, 08:42 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Stop comparing

I understand that you are feeling left out, but you have got to stop keeping score (I get six hours, SHE gets 24 hours). It will drive you insane!

Instead, figure out what the problem is. Is it that you don't feel the two of you spend enough time without distractions? Is it that you feel jealous that she found someone....and you haven't? Is it that you feel jealous that she gets time to relax away from kids and chores....and you don;t? Is it that you're worried she'll leave you for the new guy?

If you know what the problem is, it's easier to solve it.
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