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Old 06-27-2013, 03:23 PM
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Newbie9 Newbie9 is offline
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Default Hello everyone!

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice.

I am a naturally monogomous person and my boyfriend is not. He has cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had including me. I have broken up with him several times with him because of it. I know how much he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me and know he really wants is to have lasting love in his life. It is a struggle for him to stop what comes naturally to him and I don't want to make him sacrifice something he needs in his life even though I don't really understand it.

We are both in our 30's

I don't think I can be poly or be with a poly guy. I suggested that loving me and his desire to date other women are separate issues that have nothing to do with each other and maybe he should look into the idea of being poly. He says he's not poly that it's a ridiculous idea, that he loves me and that he can "change"

His actions over the last 3 years tell a different story

We live together and are 2 months in to a year lease and I don't want to be a prison warden girlfriend, I don't want to be lied to and cheated on, and I don't want him to be miserable either. I'm highly skeptical of his insistence that he can be monogomous and that I can just trust him and we can live in peace. I feel like if he is going to be dating/having relationships/ having sex with other women I'd prefer to be informed about it so we can just be friends and I can spend my time finding a naturally monogomous man to share my romantic life with instead of sitting around constantly questioning my sanity from being deceived.

He is not an evil sociopath or an abuser of any sort and we are both miserable. I don't think he can help it nor do I think he should, any more than I think a gay person should try to be straight. Any suggestions?
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Old 06-27-2013, 04:12 PM
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KingCobra KingCobra is offline
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I'm pretty new here myself (lurked for a couple months) and I think you're probably looking for this board: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4

Suffice to say that's a very sad situation to be in, my heart goes out to you. My gut instinct on the matter is it's clear he gets either swept up with or interested in women besides the one he's with and that won't change. Words are wind and actions speak truth. It sounds like you're both not having the same relationship.

In a true poly situation to my understanding, all parties (even those who are mono) consent and are aware of what's going on to the level of their comfort.

Cheating is not poly, it's a destructive behavior that breeds mistrust and without trust ANY relationship falls apart. If you think you could handle it with him dating around, though you could discuss some ground rules to start, or you may just both want different things, but either way he should be completely honest about what he wants in his relationships and so should you.

Good luck!

Last edited by KingCobra; 06-27-2013 at 04:13 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 06-27-2013, 08:05 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello Newbie9,
Welcome to our forum.

There is always a chance that someone can change, but in this case I admit that it seems like your boyfriend will not change. (Whether he theoretically *could* change is another philosophical topic.)

I hear you that he is not a bad person or anything, but it just sounds like the two of you are not compatible. I agree with you, he should consider being polyamorous, rather than just cheating all the time. But that's his call, you can only make suggestions to him, you can't decide his decisions.

There is no 100% guarantee here of what you should do, but those are my impressions based on what I've read. Hope things work out for both of you guys.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 06-27-2013, 10:13 PM
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Thanks guys!

I've been poking around the site all day and and came across this thread

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9172

And wow! Did that really give me some things to think about.

I think at this point in time my focus should be on myself and figuring out what I want and just letting him be. He knows I am here to talk if he wants. I'm just going to be nice. It's just so awkward because he wants me to buy his nonsense about how he's capable of being faithful and I just can not believe that and I won't pretend I do.
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