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Old 06-27-2013, 12:23 AM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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Default I made the biggest mistake of my life

I need some advice and don't even know where to begin. I've been married for 21 years and started my first polyamorous relationship 2 years ago. I met another married man and my time was split during the week with him and my husband. We had falling out and broke up for a year. During that year I was still trying to get over him I never thought I'd be able to get back together with him. So I met somebody else and fell in love. when I met this new person I told him of my previous polyamorous relationship and things were not clear but apparently he did not want me to talk about my ex and when I mention I was thinking of getting back together with him he just said he didn't want to hear any more about it. I Didn't really understand what that meant but I got back together with my ex. I never told the guy currently seeing about him because my ex wanted to keep things on the down low. I wanted to tell him and I thought he'd be ok with it.

I just thought he didn't want to talk about him anymore and maybe he was afraid that it would affect my marriage in a negative way. I mean the guy I was currently seeing was not my husband and we had an open relationship he was seeing other people as well. I really didn't think that he would have a problem with it as long as my husband was okay with it. But when he found out he felt like I lied to him and sneaking around and he doesn't like my ex. So he broke up with me and at the same time my ex who I was seeing again now hasn't talked to me in about a month. I've tried texting him and sometimes he doesn't respond and finally I emailed him and ask him what was going on and he said he's really busy and relax don't worry everything's fine. I can't help to feel like something is wrong and I lost the guy I was seeing as well. I feel like I really love these two guys and now I'm devastated. I don't feel like I did anything wrong either one of them but I don't have either one anymore.

It seems. I don't know what to do with myself if I should beg the guy I was currently seeing to reconsider and explain my side of things and break up with my ex. Although he seems very close to any communication. I feel like it was just bad communication and he did something similar to me. I feel like I really lost a good friend who genuinely cared for me and loved me and I loved him for a guy who I was madly in love with and is treating me like shit. Any advice?
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Old 06-27-2013, 12:58 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Never beg for someone's affections. That is undignified and will only make you look pathetic, to be begging for love. Sorry it sucks right now, but stand tall.

It's unfortunate that you are in pain right now, but the guy that broke up with you wanted to restrict you in ways that seem unreasonable to me. Maybe you're better off without such a control freak telling you what to do and what to say. But of course, you can't see that right now. And besides, wouldn't you rather that a guy enthusiastically wants to be with you without having to convince him of such?

Right now, you need to focus on what you do have, not what you don't have. You've got a marriage that works, with an open-minded husband and the freedom to have additional relationships. You still have a boyfriend, but he's just a little busy right now. Don't harass him -- you're being too needy and clingy -- so leave him be and stop freaking out. Talk to friends, a therapist, or write in a journal, to find healing over the break-up. It does seem to me, from what you wrote and how you wrote it, that you lose a little too much of yourself in your relationships.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-27-2013 at 01:50 AM.
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Old 06-27-2013, 01:37 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Don't chase someone who has decided that you aren't a good fit for them. Regardless of the reason. It's disrespectful to them and it makes you look foolish and childish.
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Old 06-27-2013, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I made the biggest mistake of my life
Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I don't feel like I did anything wrong either one of them but I don't have either one anymore.
Did you make the biggest mistake of your life or did you not do anything wrong? This is either you saying what you think people want to hear or your are just really unclear on what is actually going on.

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Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I Didn't really understand what that meant but I got back together with my ex ... I feel like it was just bad communication and he did something similar to me
It sounds like you were (and are continuing to) making assumptions about information which was critical. Knowing if your partner is ok with your having another boyfriend is a pretty critical piece of information which should have been explicit.

While these particular relationships might not be salvageable, for the sake of your future relationships I recommend doing a lot less guessing and a bit more unambiguous conversation.

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Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I don't know what to do with myself if I should beg the guy I was currently seeing to reconsider and explain my side of things and break up with my ex.
Only you know the answer to these questions but from my perspective, begging is a form of emotional bullying. When a person is blubbering and begging, if their target capitulates to their will it is not because their perspective has changed... but to get the blubbering baby to stop crying.

Try just being honest. Be direct. Say what you mean. Take full responsibility and authority over your feelings and actions.
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Old 06-27-2013, 03:38 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you hurt.

Initial feedback:
  • Breathe.
  • Do not beg.
  • Take the time out. You don't have to decide anything right this minute when you are in high emotion.

Feedback for when you are calmer:

Could note these places where you could improve your way of going.

You seemed to hope for harmonious concurrent relationships with DH, BF1 and BF2. But your behavior --
  • Not talking things out with BF2 before jumping in with BF1 again
  • Not negotiating with BF1 that one of your boundaries before starting with him again is being free to tell your other partners about him being back in the picture.

Does not appear to support or promote concurrent harmonious relationships with these people.

You cannot control what other people do in their conduct but if your goal or hope was harmonious concurrent relationships, you could align your OWN behavior to point toward the goal/hope.

You steer your car right? To help get to where you hope to get to? You don't just press the gas pedal and vrrrooom off right?

Could examine your own intrapersonal and interpersonal skills:
  • I don't know what kind of agreements were in place in the open relationship with BF2 but "not telling him about BF1 because we're open" seems like lies of omission or skirting very close to it.
  • I don't know if you just wanted to be with both and were afraid BF2 would say "Your ex is on the "too messy to deal with" people list for me. If you want to be with him, great. But for me that means we'd have to end."
  • You didn't seem to negotiate with BF1 about "I want to be free to tell my partners about us" to define THAT relationship's boundaries. I do not know if you were using BF1's want to "keep it down low" as justification for skipping out on asserting your own things like "I want to be free to tell my other partner's about us if we get together" to free you from having to sort it out with BF2 and "own" the emotional responsibility of that.
  • I don't know if you used the "BF2 and I are in an open relationship, he sees other people, why can't I?" as justification for leaving data out/not sorting it out beforehand well before jumping in.
  • I don't know if you are using his "I don't want to talk about your ex" as self justification to excuse yourself to you for not pressing the point you really didn't want to have or pursue in the first place.

I wonder if you able to "own" your stuff or do you look for ways to shift emotional responsibility off on other people?

I cannot tell. It sounds emotionally messy and weird. I am confused as to what your motivations may have been at the time.

I don't mean any of that in a rude way. I just mean that if you ARE in the habit of not owning your own stuff and not taking emotional responsibility? And are finding it isn't serving you well in your relationships? Perhaps you could examine this area then before starting a new relationship? Could pick a different way of going and see if that serves you better?

Esp if you hope your next new relationship is with BF2 in an attempt to reconcile.

I don't see how you could improve your emotional management and your way of going without taking a hard look at those areas if they apply here:
  • taking emotional responsibility
  • becoming more assertive
  • becoming ok hearing "No" and finding out where limits lie even if that means you don't get what you want/hope for.

To me it seems to me that some skills could be strengthened in there somewhere. The cast of players might change but your current way of going could still lead you to new emotionally messy places that are not fun for you if you leave it all unaddressed. YKWIM?

Sort yourself out first. Then sort out your relationships.

But if you want to get back together with BF2, could ask DIRECTLY one time when you both have cooled off. But do NOT BEG and ACCEPT his answer -- even a "no" answer.

It will be unfortunate that this is price you had to pay, but it is what it is. Could learn from it moving forward.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2013 at 03:59 PM.
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:02 PM
Polywife12 Polywife12 is offline
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I will agree with the confusion. See I met them both swinging and its not assumed or really discussed when it comes to limitations and communication seems unclear from my experience. I never felt I had the right to ask either of them who they were with. When I tried with bf2 he kind of bleWhichw it off acting like he was just swinging with others and we had something special. I didn't know what to believe and that maybe it's best if we had a dont ask dont tell relationship..... but yes my fault for not clarifying before going back to bf1. I didn't know if he was just saying things to keep me around but I willingly let it happened and allowed for poor communication. He's told my husband how he was disappointed and hurt from it all but couldn't see any wrong doing on his end. I don't get that at all!!!!!! With bf1 there is alot of drama and he's probably untrustworthy but I love him and I was willing to look past it all.. but I can see y bf2 would not like him. Bf2 was more sincere but I didn't know how much till now. I keep thinking of that saying. ..."u don't know what u got till its gone". So the worst mistake of my life is not communicating clearly..... that much I learned and I guess it is my fault too as much as its his fault for being so vauge.

I appreciate everyone's advice just wish I could fix all this! I am deeply hurt and after being married so long it confuses me so much when someone says they love u and care but just end a relationship over poor communication. I don't even know how I could fix this aside for leaving my ex...... even though I've mentioned that to him and he just dont want to hear it! Ugh........
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I see you are upset. I see you wish it were different right now. You seem pretty high emotion at this time.

Let it be what it has to be right now. Do your self care while internal emotional weather is storming. You will be ok. Just hang in there for it to blow on through.

Later when you are calmer, could IDENTIFY problem areas first perhaps? Then once indentified, consider how to REDUCE stress/volume/intensity? Not focus or rush on to FIX totally just yet but just ID and then REDUCE the load?

Baby steps.
  • BF1 -- does he ADD to your problems? Or TAKE AWAY from your problems? In what way?
  • BF2 -- does he ADD to your problems? Or TAKE AWAY from your problems? In what way?
  • DH -- does he ADD to your problems? Or TAKE AWAY from your problems? In what way?
  • You -- does you ADD to your problems? Or TAKE AWAY from your problems? In what way?

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2013 at 05:32 PM.
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Old 06-27-2013, 07:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I will agree with the confusion. See I met them both swinging and its not assumed or really discussed when it comes to limitations and communication seems unclear from my experience. I never felt I had the right to ask either of them who they were with. When I tried with bf2 he kind of bleWhichw it off acting like he was just swinging with others and we had something special. I didn't know what to believe and that maybe it's best if we had a dont ask dont tell relationship.....
I have seen people come here with a similar idea about poyamory -- they have the idea that it's all supposed to be about loving multiple people but feeling no jealousy, or abiding by others' "rules" without having their own clear boundaries, and then they don't know whether or not they can ask certain questions of their partners, or they think they're not allowed to define their own personal boundaries.

However, whether we're talking about swinging, polyamory, just friendships, or even work relationships, logic should dictate that if one is unclear about something and needs information, one should ask for clarification. Otherwise, we'd all be stumbling around in the dark.

As I said before, it seems that you lose yourself a bit in your relationships. Your hesitancy to ask for what you needed or to negotiate for what would make YOU comfortable, tells me that - and what I mean by it, is that you lose your sense of self to the point where you are not confident in taking action or making a choice. Otherwise, why would you feel you "never had the right" to ask simple questions to gain clarity on a dynamic between you and someone with whom you are sharing your body and developing a relationship? We may not get answers or satisfying responses, but we certainly all have a right to ask a question, to develop and express to others clearly what our boundaries are, and to find out whether the people we get involved are willing to respect our boundaries.

You let these men make all the rules for for how you could have a relationship. You lost a bit of yourself. And that is why, I think, it feels like such a wrenching hurt to not have him in your life right now - you let too much of yourself get wrapped up in him, and basically gave away your personal power.

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Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
He's told my husband how he was disappointed and hurt from it all but couldn't see any wrong doing on his end. I don't get that at all!!!!!!
Yes, people are mysterious sometimes. You may never understand his perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
So the worst mistake of my life is not communicating clearly....
Okay, now you're indulging in a bit of self-pity and melodrama. This is not the worst mistake of your life. The worst mistake of someone's life would be doing something like running over a kid and their grandma with the car on Christmas Day. This is a relationship ending - yes, painful, but don't blow it out of proportion. Come on now, you really need to get out of your head, stop blaming yourself and being overly self-critical (they made some bonehead moves, too), get grounded in your body, and get back down to earth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I appreciate everyone's advice just wish I could fix all this! I am deeply hurt and after being married so long it confuses me so much when someone says they love u and care but just end a relationship over poor communication.
Well, loving someone is simply not enough for a relationship to work. And many people have a low tolerance level for how much "work" a relationship needs. If the scales start tipping too much from being fun and lighthearted into being heavy, complicated, or a drain on their energy, they bail. It isn't necessarily that you did anything wrong. But you did forget yourself, and so now this is a learning experience which should point you in the right direction as to what inner work you need to focus on in order to build self-esteem and be more assertive and grounded in your relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I don't even know how I could fix this aside for leaving my ex...... even though I've mentioned that to him and he just dont want to hear it! Ugh........
What is there to fix? BF2 is gone. Leave it alone. Move on. Focus on YOU.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 06-27-2013 at 07:09 PM.
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