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  #71  
Old 06-27-2013, 04:09 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Something Woodsmith and I decided on. We aren't going to sign the marriage certificate (and if we need to get another one we will) until after we've started taking care of some of these issues so if it turns out we are going to have to move apart we don't have to go through all the legal stuff of nullifying a marriage.

However to demonstrate that we are committed to each other and fixing this we are going to enter a domestic partnership after the wedding.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #72  
Old 06-27-2013, 05:23 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Something Woodsmith and I decided on. We aren't going to sign the marriage certificate (and if we need to get another one we will) until after we've started taking care of some of these issues so if it turns out we are going to have to move apart we don't have to go through all the legal stuff of nullifying a marriage.

However to demonstrate that we are committed to each other and fixing this we are going to enter a domestic partnership after the wedding.
I don't understand why you are having a wedding at all. Why not push off the date? Not actually getting legally married just seems like a work around for a bad relationship.

Here is what I do not understand. Why are you with Woodsmith? Seriously. Why? He doesn't understand boundaries, he doesn't support you emotionally. He raped you.

From your description, he does not sound capable of being an emotional mature adult right now. Why do you stay? What are you getting out of this?

I wish you the best - I do. And I realize you post usually only the bad stuff because you are trying to figure things out for yourself.

But, CG, the bad stuff is really fucking bad. We're not talking minor disagreements but the big RED FLAG RUN AWAY BREAK UP stuff.

If you read over your blog, you will find the same issues about Woodsmith coming up again and again - and intensifying over time. Please consider getting out of this relationship. It's not going to get better.
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  #73  
Old 06-27-2013, 06:12 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I guess the answer has a couple of levels to it. I do love him. And I do think that if he actually works on stuff (which I have made clear to him finally that if he doesn't then it is a deal breaker and I'm gone) things would be fine.

But I also have this fear of myself that I wouldn't be able to find someone that would want me as a primary partner (mind you I have no idea if things with Primal would go that way if Woodsmith and I were to explode because he's mentioned he only wants me to see him as a secondary so I can have my relationship with Woodsmith be primary) and I know that I would become very clingy towards Primal without that and I don't want to harm his relationship with Lamian if that's not something that would be okay.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #74  
Old 06-27-2013, 09:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Fear is no reason to stay in a relationship. And why not drop all this need for primary and secondary labels or just all see each other as co-primaries -- you are often wrestling with issues surrounding labels, which are just arbitrary titles, really.

Also, love isn't all it's cracked up to be! Loving someone simply isn't enough to make a relationship nurturing and satisfying on all levels, nor is it enough for a true, functioning, mutually supportive partnership (which is what a marriage is) - people have to show up, keep their word, be trustworthy, and be there for each other, in order to be good partners. There are plenty of instances where it is more appropriate and healthy to let go of someone you love. I agree with Opalescent that you would probably benefit if you postponed the wedding and rethought this idea of getting married to someone who seems so wrong for you in so many ways.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-27-2013 at 09:07 PM.
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  #75  
Old 06-27-2013, 10:01 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Since we aren't doing any of the legal stuff there's a part of me that sees the wedding right now as a big party with friends and the promise that if the problems do get taken care of the legal stuff can be done later. I guess I figure since the money has already been paid may as well still have the big party even if no one there knows that the legal side of things isn't going to get done.

I know that love isn't enough which is why I've finally hit the point that if after now (when I've flat out told him that it's either all the therapy {his for the sex abuse, him getting his own mental health issues taken care of, us for couples} happens or we are done) if nothing changes I will be ending things. I just feel that since he just now realized how bad things are I need to give him that chance to fix things before ending everything.

I asked him during this conversation why he was with me and he said I make him want to be better to which I told him this was his last chance to buy a ticket to win the lottery because he seemed to think wanting to be better and not doing any work was enough.

One of the things that I know will need to be taken care of in couples counseling is during the conversation when I stated what needed to happen he informed me that the reason he spends more time tinkering and doing his own little projects rather than spending time with me is that he understands them and he doesn't understand me. I talked to Primal to see if he had any advice for Woodsmith he could talk to about because he does get me but that wouldn't work. One of the reasons he mentions he sometimes has problems even explaining how I am and work to Lamian (because she sometimes gets confused as to things they never had in their relationship is such a pivotal part for both Primal and I) but that he finds knowing me and what I need just comes to him as easy as breathing so trying to explain it the words are never there.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #76  
Old 07-06-2013, 08:23 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I am not okay. Don't worry, not depressed.

Mid April Primal's brother came to stay with us. It was only supposed to be for a week or two. He was leaving the tiny little town after he decided he needed to get away because of the fact he couldn't get clean off meth if there. Having HIV made it more difficult for him to find places but apparently St Louis had a halfway house he could stay at if he could make it. The halfway house knew our home was in the city.

PB gets here and is then told that since where he was staying was in the city and not the county he couldn't stay there. So PB starts to look for a job/someplace to live. May 26th he relapsed and decided he needed to go into rehab.

June 23rd Primal and Lamian took PB down to Hannibal where he was going to stay for his rehab. Wednesday he decided he was fine and left rehab and hitch-hiked back to St. Louis. Today after Woodsmith and I got home from my parent's I noticed he's here.

I'm not okay with this. If he hadn't relapsed earlier in the month or if he had actually put in the work of being at rehab things would be different. But if he wouldn't put in the work and rehab he isn't going to out. I'm not okay if he's going to be staying here again for an indefinite period of time. I'm not taking the risk of someone using in my home, coming home while high, or the people he's using with knowing where I live.

I haven't been able to sleep since getting home because of this (Got home at 11 it is currently 3:30). I'm going to inform Primal and Lamian that I'm not okay with this and that I will not be living in this house if he is going to be here again. Hell, I'm not even going to be staying the night in this house as long as he is here. This is a risk I am not willing to take and one that I do not agree to.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive

Last edited by CattivaGattina; 07-06-2013 at 08:33 AM.
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  #77  
Old 07-08-2013, 10:13 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Sunburns suck.

My not being able to sleep was for no reason. PB was only there that night because the people he was going to be staying with were out of town that night.

Saturday I did my first fire performance.

Sunday Primal and I spent the whole day at an amusement park. Other than my wallet and cell phone getting stolen 30 min before close it was an awesome day.

And then I woke up in a sunburn.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #78  
Old 07-14-2013, 05:15 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I feel like a bad girlfriend, pet, and slave today.

So I mentioned having my phone stolen on Sunday. This really sucks for me because I really enjoy texting Primal and Woodsmith throughout the day. Even if I don't get a response I want them to know they are on my mind and I love them.

Primal's boss was on vacation this week. Someone who was working at the store quit a few days before so things got really scuffled around. He's been working 12:30 to close shifts most days with a couple of open to closes.

In between that he's been broody and upset regarding his relationship with Lamian and her being really closed off to him (early today he admitted he has been depressed and anxious because of it) so pretty much anytime he isn't home he's been paying every ounce of his attention on her if she's home. A couple of weeks ago we had talked about the fact we both felt that our relationship wasn't getting enough time for the two of us and were going to spend more time together. This entire week we've had only 12 hours together, 6 of which we were asleep. Otherwise he's been fighting with Lamian, running off to do things with her because they have been fighting, or if she isn't at home heading out to just not be at home.

I hadn't realized I was hitting a emotional breaking point (this plus the not having the phone plus in a week he's going to a training for a week and I know he's going to want to spend most of his time before and after with his wife) until last night when I woke up in tears.

This morning I was able to articulate what was wrong but I still feel like I've betrayed him by listening to my emotions rather than trusting that he still loves me and wants me.

So now they are out and about again and won't be home till probably late. Woodsmith is out at his family farm with his dad probably until sometime tomorrow. And because Lamian doesn't like Primal really focusing attention on me if she's home (he isn't the best at splitting his attention, if he's sitting between us and being affectionate with one the other will get ignored) I know I won't have any time to reconnect with him until Wednesday. Plus he leaves either next Sunday or Monday for his work training so again it's going to be a time where I'll only have about 12 hours with him and at least half of those will be asleep.

So now I'm a complete mess.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #79  
Old 07-14-2013, 05:18 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Also thought I'd have an update on things with me and Woodsmith. He's actually doing what I asked of him and I have also realized that there are somethings that I need to remember about him.

He doesn't know how to communicate with the love language of touch or quality time. He's a gift giver. So when I'm doing poorly and he buys me something rather than spending time with me or cuddling that's his way of trying to make me feel better.

I do sometimes get a little apprehensive when he starts doing/saying something sexually based but I know a lot of that is because I still don't know what has driven him in the past to break my boundaries due to my past and until we have some progress there I'm probably not going to have a full comfort level.

Other than that he's been back to being present with me in the ways he was before I got sick so really good things are coming back there.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #80  
Old 07-15-2013, 12:21 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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God I hate my mother. She's a conniving, fucking bitch who tries to guilt trip me and when it fails in the past has hit me.

She seems to think that if I do ANYTHING not with Woodsmith that we are going to fall apart. I just went off on her. Basically a reminder I have a life without him as well and he's not my entire focus on everything.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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