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  #1  
Old 06-25-2013, 03:56 PM
Linton Linton is offline
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Default Difficulties and unexpected things in Polyamory -- everything except jealousy

Hi!

The form of polyamory which appeals to me is a closed group marriage (about 7 people) in a co-housing community.

The kind of issues / problems / conflicts / unexpected things (not necessarily negative) / misunderstandings which interest me are internal community issues (e.g. interpersonal relations within the community or arranging community space), not external ones (e.g. relations with relatives, job problems).

Suppose the community consists of people who are all sexually attracted to each other (the community is either all-bi or all-gay or all-lesbian) and totally unjealous. Have any of you lived in such a community? Please share your experiences.

One of the best articles I found on the subject is
http://worldpolyamoryassociation.net...ed-and-dating/

Problems #10, 9, 7, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1 don't apply here.

Problem #8 is something I've already thought about. I hope someone will write more detailedly on this topic here.

#5 is a humorous one but it brings to attention whether members get more joy from sex in duos (forming "couples" for one or more nights) or from sex in gangbangs (forming trios / sleeping all together). (Remember in my model all members are sexually attrackted to each other.)

I've been reading several life stories and blogs, and all of them are either by a member of a hetero group (e.g. a straight woman living with two straight men) or by a member of a hetero/bi group (e.g. 2 bi women and 1 straight men). The usual difficulties they describe are: A. (A bit of) jealousy because not all members are sexually attracted to each other B. fails when dating outside the group C. being bored when it's not your turn tonight

However, these are not the difficulties which would arise in a closed group bi/gay/lesbian marriage.

I would like people here to share their thoughts and experiences.
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Old 06-26-2013, 01:20 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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While not technically impossible - the practical problem of finding SEVEN people who are all attracted (romantically/sexually) to each other at the same time...the odds seem vanishingly small. Finding THREE people who are interested in each other all to the same degree seems, from the stories here, to be a difficult enough endeavor.

Each additional person adds more and more complexity to the situation. You might want to check out the polymath involved. Being all-bi or all-gay (either male or female) doesn't really diminish the complexity - not every gay male is attracted to every gay male, etc. (For instance, my boys are both straight and I am bi - we all are attracted to women. BUT not all of us are attracted to the SAME women, and even if we, somehow, were - that does NOT mean that she would be attracted to each of the three of US.)

Furthermore - attraction by itself is not enough to ensure a healthy functional relationship. Even LOVE is not enough...although many people delude themselves for years thinking that it SHOULD be.

This is an interesting thought experiment and could lead to an interesting idea for a novel...but in real life?

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
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Old 06-26-2013, 01:42 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linton View Post
The form of polyamory which appeals to me is a closed group marriage (about 7 people) in a co-housing community.
Relationship dynamic is determined by personalities and approaches of the people involved... not the people involved being determined by an arbitrary (and imaginary) dynamic.

One is a relationship... the other is just a contrived human experiment.
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Old 06-26-2013, 05:15 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linton View Post
The form of polyamory which appeals to me is a closed group marriage (about 7 people) in a co-housing community.

The kind of issues / problems / conflicts / unexpected things (not necessarily negative) / misunderstandings which interest me are internal community issues (e.g. interpersonal relations within the community or arranging community space), not external ones (e.g. relations with relatives, job problems).


The usual difficulties they describe are: A. (A bit of) jealousy because not all members are sexually attracted to each other B. fails when dating outside the group C. being bored when it's not your turn tonight

However, these are not the difficulties which would arise in a closed group bi/gay/lesbian marriage.
Why wouldn't they? Is everyone in this very hypothetical situation of yours from the planet Vulcan?

There used to be a group of seven people who were on here for a brief period of time, they were all supposedly involved with each other, men and women, and six out of the seven were paired off as "primary couples". The only thing I remember because it was so, well, amusing to me, is that one time, two of them got mad at the rest because the other five took a group shower while the two were at work or asleep or something, then another one of the guys flipped out and almost killed or injured some of the others. Then the posts abruptly stopped. Let me look it up for you. It's a fun read:

Here is a link to a search on the one who posted first and probably the most.

That should keep you out of trouble for a few hours. You can figure it out from here.
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Old 06-26-2013, 08:59 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I am bemused by the idea that just because everyone is gay that they would all be attracted to each other!!

Also when you rely on sexual attraction for your definition of familial harmony you will end up with the type of situation BG describes.

However I quite favour group marriage but not this orgy type of nonsense, but people who are united in friendship and commitment to the family, people can (and would, of course, being human) have various sexual romantic interest in any of the other people in the marriage. Such a large group would only work IMHO if people do not want and expect to have to sleep with anyone in the marriage they want to, some of the bonds would be friendship, some with benefits and some with greater or lesser romantic interest and jealousy tackled in just the same way as we work through it in any Poly relationship.

This whole idea that jealousy will be less of an issue because everyone is sexually attracted to each other is dangerously close to 'We want a Unicorn because then no one would be left out so there would be no jealousy and everyone would be happy' nonsense.
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:08 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Jesus-I remember that BG!

It seems damn near too complicated to worry myself over.

The other thing is-in my group of friends, I would say that damn near all of us are attracted to one another on a sexual level. However, we don't choose to be sexually involved for OTHER reasons that have nothing to do with attraction.

Just because I am attracted to someone doesn't mean I am going to fuck them. Likewise-just because I am bisexual doens't mean I will fuck any man and/or woman.
Furthermore-the fact that I happen to be in a poly V with two straight men doesn't mean I am straight. It means I haven't met a woman who is interested in dating me while I am in this dynamic, who I am also interested in dating, who is also a good fit for our family.

And there is the crux of the issue-even those of us who are bi and are sexually attracted to 7 people-can't seem to find 7 people we are attracted to, who are attracted to us, attracted to one another AND a good relationship fit for each of us individually and all together......
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Old 06-27-2013, 02:12 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Jesus-I remember that BG!
LOL. That one makes you want to bust out the Pirates Booty and tequila, and hold on for the ride.

I know it's someone's life, but... you just have to read it and see what i mean. I don't mean any disrespect, yo.


Quote:
And there is the crux of the issue-even those of us who are bi and are sexually attracted to 7 people-can't seem to find 7 people we are attracted to, who are attracted to us, attracted to one another AND a good relationship fit for each of us individually and all together......
Oh please. That is so NEGATIVE. And I think I perceive about 5 ppm hostility in that post. What is the MATTER with people on this forum? No OTHER forums are like that. Gaaahh.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-27-2013 at 02:16 AM.
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  #8  
Old 06-27-2013, 02:17 AM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Am I the only one who can't get the link to work? My curiosity has been piqued...
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  #9  
Old 06-27-2013, 02:33 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Try this:

Threads started by MariusdeRomanus

Threads started by Selene


I remember them because I joined this forum around the time their "Circle House" all fell apart.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-27-2013 at 02:48 AM.
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  #10  
Old 06-27-2013, 05:04 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Try this:

Threads started by MariusdeRomanus

Threads started by Selene


I remember them because I joined this forum around the time their "Circle House" all fell apart.
Aw linky no worky? Searchy token expiry? You diddum inna profile huhuhuh?

I was so fixated on the group-shower I forgot all about the Sirkel Hus.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-27-2013 at 05:08 AM. Reason: Not sure if I put the mlt in the right place. #technicalgermanincollege
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