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  #11  
Old 06-26-2013, 11:54 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you have an argument with your partner, that's your business and it's fine for you to share your business with anyone you want. I think rules like these ones are usually designed to keep a degree of separation between one's partner and their metamour.
I don't think it's the arguing that is an issue London, but the issue which caused the argument that the husband did not want the gf to know.
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  #12  
Old 06-26-2013, 12:03 PM
london london is offline
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Either way, I feel the same.
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  #13  
Old 06-26-2013, 02:53 PM
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Privacy and how much to communicate to one partner about dynamics with another can be a tricky issue to navigate. For more viewpoints from both sides, you can check out some other threads on this topic (always best to do a search first before starting a new thread. Chances are the topic has been discussed extensively already, and you can get a lot of insight from existing threads. And adding to older threads is a welcome practice here):

privacy/ limits with secondaries


My thoughts regarding privacy vs abuse


From our Golden Nuggets forum, on a thread called "Links to Other Threads Worth Reading" there is this post:

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  #14  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:00 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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nycindie-
thanks so much for the links to other threads!! I think I forget the wealth and depth of conversations and information on this forum, so it is good to be reminded!
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  #15  
Old 06-26-2013, 07:17 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
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Something like this happened in a previous relationship for me as well. I dont know what your "issue" was last summer, but for me it was that a former poly partner of mine proceeded to date and hook up with (have sex with) about 5 other women without telling me. Even after we had been poly, with others, and he should have known it was okay to tell me.

He told me that he didnt want me to tell people about what he had done. That it would affect his reputation, and we had mostly mutual friends at that point.

I told him to go scratch. This was something that had happened to ME (that he had cheated on me, without reason, just that he wanted to have contact without consequences..) and I had the right to share that experience and process my feelings about that. The purpose of it was not to malign him (although I wanted to do that very much at the time), it was for me.

If it had happened to someone else, that would be gossip, and is not for me to tell.

I can understand why someone would not want their partner talking about private matters that happened between them. But if you, the other partner to whom this happened, needs to talk about it, it is unfair for him to say you cannot have that opportunity.

Just my 2 cents.....
Willow
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  #16  
Old 06-26-2013, 08:32 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you have an argument with your partner, that's your business and it's fine for you to share your business with anyone you want. I think rules like these ones are usually designed to keep a degree of separation between one's partner and their metamour.
totally agree. BF and I discuss our spouses, our relationships with them, pretty much there is little i would not tell him and he me. not that it MUST be this way, but your life and experiences are yours to do with what you choose
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  #17  
Old 06-27-2013, 01:54 AM
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There is a good reason to be reasonably cautious however-
just because you have a RIGHT to do something does NOT MEAN IT IS A GOOD IDEA>

I keep reading "it's your right".

That's really not the point now is it?

The point is, will it be healthy and beneficial for you to?

I suggest caution-because talking about how someone hurt you doesn't JUST create opinions about the person who hurt you.

It also creates opinions about YOU and that CAN destroy both you, them and both of your individual chances at successful relationships within such a small community.

Something my husband and I discussed together, was "how we became poly". The bottomline is-it was a nasty mess that led us down this track. While it is important to be honest, something we noticed was that people made assumptions when we were open about this-INCORRECT assumptions. Assumptions that led US to disengage from all local poly communities...
Assumptions that led to behaviors that made it IMPOSSIBLE for either of us to date anyone who was carrying those assumptions-because it created an unhealthy situation for our family.

We got where we are today because I had an affair. I am NOT embarrassed to say so. I have been VERY forthright about it.
However-in being open and honest about it, I tainted the other poly women's opinions about me. In every case-the women he met IN the poly community who already knew this of me (because I was forthright about it)-all were ASSHOLES to me and my bf. The result being-that Maca can't date in that community-because I openly admitted to MY FUCK UPS and it ruined HIS dating opportunity.


So yes-you do have a RIGHT to talk about whatever happens to you. But-remember-it could damage your chances and other people's chances for healthy relationship options in that pool of people if you aren't careful.
Because you can't control how OTHER people chose to react after they have heard the information.
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  #18  
Old 06-30-2013, 04:06 AM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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Thank you again to everyone who commented! We reached an agreement that I can disclose pretty much anything I want to to each person, and that if either J or M want something specific kept totally private between the two of us, they will explicitly request that from me. I am also going to be intentional in sharing information that I see as sensitive even if there is no explicit ask for privacy (mostly in regards to conflicts since that is something that J has been sensitive about in the past).
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