I made the biggest mistake of my life
I need some advice and don't even know where to begin. I've been married for 21 years and started my first polyamorous relationship 2 years ago. I met another married man and my time was split during the week with him and my husband. We had falling out and broke up for a year. During that year I was still trying to get over him I never thought I'd be able to get back together with him. So I met somebody else and fell in love. when I met this new person I told him of my previous polyamorous relationship and things were not clear but apparently he did not want me to talk about my ex and when I mention I was thinking of getting back together with him he just said he didn't want to hear any more about it. I Didn't really understand what that meant but I got back together with my ex. I never told the guy currently seeing about him because my ex wanted to keep things on the down low. I wanted to tell him and I thought he'd be ok with it.
I just thought he didn't want to talk about him anymore and maybe he was afraid that it would affect my marriage in a negative way. I mean the guy I was currently seeing was not my husband and we had an open relationship he was seeing other people as well. I really didn't think that he would have a problem with it as long as my husband was okay with it. But when he found out he felt like I lied to him and sneaking around and he doesn't like my ex. So he broke up with me and at the same time my ex who I was seeing again now hasn't talked to me in about a month. I've tried texting him and sometimes he doesn't respond and finally I emailed him and ask him what was going on and he said he's really busy and relax don't worry everything's fine. I can't help to feel like something is wrong and I lost the guy I was seeing as well. I feel like I really love these two guys and now I'm devastated. I don't feel like I did anything wrong either one of them but I don't have either one anymore.
It seems. I don't know what to do with myself if I should beg the guy I was currently seeing to reconsider and explain my side of things and break up with my ex. Although he seems very close to any communication. I feel like it was just bad communication and he did something similar to me. I feel like I really lost a good friend who genuinely cared for me and loved me and I loved him for a guy who I was madly in love with and is treating me like shit. Any advice?