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  #31  
Old 06-26-2013, 11:13 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by SEcondary View Post
Check out Equal Love. page 2 in polymory.com I had the conversation with them. You did not. I believe just the opposite. It happens all the time. I could probably love another woman more than my wife and the other way around. Never been on a forum were people react like this. Go read the other post and pull your head out of your @%&.
Why did you quote me? I did not even post on your thread so your argument simply can't stand up when you make such a basic mistake.
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  #32  
Old 06-26-2013, 11:48 PM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Why did you quote me? I did not even post on your thread so your argument simply can't stand up when you make such a basic mistake.
Sorry I must have quoted you by mistake. It does not cancel what I said and other people have said about love.
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  #33  
Old 06-26-2013, 11:58 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by SEcondary View Post
Sorry I must have quoted you by mistake. .
Thank you, I thought so....
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  #34  
Old 06-27-2013, 12:00 AM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Thank you, I thought so....
Your welcome.
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  #35  
Old 06-27-2013, 08:27 AM
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zappafreak zappafreak is offline
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Default I'm back

Hello all, thanks for input and your sympathies.

I just spent some time out camping with a friend, away from the internets, the wife, and all other things. It was a very good experience for me...finding that it helps a great deal to step away from "normal life" so that I am not bombarded with the feelings of "wish you were here".

So I agree with what many have said...trying to decide whether I want to remain poly at this point is not a priority. The priority is picking up the pieces and getting my life back in order. I shouldn't be trying to start up another relationship right now anyway. My life is in such an upheavel right now, I'm not exactly sure which direction to turn.

I've truly decided to accept that this is happening. I've also decided that it is best that I don't see my wife for the time being, as it is so painful to see her when we have such different feelings for each other and I will inexplicably attempt to get her to reconsider (which she gets upset over as she has no interest). This is a very difficult thing to accomplish as we have a child together AND we own a business together. So we communicate daily, but I haven't seen her since Sunday.

I am glad that someone else pointed out Marcus' rash statements towards me. It seemed he had some advice somewhere in there, but it definitely felt like he was attacking me. I mean...dude. My wife just left me, show a little compassion?

To address specifically what you said here, YES I was concerned about the amount of family time we were creating in our household. I tried to create a schedule with her so that my daughter was getting enough time. I was starting to feel like we were 2 single family households living under the same roof, splitting time with our daughter. This was obviously an unhealthy thing for all of us involved. You further act as though I am being overly controlling - look sir, she is my wife, and I saw signs of her putting our family at risk. She was putting her time with BF way above her time with her family. It was a serious concern, and by the end result one can see that it was not handled well at all by her. When I was telling her she needed to spend more time with her family I thought I was telling her what she wanted for herself but was losing sight of because of NRE.

I never thought she would want to replace me. If I would have understood that, I would have handled all of this much differently. I just operated under the assumption that she wouldn't actually want to put her family at risk.
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  #36  
Old 06-27-2013, 08:47 AM
london london is offline
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In some people's world, they do not put ones responsibilities to their families before their responsibilities to their romantic partners. They cannot fathom the difference between you saying to your wife that you want to have more time with her and what you're actually saying which is that she is neglecting her responsibilities to the family unit. They think reminding someone that they need to be an attentive parent is an attempt to control them.
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  #37  
Old 06-27-2013, 10:23 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I think people who are not parents find it hard to understand how aware children are of family dynamics and changes to it. If this child was used to a specific amount of family time its absence would be missed and the father has the right to bring it up to the mother. I have, to my shame, also got lost in NRE and did not spend as much time being mentally present with my child as I had previously, we were not seemingly doing anything different but because I was distracted she noticed the difference and resented it, children can't rationalise things the way adults can. I only wished I had a spouse there to hit me upside the head and tell me to pack it in!! It is not control, it is common sense.
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  #38  
Old 06-27-2013, 01:40 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
I mean...dude. My wife just left me, show a little compassion?
If you found no compassion in any of what I said then we have vastly differing opinions of what constitutes compassion.

So, now I'm fucking off and I wish you well.
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Me: male, 40, straight, single
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  #39  
Old 06-27-2013, 01:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm see you took a camping "time out" for your mental health. You sound a bit better.

It seems you have decided on some initial steps like not seeing the wife, choosing to accept what is happening etc. That's good -- moving it forward.

Hang in there as you try to arrive at next steps. Remember you don't have to do it all in one go, take it one thing at a time. Consult who you have to consult along the way.

Even though you seem to be moving towards a divorce and working your way out of it, you are still inside the polymath and what one person does can affect the others. The "ripple effect" thing can still be felt. Could remember that, esp with the kid inside the math in there somewhere. This all affects kid too.

You don't have to stay in a marriage that is unfulfilling for sake of the kid, but could take the kid's transition into account and support kid through the change as best as possible even while supporting your own self.

You can get through this. Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2013 at 04:12 PM.
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  #40  
Old 06-27-2013, 03:05 PM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
Hello all, thanks for input and your sympathies.

I just spent some time out camping with a friend, away from the internets, the wife, and all other things. It was a very good experience for me...finding that it helps a great deal to step away from "normal life" so that I am not bombarded with the feelings of "wish you were here".

So I agree with what many have said...trying to decide whether I want to remain poly at this point is not a priority. The priority is picking up the pieces and getting my life back in order. I shouldn't be trying to start up another relationship right now anyway. My life is in such an upheavel right now, I'm not exactly sure which direction to turn.

I've truly decided to accept that this is happening. I've also decided that it is best that I don't see my wife for the time being, as it is so painful to see her when we have such different feelings for each other and I will inexplicably attempt to get her to reconsider (which she gets upset over as she has no interest). This is a very difficult thing to accomplish as we have a child together AND we own a business together. So we communicate daily, but I haven't seen her since Sunday.

I am glad that someone else pointed out Marcus' rash statements towards me. It seemed he had some advice somewhere in there, but it definitely felt like he was attacking me. I mean...dude. My wife just left me, show a little compassion?

To address specifically what you said here, YES I was concerned about the amount of family time we were creating in our household. I tried to create a schedule with her so that my daughter was getting enough time. I was starting to feel like we were 2 single family households living under the same roof, splitting time with our daughter. This was obviously an unhealthy thing for all of us involved. You further act as though I am being overly controlling - look sir, she is my wife, and I saw signs of her putting our family at risk. She was putting her time with BF way above her time with her family. It was a serious concern, and by the end result one can see that it was not handled well at all by her. When I was telling her she needed to spend more time with her family I thought I was telling her what she wanted for herself but was losing sight of because of NRE.

I never thought she would want to replace me. If I would have understood that, I would have handled all of this much differently. I just operated under the assumption that she wouldn't actually want to put her family at risk.
Things always work out in the end. If it doesn't then its not the end.
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