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  #11  
Old 06-26-2013, 03:02 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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I don't read anything in this situation as exceptionally poly in nature...that is, if something would smell bad in a monogamous relationship, it's still smells bad in poly!

So, in any other relationships would you:
Talk about
  • moving in with someone after only a month?
  • Tolerate a partner who actions are contrary to their promises? (They claim co-primary, but they treat you not even like a secondary, more like a playtoy)
  • Put up with being a dirty-little-secret to the partner's family & friends?
  • Excuse alcohol induced arguments and forgive it based on the blackout memory gap?

These are nothing to do with poly, these are just huge glaring red flags of an abusive relationship, period, end, stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Now, a new couple that has just opened a relationship is liable to have some growing pains, and there is liable to be some issues while they get their shit together. My ex has been experiencing this first hand recently, and to some extent it can be a phase that can transition through, but it can take a long time, and it doesn't need to be you putting up with crap in the meantime.

Regardless of if you stay (as others have indicated, this would be a bad bad idea from the details you provided), or go (much better plan), you'd be well advised to stick up for yourself with them, or any other couple and make sure you assert your own needs. If you need one-on-one communication, then you need to tell them that, and then hold them to it. All their little rules and regulations are all fine and dandy for them, but assert what you need for you! And they can either go with it, or not...and the relationship with it.
That's why it's a negotiation. Figure out what your hard limits are, and be willing to walk if they can't be agreed on or respected.

At any rate, if they figure this out at all, it'll probably be after a couple "thirds" tell them to go pound sand, so don't hang onto this because of some misplaced guilt or place the blame on yourself. Heed the your own instincts and the red-flags and get out while the getting is good. Let them learn the lesson about taking responsibility for their actions the hard way if needs be!
The "I'll promise not to do it again" nonsense is a smokescreen, and as long as there's no real or final consequence to the behavior like you walking out the door n'er to return, it'll continue to happen.

Go find yourself a partner or couple that is interested in at least trying to get their shit together. Your current ones haven't done their research, and you're going to end up paying the price.
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Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 06-26-2013 at 03:04 PM.
  #12  
Old 06-26-2013, 07:00 PM
Ntthegrlnxtdoor Ntthegrlnxtdoor is offline
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Default Thank you!!

I'm very overwhelmed by the response to my post! I really appreciate each of you taking the time to respond to me, it really has been a wonderful support. It has been great insight, and confirming many of my thoughts.

My last, very successful, relationship with a couple started organically and built over a long period of time. We are not together because of distance, but the experience was a very happy and healthy one. Because this new one felt much more "sought out", I think I have been tripping over my reactions to things and second guessing my intuition because I haven't been able to clearly separate what has been happening organically and what has been more "manufactured" (for lack of a better word). This whole thread has really helped, even though it may seem clear even to me once I wrote it all out, I was definitely initially feeling muddled.

Natja, this is completely real. And sadly, perhaps that says more about the situation than anything, that it would come across as fabricated for a reaction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildflowers View Post
I'm prone being an optimist and working on relationships rather than letting them go, but even I think this one isn't worth it. End it.

I was going to say don't look back, but actually I think it could be useful for you to think about why you'd even consider putting up with such a lousy situation.
I also am an optimist, but I agree with you completely that I need to ask myself why I would put up with this behaviour, and it's something that I obviously need to work on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
It sounds pretty bad, but we are only getting fragments of the story, I am going to assume that you are not desperate and these people are not as bad as they sound.
Yes, this is completely true. There are more parts, as always, and of course their side as well, which is important. There's been a lot of good too, they are good people and I care for them both.

Everything you brought up about the drinking, however, is a very real issue and a concern I've discussed with them, so I thank you for your advice on it.

Thank you for your great points on being more patient on working through the issues that will naturally come with entering a 27 year marriage. I think you hit it on head when you said that not being realistic about the dynamics ended up feeling like manipulation.

Also to clarify, regarding dating one vs. both. I definitely agree with you that when dating a couple, there is always going to be an element of "both". I love it, and I actually would have a VERY difficult time dating any person who was married that I didn't at the very least like their spouse. I didn't want to give the impression that I was requesting that there not be some togetherness. I actually am dating them both, I call her my girlfriend, etc. I was just feeling a lot of off balance with it where every date (with me), every sexual experience (with me), every text message (with me) had to be done as a threesome only, then they also had their separate relationship when I wasn't there, but then I also wasn't allowed to have a relationship outside of them, but just be expected to be alone when they were alone together. When dating a couple I think that I hope for a more balanced approach, where it's some together, and some individual with them each. (Just to be VERY general, not a hard-fast distribution at all). All of this happening has also really helped me get more clarification around what I want and need, and to not be afraid to speak up about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
Agreed. and i hope you didnt move in after 2.5 months. ive been with BF a few months, have known him years, and would still hesitate to combined our households at this early stage of the game.
Yes, I have definitely not moved in. I am also a very slow mover with that. I actually have my own place where I'm very happy, I love it and my kids are all in great schools and my son in a special program. This mama is staying put

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
...don't hang onto this because of some misplaced guilt or place the blame on yourself. Heed the your own instincts and the red-flags and get out while the getting is good. Let them learn the lesson about taking responsibility for their actions the hard way if needs be!
The "I'll promise not to do it again" nonsense is a smokescreen, and as long as there's no real or final consequence to the behavior like you walking out the door n'er to return, it'll continue to happen.
Your whole response was brilliantly spot on. There are poly issues and actually just real-life relationship issues, and both are not looking good right now.

This has been a wonderful learning experience, as the very fast-speed that it all happened I think took me off guard and I wasn't prepared with enough foundation under my own two feet, and my voice got lost among the whirlwind. Over the last month, as I've started voicing my boundaries and needs (like nixing the "group text" rule, unless it's actually to both of them), this has started to cause the problems and uproars. The mistake was definitely a combination of letting it move too quickly without negotiating and establishing boundaries, needs and expectations.

And, ImaginaryIllusion, I can't shake the feeling that you're absolutely right about the "I won't do it again" being a smoke screen, and a way to be free from consequences. This seems to being proven true with some of the texts I've gotten this morning from him, saying that his behaviour to me happens because of my stubbornness and opinionatedness in arguments. I also got a text from her this morning that simply said, "More importantly, are you able to forgive [him]?" I think they maybe really do not realise that it's not the way you treat someone.

Once again, thank you all for your generosity and welcoming. I feel so flattered that you'd take the time to both read my post and respond.

(I'll get a cool signature here soon. Yours are all so awesome, I need to plan this out...haha...)
  #13  
Old 06-26-2013, 08:07 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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If you read around this site, you will see your story played out again and again and again. Glad you thought to get a reality check here before things got even worse!
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  #14  
Old 06-26-2013, 08:25 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ntthegrlnxtdoor View Post
Yes, I have definitely not moved in. I am also a very slow mover with that. I actually have my own place where I'm very happy, I love it and my kids are all in great schools and my son in a special program. This mama is staying put


Oh good you sound like you know what you are doing, and i really hope things work out for you! Signatures come up when you least expect them, mine is something i said to my BF. lol
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  #15  
Old 06-26-2013, 10:46 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Like II mentioned, sometimes it's all about timing!

and you have to get out when it's easy. Not being realistic about treating you as an equal doesn't just sound or feel manipulative, it is manipulative. Having all your texts go to both of them is pretty lame, I once had dated a woman who allowed her partners to read every email, and every text without telling me, it was an ugly abusive situation that I wished I had gotten out of much earlier than I did.

Glad to hear you are making smart decisions
  #16  
Old 06-26-2013, 11:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ntthegrlnxtdoor View Post
. . . I can't shake the feeling that you're absolutely right about the "I won't do it again" being a smoke screen, and a way to be free from consequences. This seems to being proven true with some of the texts I've gotten this morning from him, saying that his behaviour to me happens because of my stubbornness and opinionatedness in arguments. I also got a text from her this morning that simply said, "More importantly, are you able to forgive [him]?" I think they maybe really do not realise that it's not the way you treat someone.
Yes, it sounds like how people go to confession to seek forgiveness for their transgressions and "sins," and once they get the blessing they want, and maybe a punishment or two ("say 20 Hail Mary's"), they shrug and say, "I'm only human, a sinner, I can't help it, I've done/will do my penance" -- which only means they get to do the same nasty things all over again, since they believe all they need do is keep asking for forgiveness. It's a very ingrained mindset, culturally.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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