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  #11  
Old 06-24-2013, 06:42 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by AlbertaBea View Post
She does not have any control over me. She doesn't take disappointment well and I don't walk on eggshells around her. I won't accommodate her and that's the source of our drama.
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Tommy and I broke up two months ago because Jordan was having a lot of trouble being okay with our relationship.
I understood this to mean that she vetoed or somehow otherwise influenced him to break up with you.

But then it says

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that's why I broke up with her husband.
which i did not notice before because it's buried way at the bottom of that post.




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I already made up my mind to go. I want to manage the situation gracefully. I have some anxiety about potential drama and with good reason in this case.

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I appreciate you sharing your experience, but I have to say I can see why you may be #anxiousaboutgettinglectured
I am not "anxious" about getting lectured. I am WEARY of being lectured. Or rather, I am weary of the lecturing about manners and aesthetics. You are "anxious", you say so at least twice. I am chilling.


Quote:
I felt defensive responding to you.
You are allowed to feel that way. One of the things that is discussed often on this forum is how we are all responsible for our feelings, no one can "make" someone feel a certain way (in some extreme cases such as domestic abuse I guess it's possible, but there are other factors at play and those situations don't go from zero to 200 in one day), and we can't control what others feel. So I can't and won't try to say something that will make you "feel better" now. Let's review:

First, Dagferi writes:

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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Sounds like high school drama to me.

Who the frick cares what she wants. Stop letting others have control over your life.
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I was just about to say the same thing. (this might be interpreted as "dogpiling" or "ganging up" on the "newbie" but all it is is two or more people who agree. #preempt #tiredofbeinglecturedforthesakeofwank)
Quote:
Originally Posted by OP
That first paragraph about ganging up on the newbie framed your message as a condescending criticism.
No, I'm afraid it did not. That was your sensibilities and thought processes that "framed" my post as "condescending criticism". In other threads, there have been times when people have responded to posts by saying "Me too" or "This" or in some similar way, simply agreeing with what has already been said. Then someone will decide that there is some organized conspiracy to flush the OP or whoever off the face of the internet. Nothing could be further from the truth. There isn't ANYTHING in that first "disclaimer" part of that post that fits the definition of "condescending" OR "criticism". If anything, it fits the definition of "paranoid". As I indicated, I do feel WEARY of this; "paranoid" is for the helicopters and drones that are spying on me.


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It's like when a person says, "No offense, but...[you're fat.], [you have no ears.], [etc.]."
I fail to see how "it" is "like" pointing out that you are fat and have no ears. How is a statement that basically says "I don't want to be accused of ganging up on the OP just because I agree with the previous post" get read as, "No offense, but you're [whatever]." I agree about the "No offense", pretty much what I was saying was that if any offense is taken, it was not intended. Yes, it just occurred to me that I could have say "If I offend you, it's not my intention", but wouldn't you have complained about that, too? I mean, you JUST said that "It's like when a person says "no offense..."", so that's not okay with you either? I can't say anything that pre-empts "perceived hostility", can I?


The rest of my post is pretty dry and on-topic, except perhaps for the fact that I made some mistakes understanding some specific details. You corrected me, i stand corrected, let's move past it.






Quote:
I'm not looking for a flame war, I just want you to know how your tone came off to me so you can address the #tiredofbeinglectured issue you wrote about.
I am going to address that issue I wrote about right now:

What I actually wrote was #tiredofbeinglecturedforthesakeofwank. "Wank" is my shorthand for when people would rather argue about the aesthetic nuances of a person's post rather than content or merit. See, your "tone" right there came across to ME just now as condescending and critical:

"I'm not looking for a flame war" = no offense, but...

"I just want you to know how your tone came off to me so you can address the #tiredofbeinglectured issue you wrote about" = you're fat and you have no ears

(The other one that sees a lot of action is "I'm sorry you're offended/upset/disturbed/etc." Use the word "Apologize" instead: "I apologize for the inconvenience" sounds better than "I'm sorry you're inconvenienced". If a person needs to resort to that, maybe better off just not saying anything.)

Last but not least - why do you fixate on MY post, which contains a pre-emptive disclaimer, but you say nothing of the sort about Dagferi's post, which has NO "hostility disclaimer" and refers to your thing as "high school drama" and says "who the frick" and "stop letting her have control over you". I don't think there is a whole lot of difference between Dagferi's "tone" and mine. I just expanded on her thoughts with some anecdotal details of my own. My post does not merit reprimand.

In conclusion, i have here yet another example of why I don't like being around people. It's exhausting and nothing is ever good enough for them. Really, the only reason I bothered to write this whole response was as an exercise in self-awareness. I expect that those who know this know damn well, and those who don't know cannot tell. In other words, if you already get what i mean, i don't need to explain; if you don't get it already, nothing I can say will make you get it. This is why I gravitate toward people who communicate in a similar fashion. I have no expectation that everyone will appreciate the way every other person communicates. And I don't project "hostility" onto other people's posts just because they come across assertively.

This has used up all my internet juice for the evening, and then some, but overall I am pleased with it, even if no one else is.
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  #12  
Old 06-24-2013, 06:51 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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After all that, I only now realized something. You don't even ask any QUESTIONS in your original post. You say you are "having some anxiety" and "here's the background story". So, what can we do to help you with your anxiety problem? Have you tried yoga? That's what people always say to me. People act like yoga is the answer to everything.
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  #13  
Old 06-24-2013, 02:23 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlbertaBea View Post
I'll DEFINITELY not be talking to anyone at the campout about the situation.
To piggy-back on something Delphinius said:

When my last girlfriend and I broke up it was not pretty. We had a group of friends in common but since I had met them through her I figured I was going to need to lose contact with them. A couple of weeks past and I realized I was still getting invites from them but she apparently wasn't. Come to find out, there was some drama with her and she stormed out of that group of friends... so I guess I got them instead.

Anyway, the first big social gathering I had with these folks there was a lot of curiosity about what had happened. I never got the whole story on her drama bomb with them and never asked. But when people asked me "So what happened between you two?" my instinct was to tell them that I didn't want to talk about it. Unfortunately that just seemed to build tension.

So I started answering their question as appropriately and honestly as I could. My answer became "You know, the relationship had run its course so it ended" and didn't add in any of my emotional commentary. I found that this diffused the curiosity, made the topic pretty boring, and it was dropped.

All I'm saying is that I agree you shouldn't bring it up and you SURELY shouldn't do any complaining, but giving the silent treatment on a topic will just make it look like more of a sore.
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  #14  
Old 06-24-2013, 02:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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...what Marcus said, and another way of putting it is to say, "i am trying to move past this and would rather focus on enjoying myself at this event, rather than making this all about me. Maybe i could tell you my side of the story another time."
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  #15  
Old 06-24-2013, 10:28 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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No offense but...

(sorry-I just couldn't resist writing that-input a little humor).


Go the party, be on your best behavior. Don't be vindictive, don't be a bitch. Just enjoy your time, leave space for her to enjoy hers.


Side note-
I did walk out of our local poly community after someone my husband dated made a point of attending EVERY event I PLANNED. Including trying to attend events IN MY HOME.
THAT was rude. It is a small community-but as I didn't attend events I wasn't personally planning-and there are many who plan there own-there was no reason she needed to attend the events I planned. That was vindictive on her part-attempting to make it so that I had no ability to partiicpate without her in my face.

So be wary of your choices and your decisions. There is a fine line between sharing the group of joint friends-and making it impossible for someone else to enjoy the shared friends without you being in the middle of it like a possessive spouse.
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  #16  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:22 PM
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AlbertaBea AlbertaBea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
...what Marcus said, and another way of putting it is to say, "i am trying to move past this and would rather focus on enjoying myself at this event, rather than making this all about me. Maybe i could tell you my side of the story another time."
This is definitely something I will try to keep in mind. Jordan messaged me on Facebook:

Tuesday

6:38pm
Jordan
Hey, I see you're coming to Chillits. I just wanna say that I want peace with you, and I have no intention of fighting or being cold to you, but I'm also not really feeling ready to casually socialize. I hope we can both have fun and relax this weekend. Is there anything I can do to help make your weekend more comfortable?

6:39pm
Alberta
No, that sounds good to me! I appreciate the olive branch and am looking forward to a chill weekend.

6:42pm
Jordan
Cool, see you there

This message from Jordan gives me a warm feeling to read. Reflecting on past messages from her in the same vein, and on the way things have played out, I'd like to keep my distance from her. I mean, who knows what casually socialize means. Is she going to approach me on the dancefloor to talk about her feelings? If so, I want to keep your feedback here in mind BoringGuy. "I want to focus on relaxing, and not make the weekend about myself. Can I give you my perspective on things another time?"

Last edited by AlbertaBea; 06-26-2013 at 06:31 PM.
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  #17  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:29 PM
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AlbertaBea AlbertaBea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
All I'm saying is that I agree you shouldn't bring it up and you SURELY shouldn't do any complaining, but giving the silent treatment on a topic will just make it look like more of a sore.
Well, it is a sore for all of us who were involved. We're all trying to move on. Not many of our friends were aware of the situation so it's realistic for me to hope no one will ask for details.

She totally sent me a message yesterday. I posted the text in a response to Boring Guy.
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  #18  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:50 PM
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AlbertaBea AlbertaBea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
That was vindictive on her part-attempting to make it so that I had no ability to participate without her in my face.

So be wary of your choices and your decisions. There is a fine line between sharing the group of joint friends-and making it impossible for someone else to enjoy the shared friends without you being in the middle of it like a possessive spouse.
I would have reacted very differently to this scenario. First off, I would never be able to walk away from my community because they embrace someone I dislike. I can and have compromised for this cause many times and it always pays off (sometimes it takes a few years).

Secondly, I think it would be more vindictive to shun the person I am jealous of for my feelings of insecurity. I would get mad at my partner if their behavior made me uncomfortable with the person in question. But, I don't know your whole story and the context may be different.
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