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  #121  
Old 06-26-2013, 02:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
He doesn't know about the two men I dated after the woman, each for a couple of months, neither of whom panned out into long-term relationships. With both these men, I was able to keep a lid on my emotions and not let them affect my marriage.
I am curious about how it was for the two men you dated -- were they uncomfortable or perfectly okay with the DADT policy? Do you think that DADT had anything to do with those relationships being short-lived (not that there's anything wrong with short-term relationships).
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  #122  
Old 06-26-2013, 03:06 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Hi NYCindie, Definitely not a factor with the first guy--I just wasn't that into him sexually so I ended it. The second guy--hard to say. He was recently divorced, and insisted he "wasn't looking for a relationship." He was also quite ok with the idea of an open marriage, said he always wanted to try one. He just sort of stopped calling/texting/facebooking which I know is guy-speak for "we're done now." He was kind of a player anyway, so I don't know if things would have been different between us if I was able to introduce him to my husband, or even if I was utterly unattached.

That being said, I can see how eventually DADT could become a problem if I ever find a person I want a long-term relationship with. My husband is also aware that this is an issue we may need to discuss at some future point. Hopefully, by then I will have proved that I won't let relationships outside my marriage destroy me or my marriage.
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  #123  
Old 06-26-2013, 04:21 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Insights on DaDt (from personal experience and reading threads)

So I posted a thread earlier asking about successful DaDt relationships.

And I observed the following major issue:

1) Supporters of DaDt generally focus on SEX. While opponents focus on SECRECY.

In other words, couples who say they practice it, generally talk about how they dont' want to hear "blow by blows" or "all the gory details." They say it's none of their business, and a violation of privacy. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

But it DOES make me curious, are there individuals out there who really DO want to know every single detail? I'm probably in the opposition camp, but while I have no issues with knowing my partner is married/dating someone else, I really don't care to have sex positions described to me (though I love it when he and I talk dirty about what we might do with his partner, or with other women). I also don't need to know about what his plans are with other women, other than basics, such as who he's having sex with, what nights he won't be available, etc.

It's more that I'm against the idea that his partner couldn't "handle" knowing that I'm a part of his life or that he has feelings for me. That he would have to pretend to his partner that she's the only woman in his life. That he would tell her that he's "with a friend," when he's with me. Even proponents appear to agree that you should be able to tell your partner who you're dating/committing to, when you're going out on a date, etc. No one seems to think it's okay to have to lie to your partner about "working late at the office," when the truth is you're on a date.

I'd like to know, is ANYONE truly okay with having a partner who says, "Honey, I don't care if you don't other people. But I don't ever want to find out." Do they feel that counts as polyamory? Do you think that's in any way unfair to the other men/women involved? As a "secondary" would you ever put up with that? It's possible that if you love someone enough, you would find this acceptable. Or am I wrong?

Thoughts?
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  #124  
Old 06-26-2013, 04:46 PM
london london is offline
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Is it still polyamory? Yes, if there is the potential of multiple loving relationships.
Is it fair? It's fair as long as all people involved consent to the arrangement.

The problem is, say like the guy I'm seeing, for example, his girlfriend wanted this type of arrangement but very quickly, it didn't work out. Supposing she said that she wanted to see him on Saturday and he had a date, he'd say so, simply because he wasn't prepared to lie. Or he'd say that he was busy, and she would ask doing what and he'd tell her. Now, his other option would be to cancel the date to maintain the DADT but nobody would put up with that very much so the DADT would forcibly limit his relationships. This type of thing doesn't bother some people though, but those people are usually looking for something ultra casual with absolutely no expectations or commitments. Not even sort of friend with benefits. Not even a friend would put up with being regularly ditched.

Last edited by london; 06-26-2013 at 04:56 PM.
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  #125  
Old 06-26-2013, 05:56 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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as a secondary, no i wouldnt find that level of dont ask dont tell comfortable, or acceptable. I want his wife to know what i mean to him, but thats me.

I can answer you mroe on your first question, yep. I like the details. I know intimate details of the lady areas of the women my husband has been with, i know what BF's wife does and doesnt like and what they do together. more with hubs than with bf, hubs and i out right goof around about it in vast detail. it doesnt bother me, sometimes tis funny, and sometimes it turns me on. to each his own
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  #126  
Old 06-26-2013, 06:42 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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My insight about DADT policies, after reading the threads here, is that people tend to have very different understandings about what it actually is. I thought originally that DADT means that the partner does not know anything about the other partner's OSO, not even that they exist (definition #1). I have now learned that some people consider not sharing intimate details about their lives with one partner to OSO's being DADT (definition #2).

IMO there is a huge difference between these two. I would say that type #1 is almost impossible to be healthy, whereas type #2 can easily work. Some people just are not that keen on details about other persons' lives.
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  #127  
Old 06-26-2013, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Nadya View Post
My insight about DADT policies, after reading the threads here, is that people tend to have very different understandings about what it actually is. I thought originally that DADT means that the partner does not know anything about the other partner's OSO, not even that they exist (definition #1). I have now learned that some people consider not sharing intimate details about their lives with one partner to OSO's being DADT (definition #2).

IMO there is a huge difference between these two. I would say that type #1 is almost impossible to be healthy, whereas type #2 can easily work. Some people just are not that keen on details about other persons' lives.
I've never actually thought of #2 being "DADT". I've always thought of it as you do: where a DADT policy is that you don't want to know about your partner's other relationship(s), period. With a DADT policy, there's no way in hell, for instance, that your partner's OSOs would attend family functions, get to know the kids, etc. They're pretty much kept as the dirty little secret the person with the DADT policy would rather not see.

On the other hand, #2 seems like more of a privacy or TMI type of thing. I'm happy to go to family functions with my partner and his OSO. I'm not cool with hearing details about how freaky they get in bed (and luckily, they're not keen on sharing).

To answer Flowerchild's question, I do know someone who's interested in knowing all about what his wife and her BF do in bed. Not my cup of tea, but to each his own, as long as they're all on the same page.
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  #128  
Old 06-26-2013, 08:02 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I would have to agree with the posters above. I am not someone who wants details on what a partner is doing with other people. I do not need sexual details. However, I do want to know if my partner starts seeing someone else, I like to know a little about them (name, how they met, if they have other partners - stuff like that), and eventually I would want to meet them. I also like to know when they are getting together just so I can figure out my schedule. And we always ask if we had fun when we go out with others. I like to know if he had fun (answer is usually yes!).

That's not a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. I know my partner sees other people. He knows I do. We've each met most of our other involvements. Whip and I have talked about this boundary (he would tell me details if I wanted so this boundary is definitely my request).

This might be ancient history for some but the term comes from the now overturned US policy of 'allowing' gay people to serve in the US military as long as they never admitted or indicated in any way that they were gay. In return, the US military was not supposed to ask or otherwise track down gay servicemembers. (In reality, they did ask and did investigations.) So gay soldiers could not talk about, show photos of, or indicate in any way about their same sex partners. When I think of a DADT relationship, it is this no discussion, no indication, no snooping that I think of. And that is horribly dysfunctional.

I consider my personal boundary to be one more about privacy, and staving off the comparison gremlins in my head. Whip is not responsible for those gremlims or for my handling them. But not hearing sexual details helps me to not compare myself to his other partners. It's not something I do often, and I am not particurarly envious or jealous in general. But if I get started down that path in my head, well, it can be hard to stop. I also suspect that as I get more comfortable, this boundary will ease and change.
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  #129  
Old 06-26-2013, 08:27 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I consider my personal boundary to be one more about privacy, and staving off the comparison gremlins in my head. Whip is not responsible for those gremlims or for my handling them. But not hearing sexual details helps me to not compare myself to his other partners. It's not something I do often, and I am not particurarly envious or jealous in general. But if I get started down that path in my head, well, it can be hard to stop. I also suspect that as I get more comfortable, this boundary will ease and change.
my wanting to know, is for a similar reason. I actually have an easier time not playing the comparison game if i DO know what they are doing. Granted, we've had minor backfires...like i asked spouse to do something, then he wanted details of where i got that idea, and it got a little awkward. but turned out ok
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  #130  
Old 06-26-2013, 09:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBunny View Post
. . . I can see how eventually DADT could become a problem if I ever find a person I want a long-term relationship with. My husband is also aware that this is an issue we may need to discuss at some future point. Hopefully, by then I will have proved that I won't let relationships outside my marriage destroy me or my marriage.
Hmm, your statement which I bolded makes me wonder - don't you feel rather... policed by that kind of approach? I mean, it clearly sounds like you are just plain not trusted. Not trusted to be rational, not trusted to respect your commitments, and not trusted to make choices about how to live your own life. I would resent being treated like a child if my husband expected me to prove anything to him and didn't trust me to be a mature, rational adult. That is why I could never be with someone who has a DADT policy in place with their partner - it speaks volumes about their dynamic and I just would not go there, no matter how attracted I might be to that person. I would say that a lot of inner work needs to be done, individually and between the two of you, to dig deeper at fears, trust issues, and communication, before you ever embark on any relationships outside your marriage. It would be worth taking the time to do that, I believe, so that you can reach a more harmonious level of partnership and not have to prove anything for your partner to know you have his back no matter what.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 09:10 PM.
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