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  #111  
Old 05-27-2013, 05:55 PM
IndigoLoves IndigoLoves is offline
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Default just ask!!

It's not all that complicated really... I really like to talk about the details of my time spent with other partners, but I respect their wishes. For instance.. sometimes they will ask questions, in that case it is more of a turn on for us. Other times, it's better just to ask first. "Do you want to hear about what we did?" Sometimes it's "yes" sometimes its "not really". Either way, it's all about loving communication and trust.
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  #112  
Old 05-27-2013, 10:33 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IndigoLoves View Post
. . . I am the pivotal part of a triad. In other words.. I am a woman with two men as my primary relationship. One of them is poly, like me, and the other mono.
Generally, the term "triad" is used when all three people are involved together, with each other (emotionally, sexually). Since one of your guys is mono, I'd say that wouldn't apply. What you have, which is three people but two dyads, is generally known as a "vee." You would be the hinge or pivot person and each of your men is an arm of the vee.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:15 PM.
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  #113  
Old 05-30-2013, 03:18 PM
london london is offline
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Firstly some definitions to give my post clarity. Obviously these are my personal definitions.

Ethical Non Monogamy - Relationships that have the potential of the people involved having multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships with the informed consent of all the people involved.

Open relationship - a relationship where one or more of the people who are romantically committed to each other only have or can have sexually focused relationships outside of their union.

Poly relationship - a relationship where one or more of the people who are romantically committed to each other have or can have sexual and/or romantic relationships outside of that union. It does not have the limitations on emotional availability outside of the union that open relationships have.

DADT - same definition as NYCindie. It's a relationship where the people involved are expected to completely conceal that they are not monogamous. Failure to do this would be a breach of consent.

Because I believe that polyamorous relationships do not have restrictions on emotional availability outside of the primary relationship, I can't see relationships that have a DADT agreement (as I defined it) as polyamorous. Unless you are able to speak about your other partners and although they don't have to be best friends, have all your partners in the same room for an important event in their hinge's life, I can't see how the emotional availability and opportunity to bond romantically can be unrestricted. Relationships with a DADT can only be open relationships by my definitions. I have no issue with any form of ethical and consensual non monogamy but that arrangement is not something that I could accept from a partner and nor could I enter a romantic relationship where my potential partner has that agreement with an existing partner. I might be happy to have a more casual arrangement with them.
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  #114  
Old 06-24-2013, 08:37 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Don't ask, don't tell?

I've experienced this rule myself, and I've spoken to others who have, as well. In all cases (admittedly, a small sampling), it ended up causing a lot of pain and confusion.

Has anyone out there successfully pulled off a "Don't ask, don't tell" relationship? If so, does/did it ever bother you to think your SO might have a serious relationship that you know/knew nothing about? Does it help you feel secure in your established relationship?

Very curious.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:23 PM. Reason: moved
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  #115  
Old 06-25-2013, 06:20 AM
london london is offline
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What I count as a serious relationship couldn't be achieved in a DADT. I was casually seeing a guy before who most definitely had that arrangement but to make it truly DADT, there are some things to abide by that limited our emotional connection. For example, weekends are strictly their time. It isn't a rule but if he goes elsewhere on a weekend, she would ask where he is going and that would be awkward. He had to plan dates at times he knows she will be travelling our working. He initially put a limit on how many times he saw each person so obligation wouldn't build. He decided on seven times. I saw him about four before this just became tedious. Obviously, meeting his friends and family was of the cards because the DADT included them. All in all, I realised pretty quickly that a DADT, especially if the person is in a serious, long term relationship stops you being anything other than really casual. That can work sometimes, but not for people who want more than a sexually focused friendship.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:24 PM. Reason: moved
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  #116  
Old 06-25-2013, 11:14 AM
Maleficent Maleficent is offline
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It wouldn't work for me. It would feel too much like sneaking around and I'm not into that at all. Paranoia would get the better of me if my partners were slipping off and having secret dates. The idea of it just turns me off.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:24 PM. Reason: moved
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  #117  
Old 06-25-2013, 12:31 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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would never work for me, part of what makes poly work so well for spouse and i is that we tell each other nearly everything, he even knows some naughty details of me and BF's sex life. (not that everyone has to go that far). I think we would both be very uncomfortable with dont ask dont tell, spouse will even reference me and BF;s intimate life TO BF, makes BF a little uncomfortable but hes getting used to it and they get on well.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:24 PM. Reason: moved
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  #118  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:16 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Mt ex did dadt for me, he didnt really have any game so he wanted a gf to "share" I didn't agree. Just like I use to smoke he didn't approve, he didn't want me going to bars. I did very little to hide these things but he never asked and I never told.

Having to hide everything I did over the years grew tiresome and when I met N who would accept me for me and let me be an adult and make my own choices about MY body I left. The fact that I had to be in a dadt situation to me was very disrespectful and he essentially turned me into a liar and a cheater.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:25 PM. Reason: moved
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  #119  
Old 06-26-2013, 02:13 AM
PaulDrakket PaulDrakket is offline
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I think that 'don't ask, don't tell' leads to nothing but suffering, as you seem to already suspect. Both honesty and openness are important to sustaining valuable, lasting relationships in a polyamorous manner. To be frank, I feel as though DADT is just not in the spirit of polyamory.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:25 PM. Reason: moved
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  #120  
Old 06-26-2013, 01:13 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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My husband demands DADT. I don't like it, as I feel it limits my relationships outside the marriage to sex-only, and I truly prefer emotional intimacy. On the other hand, hubby isn't interested in being poly, that's something I need, not him, and this is the only way he's at all comfortable with the situation. Also, this is a new thing for us, as it's been not even a year since I insisted upon my need for multiple partners.

His reasoning is that the first person I dated outside our marriage, I was very open about, and it was a disaster. She was a narcissist and hurt me lots, and poor hubby was left to pick up the pieces when it fell apart after 5 months, and I turned into an emotional wreck. I can understand why he wouldn't be keen to go through that again--though I've pointed out that, hopefully, not everyone I date will be a cold-blooded reptile. He doesn't know about the two men I dated after the woman, each for a couple of months, neither of whom panned out into long-term relationships. With both these men, I was able to keep a lid on my emotions and not let them affect my marriage.

If someone comes along with whom I build something meaningful with, I will push to re-discuss DADT. But for now, its the best solution we've come up with, as neither of us want a divorce. I suspect/hope as we both grow and change and evolve, this policy will change.

Last edited by nycindie; 06-26-2013 at 02:25 PM. Reason: moved
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