Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 06-26-2013, 12:07 AM
katja24 katja24 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 38
Default Privacy & Disclosure Boundaries?

I have some questions regarding privacy and disclosure.

I made the mistake of disclosing a specific piece of information/specific experience that my primary male partner (J) and I had last summer (which was in itself a boundary-breaking experience) to my female secondary partner (M) (she and I have been together 3 months). Last summer, I agreed to that I wouldn't disclose this experience to any of our mutual friends. In retrospect I should not have agreed to this because I also kept myself from processing the experience in other ways that would have allowed me to resolve the experience; keeping the agreement felt stifling. I had kept this agreement for almost a year, until I told M a few days ago because the experience came up in our conversations.

Right afterwards, I had a good feeling J would not be happy I told M. I told J when I got home that night what I told her, and he was (understandably) very upset that I didn't keep this agreement and likened my actions to cheating.

Up to this point J and M have been very friendly with each other, and while the three of us have been sexual together, their relationship is otherwise pretty platonic, although friendly and flirty. Now, J says if M knows sensitive information about our relationship (including any details about the conflicts that he and I have) he wants to distance himself from M. He does not want to feel judged by someone that he does not trust or know on the same level that I do.

I can definitely relate to his feelings around this, as I have myself felt uncomfortable when he talked to other dating partners of his about the conflicts he and I had during those times. So I understand his need for some kind of privacy.

At the same time, M is feeling upset about the idea that I won't be talking to her about everything that I want to- including the details of the conflicts that J and I go through. Ideally, I would want M to be just like another very, very close friend that I can confide to about anything and everything. But I also want J and M to continue being as friendly as they were before, and it doesn't sound like this is possible for J.

I have apologized profusely to J for my mistake and he knows I am sorry.

(To add to the stress of the situation, J is incredibly busy right now with school and has barely any energy left over to devote to negotiating and resolving this. So I feel stuck and primarily responsible in finding a solution that feels comfortable for us)

How have other people dealt with negotiating privacy and disclosure boundaries with multiple partners?
25 yr old queer woman with primary male partner, J
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:08 AM.